Week of April 17, 2005
Harry: ‘Boy, those pirates don’t even try these days, do they?!’
Oliver: ‘No, no, Harry. If you’re going to be an action hero, you’ve got to have a stance like this!‘
—Continuation to Tina’s Caption Last Week—
Sean: I heard the Dursleys were cut out of the last film because of a weight issue. Well, I never had a weight problem! Look at me – I look great! Why was I cut then?!
Harry: Well, that’s the problem, see. You looked better than I did in the first film, and you had a bigger fan base than I did… so the producers had to let you go. This series is about Harry Potter, not Oliver Wood, you know!
Harry: Oliver, are you telling me that you’ve been hiding Snape’s clothes in here the whole time?!
Oliver: Yes, Harry. Serves him right, giving those dirty Slytherins our practice time!
Left Roof Statue: I’m king of the world!
Right Roof Statue: Not after I push you off!
Wood: Quidditch is easy enough to understand. Well, actually it’s kind of difficult, but it’s easier than understanding you in OotP…
Oliver: Okay, so we’ll use this trunk as a boost to hop over the wall and escape that screaming band of lovesick girls!
Harry: Is that why we’re wearing all black? ‘Cause it’s not helping us blend in, Oliver… it makes us look like a fashion statement…
Oliver: If I stand this way, does it make me look like Neo?
Harry: I think you need some sunglasses and a black coat.
Box: I need a holiday…
Oliver: I’m feeling particularly Matrix-y today…
Harry: You mean there is no spoon – er – I mean… ‘Snitch’?
Harry attempts to teach Oliver Wood how to ‘lean back’.
Oliver: Make sure you tie that rope extra tight…
Harry: Is this really necessary, putting the teacup and pot in the trunk and tying it up so nobody makes shipper jokes about them again?
Oliver: Absolutely! Those shipper jokes are horrible!
Harry: You know, if you take away the teapot and the cup, the shippers will start looking for a new target – likely whatever two characters are in the next week’s caption picture…
Oliver: Right… er… let’s untie these knots!
As ramblings of a cranky old wizard start coming from the box, Oliver Wood begins to doubt he brought the Quidditch gear.
Oliver: Now, Harry – what I’m about to show you will either surprise you, or maul you…
Harry: What is it?
Oliver: Fan girls…
The competitors for the First Annual British Awkward Stance Contest face off.
Wood: Okay, now there are three kinds of balls. The first one is the Quaffle. The Chasers try to get the Quaffle through a hoop, and the Keepers try to stop that from happening. With me so far?
Harry: You lost me at hello.
Wood: I never said hello…?
A new scene from the upcoming John Wu/Jackie Chan/J.K. Rowling collaboration: ‘Enter the Quaffle’.
Oliver: Now, Harry. On the count of three, we will release 10 Bludgers from this case so that they hit the caption scroller up above…
Harry: I know, I know – that way we won’t be dizzy at Quidditch practice all the time, right?
Oliver: No, I just want to see what happens…
Oliver: ‘Okay, I’ve got the garlic. Do you have the wooden stake?’
Wood: Harry, this is your coffin in case you die in Book Six…
Harry: Oh, lovely, thanks… Wait, I thought you were showing me how to play Quidditch?!
Wood: Guess what I have in this box, Harry!
Harry: I dunno… candy?
Wood: Wrong! It’s all the speech bubbles from two years ago!
Harry: So that’s where they went!
Harry: Hey, Wood? Did you know that it’s physically impossible to lick your elbow?
Wood: What?! Nothing is impossible for the Gryffindor Quidditch captain! *Tries to lick elbow, cursing madly and twisting into a pretzel*
Harry: Ha! Told you so!
…Seventy-five percent of the people who read this will try to lick their elbow…
Harry and Wood stood there amazed as the trunk sprouted a hundred little legs and ran off…
‘And why again did we agree to be stunt doubles in ‘’Men in Black”?’