CC #192: Week of December 3, 2006

⬇️⬇️ Scroll down in the below area to read all captions from this week! ⬇️⬇️

Harry: ‘What the heck… a letter from ‘Akhmed Jasarab’ in Africa asking for an ‘Urgent Response’ to his proposed bank account scheme? Just great, now they’re spamming via post!

Harry: ‘Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? – What a bunch of weirdos; there’s no such thing as magic!’ *Tosses letter into trash bin*

Harry flicked through the morning mail, unaware that the Loch Ness Monster was watching from the magical picture on the wall behind him, until…
Monster: ‘Och! That’s a canny wee cut of cloth ye have on yeh back there, Laddie! Tell me, is that the McTavish clan yeh wearin’?!
Harry: …?!?!

Harry: *Reading outloud* ‘From Dolores Umbridge. Caution: Contents may be Cursed… Dudley, you got mail!’
-Phantomess of the Opera

Harry: *Thinking* Hmm… Dudley’s been invited to the grand opening of another ShopBop. He must have created a new size again…

Harry: Bill, bill, Hogwarts letter addressed to my Cupboard, Bill…
Vernon: *Shouting from kitchen* What was that thing you said besides ‘bill’?
Harry: *Thinks of a decent lie* Credit Card bill, of course! This family has more debt than we can shake Dudley’s stick at!
Harry: *Rolls eyes and hides his Hogwarts letter* Yes, Uncle Vernon…

Harry: ‘Go down the hall and pass the clock, take two paces forward, and X marks the spot.’ Geeze, is this really the best guide to Horcrux finding that Dumbledore could leave me?
-Roberta R.

For the past five years, Harry has received the same mysterious letter, always consisting of the same five words with the odd two-letter signature:
Dear Harry,

Narrator: Harry has yet to know that this letter would send him against his worst enemy, where he will have to decide to save the world or die in the attempt…
Harry: It’s a bill…
Narrator: The one underneath then…

Harry: *Thinking* Letterbomb… letterbomb… come on! Aww, darn, maybe tomorrow…

Harry: ‘Hmm… Bill, bill, postcard from Aunt Marge, invitation to a strange wizarding school where I could learn about my parents and achieve destined greatness… OHMIGOD! I have just won a Plasma Screen TV! Now my life’ll be interesting!’

*On a postcard*
Dear Harry,
    It’s really great here in Brazil! I met this really pretty girl snake, named Nagini. Her owner is a bit creepy though. Thanks again for letting me free!

The Snake from the Tank

Harry: ‘Great! Now I have to kill his girlfriend!’

Dear Mr. Potter,
We regret to inform you that we are returning your manuscript for ‘Joanne Rowling and the Philosopher’s Stone,’ as we do not feel it meets our requirements at this time.

We hope that this does not affect your good choice in future endeavours,
Wizard Publishing

Harry: Aww, I NEVER get a break!

Hmm… parchment envelope… green ink… slanting handwriting… ‘Petunia Dursley, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey!’ Wait till I tell McGonagall about THIS!

Harry: ‘Who are these people? And why do I keep getting mail from them about this ‘V’ guy? It’s like they’ve read my life story…’

Harry joins the poetry club at Hogwarts:
‘My scar… Prickly, prickly.
My underpants… Smelly, smelly.
My teacher… Greasy, greasy.
My life… Angsty, angsty.’
*Massive applause*

Vernon: Harry, go get the mail.
Harry: Fine…
*Harry walks out and picks up the mail*
Harry: Bill… bill… junk… – hey, who here reads ‘Teen Scene Magazine for Hip Young Girls?!’
-Jenny P.

‘Dear Mr. Potter, you have been accepted to St. Brutus’ School for Incurably Depressed Orphans who Live in a Cupboard Under the Stairs Looking for a Purpose in Life.’

One day, when Harry is 10 years old:
Dear Harry,
   I write you from the distant future. One day you will have to face your arch nemesis Lord Voldemort. He is waiting and ready to strike. I cannot stress the danger you will be in, the adventures you will have, and the most magical life you will lead. Just remember, love will always be there for you.


Harry: ‘Ha, whatever! Darn junk mail…’ *throws letter in bin*
-Ian P.

