Week of March 30, 2003
Hermione: *thinking* If I just move my head a liiittttlle bit to the left, I can totally block out that Susan Bones girl!
Chris: Emma! Don’t stand in front of my precious daughter! The only reason she’s in this movie is so she can be seen on camera!
Hermione: So that’s why she switches from Hufflepuff to Gryffindor! Gee! I thought it was just another movie mistake…
McGonagall: …And remember, the one who sells the most Girl-Scout cookies gets this shiny new racing broom!
Harry: All right! I’d better get started! Hey, Ron, do you think the creatures in the Forbidden Forest like cookies?!?
June 21st, 2003
–The midnight book release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix ends in tragedy as the crowd, dressed like their favorite Harry Potter characters, watch a group of rabid teenagers trample small children and a hat to get their hands on every copy of this long-awaited installment–
Harry: I don’t believe it!
Hermione: Impossible.. it’s.. AWFUL!
Ron: Fred told me the rumour, but I didn’t think it would come true…!
Seamus: Let’s run!
Harry: I can take on dragons, trolls, even Voldemort! Anything.. but this!
‘Yes, that’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen, I, Gilderoy Lockhart, am your new headmaster!’
McGonagall: …Next to be sorted is: Finnigan, Seamus!
Hermione: Don’t look now, Seamus, but.. your fly’s undone..
Hermione: April Fools!
McGonagall: I’m afraid Professor Dumbledore has.. misplaced the Sorting Hat; Professor Snape was kind enough to lend us this to use instead!
Hermione: That’s… not.. legal….right?
Hermione: Hey, Seamus.. I just determined who it was that takes our pictures for his Crazy Caption Contest!
Seamus: What? Where is he?!?
Hermione: Ok, look behind my shoulder. Then over Susan’s shoulder, back behind that unknown unimportant kid. Do you see Fred Weasley? Ok, now, behind him and to the left: He’s the one wearing the pointy black hat and looks away when you try and get a glimpse!
Hermione: ‘I’ll curse Ron! He tipped my boat over with the complicated Gogeteatenbythegiantsquidinthewater Spell and now I’m soaked!
Ron: Harry, what exactly is it we’re looking at?
Harry: I don’t know, but toss your hair and look pretty: this photo’s going for the MuggleNet Caption Contest!
Eleanor Columbus (Susan Bones): Gosh, Emma, get out of the way! The camera can’t see me properly!
Emma: Shut up, Eleanor! You aren’t even one of the key characters, just a wannabe!
Eleanor: Daddy, Daddy! Can I have permission to fire just one more cast member?
McGonagall: It’s quite simple. When I call your name, you will journey to the third floor corridor, try to get past the three headed dog and go down the trapdoor, find your way through Devil’s Snare, then take a broom and search for the right key to the next door, leading to a giant chessboard where you’ll have to win your way across, then try not to poison yourself with a set of potions and a riddle, then defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort! Upon completion the teachers will grade you and you will be Sorted into your houses!
Ron: Fred and George were going on about wrestling a mountain troll… bet that was easy…
Hermione: That’s Dumbledore!
Neville: Oh my! What’s he wearing?!?
Harry: Looks to me like a flowery purple bathrobe with matching shower cap…
Ron: Hey, that’s mine!
‘Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?’
The new Sorting Swimsuit didn’t get the reaction Dumbledore had predicted…
Seamus: ‘Professor McGonagall! What did you do with the fourth stool leg?!?’
Harry: What is that?!?
Ron: Dumbledore? McGonagall?!?
Dumbledore: Yes.. er… Welcome to your new year at Hogwarts!
McGonagall: *wipes lipstick off Dumbledore’s cheek*
Seamus: ‘Oh my, how’d we end up on the set of The Wall?!?’
Hermione: Does Dumbledore always welcome students to Hogwarts by stripping? Are we getting special treatment?
Harry: I dunno…
Ron: Probably because Harry’s here…
‘Look, Everyone! Dumbledore found Waldo!’
Seamus: Oh my..
