85 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse, or Generally Scare the Dursleys


Guaranteed to brighten up a dull summer at Privet Drive!

  1. Should Dudley be backing up for any reason, go “beep, beep, beep…”
  2. Egg their house. Don’t feel confined to chicken eggs.
  3. Coat their entire kitchen with butter.
  4. Get a cheap Muggle cell phone. Give it a very annoying ring tone, and set it to ring every hour on the hour. Make it invisible. Hide it in the air vent of their house.
  5. Charm their garden hose to come to life and spray them down.
  6. Charm their lawn to sprout large purple mushrooms. When stepped on, these mushrooms should squeak loudly.
  7. Replace any flowers in their garden with the ever popular water squirting flowers.
  8. Sneak some particularly eerie-looking gnomes into their garden. Partially hide them behind bushes and such, so that they appear to be spying on those nearby.
  9. If there’s any room left in the garden, plant them a particularly sensitive Mimbulus Mimbletonia.
  10. Slip a doxy into their mailbox…
  11. …And a gnome in their pantry…
  12. …And Kreacher under one of their beds…
  13. …And a boggart into the refrigerator. Tell Dudley its a new dieting technique.
  14. Offer them foot rubs.
  15. Gather a large group of people together, and surround the Dursley’s house. Have everyone press their faces against the windows. When Mr. Dursley charges out to confront the group, tell him that you are there to eavesdrop, and ask if its a good time.
  16. Paint the Hogwarts crest on their front door.
  17. Use a permanent sticking charm to attach a wizards cape and hat to their front door, beneath the painted crest.
  18. On New Year’s Eve, anonymously send them a box of well-disguised wizard crackers.
  19. On Valentine’s Day, send each Dursley about sevent-five valentines by owl, signing them all from “their secret, magical admirer.”
  20. On St. Patrick’s Day, gather some particularly jolly leprechauns and persuade them to do a jig merrily on the Dursley’s front lawn for the entire day. Ring the front doorbell, and Disapparate.
  21. On Bonfire Night/Independence day, send them a box of Weasley’s Wild Fire Whizbangs.
  22. If Petunia sould ever inquire of you an idea for a Halloween costume, suggest a witch.
  23. If Dudley should ever ask the same question, suggest a pig.
  24. For Christmas, get all of your Hogwarts friends together. Show up at the Dursley house, and sing christmas carols loudly, for as long as possible.
  25. Replace any hard sweets that may be in the house, with the Weasley “effects” sweets.
  26. Grind several Ton-Tongue toffees into a fine powder, and add it to any and all of the flour and sugar canisters.
  27. Put a charm on Dudley that will make him crawl and walk on walls and cielings, Spider-Man style.
  28. Wake the whole family up at five in the morning to lead them in a peppy exercise routine. Include lots of Jumping Jacks.
  29. Offer to read their tea-leaves.
  30. Should they accept, tell them you see three figures, two fat, one thin, all very bad tempered. Go on to say that these people will never find happiness and are best avoided.
  31. Infest their home with Pygmy Puffs.
  32. Tell them they don’t exist.
  33. Find the most “un-Dursleyish” person you know, and set them up on a blind date with Dudley.
  34. Write “Aunt Marge” on a bunch of inflated balloons. Fill the Dursley’s kitchen with them.
  35. Find a way to magically change the color of their outfits, making each outfit a different lurid color depending on the day of the week (hot pink for Monday, Neon Green for Tuesday).
  36. Switch Dudley’s homework with Harry’s.
  37. Make all the doors in their house require passwords. Try to make these passwords either sickeningly cute, or magic-loving.
  38. Shave off Uncle Vernon’s mustache under the cover of darkness.
  39. Transfer this mustache onto Petunia.
  40. Leave a bundle of fake wands from Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes tied up with a ribbon on their coffee table.
  41. Try this dialogue with Dudley: “Hey Dudley, guess what?” “What?” “Nothing.” Repeat this several times daily.
  42. Get a stuffed rabbit and wrap it in swaddling clothes like a baby. PIn a note saying that they must care for this precious child, and guard it with their lives. Add a post script saying that should the rabbit government find that they are mistreating it in anyway, they will be dealt with. Ring their doorbell, and Dissaparate.
  43. Suggest to Petunia a new nickname for her son: Milk Dudsley.
  44. Offer them peppermint humbugs.
  45. sing “I know a song that gets on everbody’s nerves.”
  46. Should Dudley ever be on a diet, back some rich, chocolate cupcakes, topped with cream and candy sprinkles. Charm them so that they disappear when touched and reappear after a few minutes. Place them everywhere Dudley might see them.
  47. Buy Petunia and Vernon a book on child rearing, with emphasis on not spoiling children.
  48. Go to their home, and ask if Harry can come out and play.
  49. Enchant their television to play nothing but weight loss and anger managemenet comercials.
  50. Replace all beverages in their house with butterbeer.
  51. Replace all cookbooks in their house with potions textbooks.
  52. Try to convince them that the only way to avoid financial ruin is to move all their funds to Gringotts.
  53. Cast a spell on Dudley so that he will end every sentence with “potato.”
  54. Bake them a batch of perfectly ordinary, untampered cookies. After each have taken a bite, tell them that Harry and Sirius made them “special.”
  55. Using a paintbrush and stinksap, paint a mural on their kitchen floor.
  56. Play wizard “Ding Dong Ditch” with them. Go invisible, ring the doorbell, and stay there.
  57. Invite them to dinner at an Asian restuarant. Procure chopsticks that look exactly like wands.
  58. Blurt out “Boring!” whenever they talk about anything relating to work, or various Muggle contraptions.
  59. Rearrange their furniture and belongings several times a day. Deny doing so.
  60. Speak only in rhyme to them.
  61. Arrange for a dance team to hold practices at their house…at midnight.
  62. Replace their electric bill with a poem…written by Kreacher.
  63. Allude to the existence of a passage to Hogwarts inside their home.
  64. Arrange for all the streetlights on Privet Drive to mysteriously and simultaneously turn off very late at night for prolonged periods of time.
  65. Replace an area of carpet in their home with grass.
  66. Get some Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum, and figure all the ways you can make mischief with it.
  67. Randomly smack one of them in the face and shout, “Fly on your head!”
  68. Write a six page paper about how it stinks to be a Muggle. Read it to them.
  69. Ask them if they’ve met a lovely woman by the name of J.K Rowling.
  70. Ask them about the string theory.
  71. Leave mountains of letters at their door, all adressed to Harry.
  72. Should they ever be boiling with rage, break into showtunes.
  73. Ask them about Motorcycles.
  74. Buy them a large set of Magic Markers.
  75. Display a mood of constant mirth in their presence.
  76. Poke them for no apparent reason.
  77. Release several Snitches in their house.
  78. Steal all of their left socks.
  79. Steal all of their right shoes.
  80. Giggle.
  81. Announce that you will give Dudley a birthday gift that “matches the prowess of his mind.” Get him a coloring book, ages 3-
  82. Hire the tea ware from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, and hold a tea party for them.
  83. Convince them that they are secretly being filmed for “Wizarding Europe’s Most Wanted.”
  84. Tell them they are wanted by the fashion police.
  85. Be a wizard in their presence.

Submitted by: C.H.

Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.