Harry: *To self* Oh, man! I’ve got jury duty…
Dudley: Hey, Harry, did I get anythin’?
Harry: Uh… you got this thing for jury duty.

Harry: ‘To Daniel Radcliffe, Leavesden Studios, P.O. Box 3000, Leavesden, Hertfordshire WD25 7LT, United Kingtom? Daniel Radcliffe? Who is that…?!’

Harry: What’s this? Could it be a mysterious letter that will potentially change my life forever?
Vernon: What have we told you about opening mysterious letters that could potentially change your life forever, boy?! *Snatches it*
Harry: Dang…


‘Hey, this one’s for me… They had my name down since I was born? Hey, Uncle Vernon, I’m preapproved for my own credit card!’

Mr. H. Potter
The Hallway
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging, Surrey
*Stop where you are and read this letter, you idiot-boy, or you’ll have to go and sleep in a shack on a rock by the sea for your birthday!!!*

Harry: …

Dear Mr. Dursley,
We are sorry to say that there is NO WAY you will fit in a bunny costume. /Playboy Magazine.

Harry: *Runs*

Harry: …Who here goes by the name ‘Mr. Spankypants’?
Vernon: Er… no one, why?
Harry: Well, apparently, his subscription to Playboy is about to expire.
Vernon: Eep!

‘Bills, bills, bills, postcard from Aunt marge, bills, bills… …You have been Enrolled in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry… …bills, bills…’

–In Continuation of Phyerousze E.’s caption last week–
Harry: *Looking at mirror in hands* No WONDER I looked like sourdough as a small child – I was ‘bread in a zoo!’
*Rim shot*

Harry: ‘Bills, bills, bills, postcard from soon-to-be-blimp Aunt Marge, bills, Victoria’s Secret catalogue, bills, letter from a school for magic, bills and YES! FINALLY my acceptance into the I-Used-to-Look-Like-Food-but-Now-I-Don’t Club!’

Horoscope: You will unintentionally kill off your closest and most powerful allies, all in the name of good. Not a good year for girls.
Harry: Please, like that could happen – I’m obviously a ladies man!

Dear Mr. Potter,
    I am pleased to inform you that due to your ill-fitting clothing, I am taking 50 points from Gryffindor.

Professor Severus Snape.

Harry: …What’s a Gryffindor?

‘Roonil Wazlib? Must have the wrong address…’

Harry: *Reading* To Harry Potter, of Number 4 Privet Drive, Inside of Front Door, On Welcome Mat, 3 Meters from Kitchen Entrance, Bottom Right of the Stairs, with Large Flannel Shirt, Reading this Very-Descriptive Envelope…..

*Deleted Scene*
Harry: ‘Hmm… Hogwarts letter, Hogwarts letter, ad for skin cream, Hogwarts letter, magazine, Hogwarts letter… what’s this? Something from Congressman Foley?!’

*Harry Reads*
Dear Mr. Dursley,
   This constitutes your final warning. Please remit payment of thirty-one pounds or you’ll be turned over to a ‘sleep-with-the-fishes’ style collections agency.

Happy Holidays,
Handsome Hal’s Extra Large Pants Emporium


Harry: *Reading* I know what you did last summer! Signed, Voldy. What the heck is that supposed to mean?

–One week before Dahlgren’s caption (last week)–
Harry: ‘Exercise program… Dudley’s report card, heheh… Book Seven spoiler… FREE LOLLIPOPS AT SWEET NEW ADOLESCENT KNOWLEDGE EMPORIUM?!?!’
-Shurtugal Follower

Ginny: What did we get in the mail, Honey?
Harry: Oh, just bills… bills… Spider-man comic, some weird letter from Riddle and LeStrange Insurance Agency… – wait…

Dear Harry,
    Don’t get attached to anyone!


Harry: …?

Dear Harry,
    I’m really, really sorry for some of what I’m about to put you through, but at least you’ll get out from under the stairs!

Harry: …

Harry: ‘Why is there a picture of a whale in red tights in our letters… OH! Dudley, your school pictures are here!’

Harry: *Reading*
Mr. Porter
4 Privet Drive
The Cupboard Under the Stairs
Little Whinging

Harry: UGH! Wrong address AGAIN! There’s no ‘Mr. Porter’ here! I’m going to have to lodge an official complaint! This is the 436th one!’