Hermione: Is that…
Harry: Yes.. I think…
Ron: They forgot the speech bubble again!
Eric: Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck… Goose!
Hermione: Hey, I wasn’t ready! Stupid Muggles, did you not see my face?!?
McGonagall: Draco Malfoy!
Draco: *sits, takes hat*
Sorting Hat: Hmm… Wait a minute.. there seems to be a mistake, this kid is a Muggle!
Draco: !!!!! There must be.. some.. mistake… My whole family are wiz…
*Guards come out with asps in hand*
Sorting Hat: Let’s show him what we do with thugs like him…
*Guards drag Draco away*
McGonagall: Alright, let’s see who’s next…
Boys: WOW, naked girls!
Hermione: *outraged* I don’t remember EVER seeing these girls at the Sorting Ceremony before!
JKR: Welcome to the new and exciting Fifth Year, everybody!
From now on Nearly-Headless Nick will be known as Nearly-Pantless Nick!
Alan Rickman: Why is everyone looking at me like that?
Dan Radcliffe: Why are you wearing a bra and G-String?!?
Alan Rickman: Cuaron said for PoA I had to ‘come out of the closet’….?
Albus: ‘See here, children, this is what happens during Spring Break when good witches go bad…’
Hermione: Well, they are short of money..
Ron: Yes, but isn’t a staff swimsuit competition going a bit too far?
‘Peeves and ‘Moaning’ Myrtle?!.. who’da thunk!’
McGonagall: When I call your name you are to come forth and sing a song of your choice!
Hermione: OH NO!
Hermione: I forgot the words to Lady Marmalade!
Ron: You can make them up then! Besides, I don’t think they’ll be paying much attention to your singing anyway!
Jerry Springer: Hi and welcome to today’s show, ‘You Ruined My Life’. Next to me right now is Tom, now Tom told us that his life was going great until a boy ruined it for him. Tom, what’s going on?
Tom: Well, Jerry, I had it all. You see, I was the most powerful wizard in town, and my powers were growing. Everything was going great until a one-year-old boy named Harry Potter took my powers right from me!
Jerry: Well, Tom, we have a surprise for you today because Harry is here in the audience. Come on up, Harry Potter!
Harry: What?!? Oh man… You said we were going to Hogsmeade, not the Jerry Springer studio!
McGonagall: ‘Now, when I call your name, you will come up. I will place.. *looks down and raises red baseball cap* Alright! Which Mudblood put this here?!?!’
Dean: Hey, I think this is the first time I’ve been in a caption…
Neville: Yeah, me too!
Seamus: Will you two shut up?
Harry: Yeah, we’re about to get sorted…
Dean and Neville: WE’RE IN A CAPTION!
*Malfoy smacks them on the head*
Dean: Hey, what was that for?!?
Malfoy: Thanks to your distraction that darn hat made me a Hufflepuff!
*Staring at the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher*
Ron: Are those real?
-Lyssa and Kathy
Harry: Hello, would you like to buy some Girl-Scout cookies?
Emerson: Sure! I’ll have one pack of the thin mints…
Harry: OK, Sir, that’ll be three dollars.
Emerson: THREE DOLLARS! I’m not paying that much for some cookies!
Harry: *sad face* But Sir, it will benefit poor orphan children like me!
Emerson: Well.. alright then.. *buys cookies*
Harry: *looks to Ron and Seamus* Told you that always gets ’em!
Hermione: We have a D!
Seamus: We have an R!
Neville: We have an A!
Ron: We have a C!
Dean: We have an O!
Together: We have Draco!
Harry: W-we… h-have.. no.. I don’t want to.. Stop! Ron, Hermione, what are you doing?!?
Draco: *sneering in the background* Like my Imperius Curse, Potter?
‘Lockhart didn’t do it right: Usually your clothes come with you when you apparate… Atleast the best of him made it!’
Harry: This magician guy is really cool!
Dumbledore: And now for my next trick….!
Ron: A sword?!?
Harry: He can’t even pull a rabbit out!
Ron: What a rip-off!!! *leaves*