Week of October 12, 2003
Snape: *Thinking* Who is that woman sitting next to me? She isn’t half as diabolically British as me!
Woman: *Thinking* Who is that man sitting next to me? He isn’t half as diabolically British as me!
Dumbledore: *Reading their minds, thinking* How silly they are! For it is I who is the most diabolically British! Ha ha ha!
Snape: *Just did Legilimens on the woman* She’s lying! She isn’t doing anything on Friday night!
Snape: *In a seductive manner* Well hello, Professor Sinistra…
Sinistra: Snape, I’ve told you millions of times, now if you don’t leave me alone I’ll jab this fork in your thigh!
Snape: *Seductively* But you can’t deny me, you know you want me…
*Sinistra’s arm moves under the table, Snape looks away*
Snape: *High-pitched voice* You missed!
Sinistra: *Smiles* Oops…
*Snape and Woman talking via Occlumency*
Woman: Severus, I had much fun last night…
Snape: Yeah, I did too, umm… baby.
Woman: That play you took me to was wonderful…
Snape: Yes, I love ‘The Dark Lord Always Rings Twice’.
Woman: But, my favorite part was after the play…
Woman: You know, when we went back to your dungeon and…
Snape: Hush, baby, Dumbledore might be listening!
Albus: I had no idea you liked the theatre, Severus…
Snape: *Thinking* Maybe if I just keep looking to the left, Madam Pince won’t realize that I haven’t turned in that overdue library book…
Pince: *Laughs to self* He thinks I don’t know about that library book…
Snape: …So then she says ‘Well I don’t like it either!‘ and walks off!
*Teachers burst into laughter*
Woman: Hahahaha! That’s a good one!
*All the teachers stop laughing except the woman*
Snape: *Whispers to McGonagall* Who is that?
Snape: Mother, go away…
Snape’s Mom: No… What’s the matter with you, honey? This is Mother-Son week, isn’t it?
Snape: No, Mother… now go away before anyone sees me with you…
Snape’s Mom: Everyone! Attention Please! I will now be displaying Snape’s Nude Baby Pictures!
*Everyone runs to see them*
Snape: Mum! I hate you! …
Snape: ‘Alright, who left this black lacy underwear in my spot?!’
*Richard Simmons is on the other end of the table doing jumping jacks, the students are grudgingly copying him on the floor*
Snape: I knew bringing in a Muggle for Fitness Day was a bad idea!
Simmons: Come on, people! Work that fat!
*Goyle falls over exhausted*
Simmons: Zap those double chins faster than you can say ‘lacanum inflamare‘!
Harry: Hey… not a bad idea! *Ignites Richard Simmons’ fro*
Simmons: *Runs out screaming as students cheer*
McGonagall: I spy, with my little eye… something black.
Snape: That pink bird?!
Lady: Severus! It’s Halloween, and you’ve forgot your costume!
Snape: Oh really? And just what are you supposed to be?
Lady: *Scoffs* Can’t you tell?! I’m one of Alfred Hitchcock’s Birds!
Snape: *Rolls eyes*
Snape: *Thinking* When I said I wanted a woman who stood out in a crowd, this isn’t what I meant! This lady’s scary beyond all reason! That’s the third bowl of fruit she’s eaten! And if she doesn’t’ stop staring at me, I think I’ll have to fail Potter for suggesting I use the Floo Network Dating Service to begin with!
Woman: Hmm… that hair gel is sexy…
-Kate and Melissa
Snape: What’ve you got to be so happy about?
Woman: You die in Book Five!
Snape: What?! Where’s my agent?!
Dumbledore: Alright… I want Sibyll sitting on one side of Professor Snape, and on the other side…
Snape: *Thinking* Please say ‘McGonagall’, please say ‘McGonagall’…
Sibyll: Next year you’ll be sacked, Severus…
Snape: For poisoning you, I presume…
*Snape’s First Date*
Snape: *Whispering* How could you wear such a stupid hat? Don’t you know it makes me look like an idiot?
Woman: *Totally serious* Aww, Sevie-poo, you don’t like it?
Snape: Check, please!
Hmm, alright… who shall I kill today? Eenie…meenie…miney…
Albus: Professor Snape, would you like to say a few words?
Snape: I can’t, Sir. Something is crawling up my leg… *Looks to his right* Oh!
Snape: Ha! I’m much more of an important character than you are!
Woman: Well, I am a much more mysterious one! Deal with that!
Snape: Darn, she’s got a point…
Woman: And I look better too! *Sticks tongue out*
Snape: Yuck! I’m not going to eat this! There’s tuna in it!
Woman: It’s not tuna; it’s Chicken of the Sea!
Snape: Albus? Why are you dressing up now? Halloween isn’t for a couple of weeks?
Snape: Hey! What do you get if you sit under a cow?
Snape: A pat on the head!
Woman: If that was an attack on my hat…
Snape: Oh, no, of course not! *Smirks*
Alan: Oh no, do I have to watch them film that giant and that child hug again?
Lady: Don’t pretend you aren’t enjoying it!
Snape: Aww, do I have to sit next to her?
Snape: ‘Enough with the footsies game! I’ve had enough!‘
Madam Pince: *Thinking* If I could just transfigure his head into a turkey, this feast would liven up…
Snape: *Muttering* I will not look at her hat and start laughing… I will not look at her hat and start laughing… I will not look at *Looks over and bursts out laughing* darn it!
Sinistra: Well, I must say, Professor Snape, that valentine was really sweet – and, uh, rather unexpected…
Snape: *Looking furtively around* Not around the students, Professor! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Snape: *Talking to self* ‘Remember, don’t look in Potter’s eyes… remember, he’s the basilisk!
Snape: *Chewing on grape, thinking* This would be so much easier if it were real food!
Albus: *Reading Goblet of Fire* Se..Severus Snape? *Turns and glares at Snape*
Snape: What? Don’t look at me!
Albus: *Reading Goblet of Fire* Harry.. Beehynd?! *Turns and glares at Snape*
Snape: What?! Don’t look at me!
Dumbledore: Before we eat, I have a few start of term announcements…
Snape: *Thinking* A few.. hah, this always takes forever!
Dumbledore: First off, the Forbidden Forest is strictly off limits to all students…
Snape: *Thinking* Same as always, yada-yada-yada… I’m hungry.. I think I’ll just have a grape quick…
*Snape reaches for the grapes, a hand reaches out and grabs his, not letting go*
Dumbledore: Alas, yet another use for house elves! That’ll teach you to eat while I’m talking!
Albus: *Reading Goblet of Fire* B.G. … Schnoz? *Turns and glares at Snape*
Snape: Stop looking at me, Albus!
Albus: *Reading Goblet of Fire* Ginger.. vitis… *Turns and glares at Snape*
Snape: I swear! It’s the Goblet that chooses! Someone else just puts them in!
Snape: *Looks romantically towards the woman* My dear…
Lady: *Waves hand* Shhh! You heard Rowling! They’re not supposed to know!
Snape: Yeah… her words are still burnt into my head!
–In Snape’s Mind–
Boy: Do the Hogwarts teachers have spouses?
JKR: Yes, but that information is supposed to be kept secret – for special reasons!
–Back at the table–
Lady: See?! We can never tell them until she says!
Albus: *Hesitantly reading Goblet of Fire* Mike Hu..! *Raises wand at Snape*
Snape: Alright, alright! *Cracking up laughing* I did it! I’ll admit it!