Dan: *Reading*
Dear Mr. Radcliffe,
   We are pleased to inform you that you have been given the lead role in
Equus where you will perform stark naked and be mobbed by fangirls.
Dan: Sweet!
Tom Felton: *Sighs* Some people get everything…

‘Hmm… free mobile phone minutes… nah. 30% off at Macy’s… nah… AN INVITATION TO DRAW ME INTO MY DARK, DANGEROUS FUTURE? HECK YEAH!!!’

Harry: ‘Junk, junk… junk…. A-HA! GARBAGE!’

Harry: *Sighs* Junkmail…

Harry: Eww! Uncle Vernon, what magazines are you ordering in the mail?!
Vernon: Ooh, uhh, those aren’t mine.. look at the cover! It says – erm… ‘Petunia‘!
Harry: …

Harry: ‘…What’s a whelk?’

J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter was an ordinary boy with an ordinary child – if, of course, you call living in the cupboard under the stairs normal. Harry wa-
Harry: Please tell me someone else hears that voice…
Dudley: DAAD! Harry is hearing voices and I am not!!!

Harry: ‘Bill, bill, bill… What’s this? Malfoy and Ginny are enjoying a lovely holiday in Majorca… wish I was there? He’ll wish I WASNT there when I get through with him!’

‘Oh, it’s time for me to renew my restraining order against the Towel-Girl, I’d nearly forgotten!’

Harry: ‘Not plot point, not plot point, annoying person in two books… a-ha! Plot point!’

‘A-ha! Fred gave me a subscription to ‘Wicked Witch’ magazine. Woo-hoo!’

Harry: *to himself* Hmm… let’s see what my fan-mail is today…
Girl in Letter: Harry! Quit reading while you walk! You might run into a –
Harry: Bloody hell.. Broke my glasses again…

Harry: *Looks at postcard and turns to the painting* Do you think that Auntie Balloon with all her trips to the Island of Wight, is trying to prove a point?’

Dear Mr. Potter,
You have been accepted at Hogzit’z school of Tin Cans and Chivalry…

Harry: I can’t be a knight… I’m Harry… just Harry…!

Harry: Wow! I thought getting one letter was great…
Letter 1: Real Hogwarts Letter.
Letter 2: Letter from H.O.G.W.A.R.T.S. (aka Hairy Oversized Giants with Artistic Reality Television Series)

Hagrid: Oops! Sorry ’bout that! ‘Ats for me! *Grabs second letter before Harry can register what has happened*

Harry: So that’s what Dumbledore does during summer vacation…
Dumbledore on Postcard: *Stands up and waves*
Harry: …And I did NOT need to see him in a speedo…
-Carrie N.

After months of them sending him letters, Harry finally considered buying a timeshare in Finland.

Harry: *Gasps* ‘Buy one get one free sale on push-ups at Victoria’s Secret?!’

Mermaid: *Pops head out of water*
Harry: *Looks up* Myrtle, there aren’t merpeople in the Black Lake, are there?
Mermaid: *Flips her hair and laughs* You’re a few books too early, kiddo.

Harry: *Reading* What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that comes in your mail?
Hermione: *Off-frame* Bill!

‘Unbelievable! They’ve raised the price on Plot-Point stamps AGAIN!’
-Chris K.

Harry: *Reading* ‘A letter? For me? Oh my goodness, I’m DEFINITELY not going to make it super obvious so it’ll surely be taken away!’

Dear Mr. Potter,
   I want to have your babies when you are twenty.
Thank you.
Mary Sue


Harry: ‘Hogwarts School of… Wait! Nigeria’s prince wants to give me his fortune!’

Harry: ‘What kind of an idiot sends a curse via Muggle mail with a return address?!’

‘Oh, look, a mirror…. AAAH! I’m pre-pubescent again! NOOOO!’

Dear Mr. Potter,
   We regret to inform you that your recent application to all health care has been denied, seeing as you’re bound to meet your untimely death any day now.

Thank you for your time.
-Christie H.

Harry: *Reading letter*
To: The Boy-Who-Lived-But-Will-NO-More
What: You are invited to Lord Voldemort’s rebirthing party!
When: June 24th, 1994
Where: Little Hangleton Churchyard

Harry: …What a bunch of rubbish!

