27 Ways to Annoy Dolores Umbridge


Guaranteed to get you a date with some some kittens and a bottle of Veritaserum.

  1. Offer her flies. Tell her they’re good with ketchup.
  2. Ask her if she’s related to Trevor.
  3. Follow close behind her all day, making clip-clopping noises with your tongue.
  4. Ask her if she’s met the handsome new divination teacher.
  5. Tell her that Cornelius Fudge only hired her to scare small children.
  6. Dye all her clothes black.
  7. …when she acts horrified, say you were only trying to help her, and that “black is the new pink.”
  8. Send her love notes, signing them as if they were from Cornelius Fudge.
  9. Perpetually use the word “umbrage.”
  10. Remind her constantly that her “Selwyn Family Heirloom” contained the shreds of the most evil wizard of modern times.
  11. Create your own Educational Decrees to contradict her’s.
  12. Make sure these said Decrees are identical to her own. Post them everywhere.
  13. Turn all of her kittens into toads.
  14. Talk in stage whispers about “army meetings,” “Dumbledore,” and “Harry Potter.” Should she confront you, stop talking, smile, and whistle innocently.
  15. Tell her you’re doing a Herbology project and want to know more about the plants in her natural habitat.
  16. Buy her Weasleys’ Wild-Fire Whiz-Bangs for Christmas.
  17. Ask her if she’s read the latest edition of the Quibbler. When she says no, offer her one.
  18. When she’s within earshot, announce loudly that Snape was a better headmaster than she was.
  19. Or if you’re feeling particularly daring, announce that Sir Cadogan would make a better headmaster.
  20. Offer her a free membership with S.P.E.W.
  21. Tell her that you didn’t do your homework because “progress for progress sake must be prohibited.”
  22. Ask her if she wears that mask all the time, or just when she’s teaching.
  23. Ponder loudly whether the title “Hogwarts High Inquisitor” sounds quite as powerful as, say, “Muggle Prime Minister.”
  24. Present her with a voodoo doll with an uncanny resemblance to her, but just before giving it to her, stash it away, muttering, “Oops, that one’s Harry’s…”
  25. Buy her a pet Niffler.
  26. Ask her why she didn’t transform into a beautiful princess when she recieved her first kiss.
  27. …cut yourself off before you finish the question, look like you just realized something, then pat her arm consolingly and say, “Don’t worry. Not everyone is cut out for love.”

Submitted by: Rose and Serena

Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.