Quite Possibly Impossible Titles for Book Seven (Let’s hope…)

by T. Grant

The following are titles that I hope JKR WON’T consider for the last HP book (except for maybe “HP, Four Weddings and a Funeral” … I might be okay with that one).

Harry Potter and the Wrath of Hedwig

In this HP book, Hedwig becomes insanely jealous of Harry’s new pet, Fawkes the Phoenix. Incensed that Fawkes is now Harry’s seemingly favorite pet, she betrays him. She becomes a spy and carries his letters first to Voldemort before delivering them to their intended recipient. Voldemort discovers Harry’s love for Ginny. Voldemort will, once again, use Ginny to lure Harry. Hedwig! You dirty bird!

Harry Potter, Four Weddings and a Funeral

The story begins with the wedding of Fleur and Bill. Shortly afterward, the hunt for Horcruxes begins. Also early in the story, Tonks and Lupin discover they can’t wait to wed because they might be dead (rhyming not intentional). Their wedding ceremony inspires Hermione and Ron to marry as well. At every wedding, Ginny and Harry keep meeting and their feelings grow stronger. Shortly after the Hermione/Ron ceremony, there is an attack. Percy dies. There is a funeral. Harry seeks out and kills both Voldemort and Snape. There isn’t a funeral for either of them. The book ends with Ginny and Harry finally tying the knot. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Harry Potter and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Harry, the Good, teams up with Snape, the Ugly, to hunt down the Horcruxes of Voldemort, the Bad. The Bad is in a race to retrieve his Horcruxes before the Good and the Ugly find them first. The shaky alliance between the Good and the Ugly finally breaks and eventually, every man is racing against the others. If you’re wondering what happened to Ron and Hermione, they decided early in the story that maybe Harry should do this last little adventure on his own after all.

Harry Potter Jumps the Shark

The story begins with Harry and his loyal BFF’s Ron and Hermione hunting down Voldemort’s Horcruxes. Right as the final battle is about to come to its climax, Harry wakes up in his cupboard under the stairs. It was all a wild and crazy dream. Harry is just an eleven-year old kid living with his hateful aunt and uncle in a closet under the stairs. He never gets mail. His parents really did die in a car crash. His cousin is fat and mean. The end.

Harry Potter and the Very Angry Elf

Harry Potter with friends Hermione and Ron, discover Kreacher, the very angry elf, might just be the key to finding not one but ALL of Voldemort’s horcruxes. But first, they must learn to trust each other. An anger-management intervention is staged and Kreacher, along with many of the HP series regulars come together to discuss and resolve their prejudices in this very special installment of the Harry Potter series. Dr. Phil mediates. The are special ghost appearances of Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore. The soundtrack is available at Amazon.com.

Harry Potter and the Murder on the Hogwarts Express

This is a classic “whodunit” mystery with a bizarre twist, as individuals from both sides of the fight are found murdered on the Hogwarts Express. Interestingly, the entire novel is set on a train. Conveniently, all key characters are aboard.

Harry Potter Around the World in 80 Days (for the budget traveler)

Our hero and his loyal friends journey all over the world in pursuit of the Horcruxes. Harry though, is finally able to mingle work with play as he takes advantage of visiting some of the most famous historical sites and tourist destinations in the world! The Pyramids at Giza, the Great Wall of China, San Francisco! This action-adventure story and travel guide is both entertaining and informative. Book includes listings of recommended hotels, hostels and restaurants.

Harry Potter and The Quibbler Redemption

All The Quibbler conspiracy theories are real (who knew?)! Ministry of Magic staff and officials become incapacitated due to a massive outbreak of horribly nasty and painful gum disease. Former Prime Minister Cornelius Fudge and his Army of Heliopaths join forces with Voldemort to fight against Harry and the remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix. Only Luna and her father, armed with Quibbler back-issues, will be able to help Harry, Ron and Hermione defeat Voldemort.

Harry Potter and the Lightning-Struck Forehead

After finding what Harry and his friends believe are all of Voldemort’s Horcruxes, the final confrontation begins. In the terrifying climax, Vapormort is ripped from his physical body. Harry then realizes his lightning-struck forehead is the final Horcrux. After a tearful goodbye with Ginny, Harry sacrifices himself by walking through the veil in the Department of Mysteries. Ginny sings Celine Dion’s tragic-ballad, “My Heart Will Go On” at Harry’s memorial service. In the final scene, 150-year old Ginny flings the faux locket-horcrux into the lake.

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