Vernon: Hurry up in there, boy! What are you doing? Checking for letter bombs? Ha ha!
Harry: *Looks at the poorly bound, unmarked, ticking envelope* Ha! What are the odds of that?!

Vernon: *Off-screen* Boy, did I get any mail?
Harry: Yes…
Vernon: Well, read it out, then!
Harry: *Reads* Your car is parked in a no parking zone. You have ten minutes to remove your car. You have five minutes to remove your car. Your car has been crushed into a cube… You have ten minutes to remove your cube.
Vernon: …

‘You may already be a one-hit child star…’?

Harry: *Thinking* Oh my god! Jo Rowling’s sent me an overview of Book Seven! Who lives, who dies, who falls in love, and how the adventure finally ends! I gotta tell someone!
*A moment passes*
Harry: Hey Emerson, Ben, Andy, Gretchen, Jamie – come look at this!

Harry: Oh, look… a postcard from Aunt Marge at the beach…
*flips card over to picture*
Harry: ….In a BIKINI! AAAGH! AAGH! AAAAGH! *runs around frantically and sets himself on fire*

Letter: Due to certain lack in areas of acting and ability, your services will no longer be required for the movie versions of Harry Potter…
Harry: WHAT?! They’re breaking up with me in a letter!?!

Harry: ‘…Bill… Bill… Bill… HEY BILL! YOUR MAIL IS HERE!’

To Mr. Harry Potter
The Cupboard Under the Stairs
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging
Or current resident

Harry: …
-Lisa N.

Harry: ‘Fangirl, fangirl… Colin Creevey… fangirl… fangirl…’

Dear Mr. Potter,
   We are pleased to inform you that you have won an all-expenses-paid vacation to the beach. Now, just face the painting on the wall and say, ‘Blue skadoo, we can too!’


‘So if I send in the pink form to this address I can get a free snow globe? That IS a pretty good deal.’

Dear Mr. Harry Potter,
Your application to join the MuggleNet staff has been declined.

Harry: *Walks away muttering* But I’M Harry Potter!

Dear Harry Potter,
   Im’ not sure why you moved, just because I used to sit outside your window and watch you turn your lights on… and off… and on… and off… Does not mean I was stalking you.

Love yours forever and more,
Romilda Vane

P.S. I made you cookies! They are in the box on top of your bed.

Harry: ‘I’ve won $1,000,000 from Ed McMahon? Cool! Wait… what am I gonna do with $1,000,000? I live in England – plus, I’m a friggin wizard!’
-Kelsey P.

Harry: What’s this… *Reading the letter* ‘Dear Vernon Dursley, We at the Barbie Doll Fan Club are delighted to welcome you and your son into our select group…’
-Rebecca K.

Dear Mr. Harry James Potter,

We would like to congratulate you on your recent purchase of:
Snakes Don’t Talk,
Letters Don’t Scream,
Brooms Don’t Fly.

Please send us your check or gold to
Lying Books
666 Private Hell
Diagon Alley

Or send us your payment by email at:

C. Nile Dementia


Harry: ‘Wow! Uncle Vernon won the All England Best Kept Lawn Contest!’
-Anna D.

Harry: *Reading newspaper* ‘Wednesday: rainy with strong winds; dangerous flying conditions. Thursday: Mostly cloudy, with a three-quarters probability of heavy apparition traffic. Friday: Windy; beware of flying motorcycles. Saturday: Clear night skies with 95% chance of Dark Marks.’
Harry: So much for that weekend picnic…

Harry: A chain letter? *Reading* ‘If you break the chain, you will suffer a terrible fate at the hands of a Dark Lord.’ Eh, these things never turn out bad…

Harry: ‘Headmaster Jack Bauer?! Nuff said!’

Harry: Looks at mail.
Eric: Hey! You’re supposed to put your actions into stars! Not say them!
Harry: *Sorry*
Eric: *Facepalm*

Harry: ‘Yay, my MuggleNet T-Shirt is here! It’s only 6 months late… And it’s XL, and I ordered medium. Pink? But I wanted blue… And it says ‘Mooglenet’ on the front and it’s starting to fall apart and I spent all my Galleons on it…’ *sigh*

After years of abuse by the Dursleys and living in filth in the cupboard under the stairs, it was not until this moment that Harry Potter realized he could not read.






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Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.