Week of February 6, 2007
Sorting Hat: Hmm… I’ve sorted your type before…
Ron: Umm, yeah, my brothers Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred and George have all been here before, too…
Sorting Hat: *Sighs* And what house did I sort them into?
Sorting Hat: And is there any reason why you might think I wouldn’t put you in Gryffindor as well?
Ron: No… I was just told to come up here and si-
Sorting Hat: Are you saying that my decisions are predictable?!
Ron: *Sighs* No, I was just –
Sorting Hat: Right, that’s it, time for a seachange. HUFFLEPUFF!
*Uneasy clapping from the Hufflepuff table*
McGonagall: Potter, Harry!
Harry: *Walks up to the hat* Don’t you dare!
Laura Mallory: HA! Here is PROOF of the horrors caused by Harry Potter. Look at those floating candles! Obviously they all have fire, which symbolizes hatred. Hatred causes violence. The hat in the center of the picture symbolizes selfishness, because it is taking up the most space out of anything in the picture, and won’t give any space to other objects in the picture. From these facts we can easily come to the conclusion that Harry Potter cuases and supports violence and selfishness in schools!!! And they think I’m crazy…’
‘Due to new Ginger Kids legislation, all first-year redheads mus twear the Hat of Humiliation as punishment for their flawed, flawed genes.’
Students at Hogwarts were surprised to hear that the Sorting Hat wasn’t Godric Gryffindor’s, and that it wasn’t magical at all – Professor McGonagall was merely a very talented ventriloquist.
Dan Radcliffe: *Thinking* Ya know, if that was a horse, this could be one heck of a scene…
Ron: ‘That hat looks old. I wonder if it has spiders in it. Oh my god, it probably does have spiders in it!’
Malfoy: *walks up to the chair and sits down*
Harry: I don’t like that guy.
Ron: Problem solved.
Harry: If McGonagall is the head of Gryffindor house, why is she dressed in green?
Neville: How should I know that?!
Harry: It was a rhetorical question.
McGonagall: And here’s the special Weasley Sorting Hat you’ll be using, Ronald.
Ron: God, now EVERYBODY is making fun of my family!
Sorting Hat: Hmm… Weasley is my favorite flavor… come here… I won’t hurt you… I promise…
Ron: *Stares back at all the Brunettes* But, I like being a red head!
Oh, podrias pensar que no soy bonito,
pero no juzgues por lo que ves.
Me comere a mi mismo si puedes encontrar
un sombrero mas inteligente que yo.
Puedes tener bombines negros,
sombreros altos y elegantes…
Ron: e… excuse me?
McGonagall: Hm… Okay, who knows how to get this thing off SAP?
Ron: *Turns around and yells at Fred* What?! A hat?! You said we had to wrestle a troll! You prat!
McGonagall: Weasley! For your discourtesy, 10 points will be taken from – er – whatever house you are sorted into…
Sorting Hat: Ahh… You must be that red-headed sidekick that comes before the unwanted hero so that he’ll have a friend at the table, even though it’s definitely not in alphabetical order.
Ron: Oh, bugger off.
Sorting Hat: A little touchy, aren’t we? And I didn’t even bring up your harboring crush for that brainy girl that every delusional person assumed would end up with that unwanted hero.
Ron: That’s it! I don’t need your bloody sorting. I’m out of here!
Sorting Hat: Oh, come now, I was just trying to get a rise out of you. It’s lonely being locked up all year, you know! *Ron slams Great Hall doors* They’re so temperamental at this hormonal age… can’t even take a joke…
McGonagall: The Sorting Hat will now shout the name of the student who passed gas the most during the wait.
Sorting Hat: Ronald Weasley!
*Everyone steps back*
McGonagall: We have a replacement hat this year!
Ron: I think that’s my Great-Aunt Muriel’s matchmaking hat! *Sits down*
Hat: HERMIONE GRANGER!
Ron: Harry, I can’t do this.
Harry: Just go on up there and put the hat –
Ron: No, I mean I don’t think McGonagall’s wearing a bra…
Ron: oh no, girlfriend! You be trippin’ if you think I’m going to put that thing on my pimpin’ hair!
McGonagall: *Glares at Ron with pursed lips* Mr. Weasley, what did you just say to me?
First Years: Home boy got nerve…
Sorting Hat: Do you not think I’m pretty?
Ron: N-No. I think you are beautiful.
Sorting Hat: You lie! I shall put you in Slytherin.
Seamus: *Whispers to Harry* Whoo! Glad I’m not him.
*Based on the movie Mean Girls*
Ron: And I’m sorry for making fun of Hermione’s smartness, and mocking Seamus’s accent, and for telling Dean that his West Ham pictures were stupid because they didn’t move, and for staring at Harry’s scar, and for stealing Neville’s last Cauldron Cake… sorry, mate. And for calling Percy a git, and for spying on Fred and George while they were ‘experimenting,’ annnnd… yeah, I think that’s it. *Falls into crowd*
McGonagall: Tada! I have successfully made Ms. Granger disappear!
Ron: W-Where is she?
McGonagall: Why, in the Caption Contest Archive now, I suspect!
The Sorting Hat’s magical capabilities are nice, but the fact that it is old, shabby, and worn by EVERYONE also makes it a useful punishment during a lice epidemic.
Ron: *Thinking* Thank God Fred lied about that troll.
All of a sudden, a full-grown mountain troll wearing a WWF championship belt falls from the hat.
Troll: It’s time for a smackdown!
McGonagall: WeasleY! It won’t hurt you> Sir Nicholas says it’s perfectly safe.
Ron: Well… he’s… sorta…
McGonagall: I urge you to remember this. Should you be unfortunate to lose more than ten points for Gryffindor in one day, I will turn you into this… and you will be worn by Professor Snape for a week.
-The Flying Squirrel
The Sorting Hat: *Sings*
Oh you may not think I’m pretty,
But don’t judge on what you see,
I’ll eat myself if yo ucan find
A smarter hat than me.
You can tell me Dumbledore is dead,
You can say that Snape is bad,
The scar will burn on Harry’s head,
For me it’s all too sad.
There’s nothing hidden in Jo’s books
The Sorting Hat can’t see,
So try me on and I will tell you
What the end will be.
Put me on! Don’t be afraid!
Don’t think I’ll tell you lies,
You’re in safe hands (though I have none).
It’s you, it’s you who dies!
First Years: *Stand petrified in fear*
Ron: *Thinking* I hope this hat doesn’t read minds…
Sorting Hat: *Thinking* I hope this kid doesn’t read minds…