UPDATED: 110 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort

Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio‘d round the block and back again.

  1. Ask him why he “doesn’t have such a cool scar?”
  2. Laugh at him.
  3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. “Round, round, get around, I get around…”
  4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
  5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
  6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
  7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
  8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
  9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
  10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
  11. If you ever need to say, “Like taking candy from a baby,” be sure to add, “Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.” Stare pointedly at him.
  12. Play “knock-&-run” at his bedchamber door late at night.
  13. Call him “The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.”
  14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn’t look like something “more socially acceptable?”
  15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
  16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
  17. Be cheerful.
  18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say, “Awwwww, lookit. Voldie’s got a twiggle!”
  19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
  20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like, “You’re the boss, boss,” or, “It’s your funeral.”
  21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic, “My sir, you look particularly menacing today.”
  22. Taunt him about his middle name. “Marvolo? What’s that – a washing detergent?”
  23. Keep a “good-behavior chart”. Award points and give out gold stars.
  24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
  25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there…
  26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face, and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
  27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
  28. “Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?”
  29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry’s victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
  30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
  31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
  32. Exclaim sarcastically, “You’re breakin’ my little heart here, O Dark One,” whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
  33. Encourage him to “think happy thoughts!”
  34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
  35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a “host.”
  36. Tell you think a yoga class could “cure him of his wicked ways.”
  37. Get the song “Mr. Tambourine Man” stuck in his head.
  38. If he’s having evil-plotter’s-block in one of his scheming sessions, Wingardium Leviosa a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
  39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
  40. Buy him a stress ball.
  41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
  42. Call him Tommy-boy.
  43. If you’re feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
  44. Whack him in the arm and say “mosquito” every few minutes.
  45. Say he “looked better under the turban.”
  46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
  47. Endeavor to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back, and say “Eeeexcellent.”
  48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and Star Wars. Talk at great length.
  49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
  50. Imperio his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of “All Things Bright And Beautiful.”
  51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a “grand entry.”
  52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.
  53. Throw him a “Carebears”-themed birthday party.
  54. Tell him what Snape’s really up to.
  55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don’t know how he can be so afraid of “dear old Dumbles.”
  56. Sing “California Dreamin” at the top of your lungs when he’s trying to have an “evil moment.”
  57. Should you ever be eating with him, drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
  58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
  59. Work cutesy phrases like “pushing up daisies” and “smooth as a baby’s bottom” into conversation as much as possible.
  60. Ask him if he’s sure “the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn’t getting a bit old?”
  61. Get him to play “Twister” with you.
  62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London….
  63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
  64. Tell him you’ve met plenty of people more evil than he.
  65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
  66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn’t water it and it dies.
  67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
  68. Tell him Lucius did it.
  69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
  70. Remind him that he isn’t even really alive.
  71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
  72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy “to the cause.”
  73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include The Ugly Duckling.
  74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
  75. When he’s done something particularly nasty – cross your arms, waggle a finger and say, “Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?”
  76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of “that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.”
  77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
  78. Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy.”
  79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is “Aromatherapy.”
  80. Begin any question you ask him with, “Riddle me this!” Emphasis on Riddle.
  81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric acquaintance.
  82. Cuddle him at random moments.
  83. Sign him up for Little-League.
  84. Ask him why he’s afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can’t fight babies.
  85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
  86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are “kind of girly.”
  87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
  88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
  89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
  90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
  91. Write sonnets for him.
  92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
  93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
  94. Tell people he’s “really just a big softie.”
  95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is “mildly depressed” and “a bit of a control-freak.”
  96. Mock his baldness.
  97. Smile and say loudly, “Who loves you, Volders?” at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted “evil moments”)
  98. Get him drunk.
  99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing “Kumbayah.”
  100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
  101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
  102. As he’s plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like, “Not gonna work,” or, “stupid.”
  103. Call him “Champ” or “Tiger.” Refer to yourself as “Coach.”
  104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
  105. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and drool.
  106. Kill Harry.
  107. On the next Valentine’s Day, decorate his lair.
  108. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he’s sleeping, then place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can’t remove the color.
  109. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
  110. Insist that it’s opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on his forehead.


Submitted by: by Amanda Lack (@stars_planets_clocks)

Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.