Week of November 16, 2003
Colin: Aargh! It’s Michael Jackson! *Camera breaks*
Michael: Come back, little boy! We didn’t have our sleepover yet!
Colin: ‘The British are coming! The British are coming! Wait a minute… I am British! *Screams and runs away*
Colin: *Holding a glass of water*
Water: *Ripples twice*
Colin: *Remembers Jurassic Park* Aaah! The T-Rex is coming!
Grawp: *Burst through the bleachers in a Speedo, throws his head back, and roars*
Hermione: Now, Harry, you know it isn’t nice to petrify Colin and then leave him on the track of the Hogwarts Express…
Colin was trying to figure out why the Frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit him.
Newscaster: ‘Today in the news: Young man is harassed by crazy flying monkey. In other news: Scientists send probe to Uranus. People everywhere giggle.’
‘Come on, Professor, McGonagall! We’re like a century apart!’
-Masha and Natasha
Colin was walking back from a Quidditch game, when suddenly a Delorean car flew down from the sky and landed in front of him…
Michael J. Fox: Hey, Kid, can I borrow your camera?
Colin: *Defensively* Why?
Chris Lloyd: *Leans over and whispers* Because if you don’t, we’ll send you back to Snape’s school days, and you can wax his eyebrows for the rest of your life. Believe me, we were just there – it’s not a pretty sight.
Colin: *Makes face* Eww… alright, here *Hands over his camera*
Michael J. Fox: Thanks, Kid.
*They close the door and fly away. While flying, the Polyjuice Potion wears off and Harry and Ron snicker*
Harry: What a fool.
Ron: *Holds up camera* Girl’s showers here we come!
Lee Jordan: Now, what do you get for the Death Eater that has everything? How about Madam Malkin’s new Hooded Robes?!
*Models walk out in fuzzy pink hooded robes*
Lee: Now we move on to swimwear! Our models today are Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, and our very own Severus Snape!
Colin: I knew these seats were too close…
Harry: Colin, I’m sick of you following me around and taking pictures of me! You want a picture?! Do ya?! …Picture this! *Moons him*
Colin: Harry! What do you think you’re doing wearing a mini-skirt?!
Harry: It’s okay! I had Subway for lunch!
Colin: *Talking increasingly faster* Find a happy place, find a happy place!
Colin: Eeeeww! Harry, you just kissed Cho Chang! *Gasps* Now you’ve got cooties! Quick, I have to get you to the hospital wing so they can disinfect you! Do you have any idea what kind of germs she might have? I mean, she’s a Ravenclaw for Heaven’s sake – there’s no telling where she’s been! I’m sure a dirty old gym sock that’s been shared between a group of Slytherins who haven’t bathed for a week are cleaner than her! I mean really, Harry, come on! Have you lost your mind *whispers* and good taste in girls?!
Harry: GOD, COLIN, SHUT UP!
Colin: Hey, Harry! Can I take your picture please, Harry? Harry, you’re the greatest, Harry! Harry, why are you running at me with a chainsaw, Harry? Harry? Aaah!
After the sad demise of Harry and Ron in the Forbidden Forest, Colin was the next to suffer the wrath of Tolkien and Peter Jackson’s creations, quickly learning that giant talking trees do not enjoy having their picture taken.
Colin: *Lifts his head slowly and looks into the camera* Chris, I wet myself with excitement…
Chris: Oh, Colin, why?
Colin: *Face cracks into a smile and he begins to shake with joy* I touched Harry Potter!
Narrator: Colin learned the hard way not to join the LotR Fan Club using the school e-mail.
Snape: *In a voice fit for the Fab. 5 and while wearing a bright pink turtle neck* So, you’re a Lord of the Rings fan too! Oh you must come to my discussion groups. Every Friday, can’t miss it!
Colin: *Thinking* Yuck; the first thing I don’t want to take a picture of…
*During the Quidditch Match*
Colin: *Screaming over cheering* Harry, Harry! Come over here, Harry!
Harry: What is it, Colin?
Colin: *Drowned out by cheering* Look…something…not…working…help!
Harry: What do you need, Colin?
Harry: Colin?! Has the basilisk gotten to you? Is he taking you to the Chamber?
*All goes Silent*
Colin: No, No! My camera is broken! But if you don’t fix it, when the monster does come and get me, I’ll die! *Runs away wailing*
‘Oh my Gosh! It’s… it’s… Undeveloped film!‘
Old Rusting Camera…………………………………..120 Galleons
Gryffindor Scarf that Doesn’t Match………………..5 Galleons
Stupid Hair-cut………………………………………….25 Galleons
Being about to be hit in the face with a Bludger…Priceless
‘There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard…’
‘What?! Snape and Trelawney are kissing and my camera’s out of batteries? Nooo!‘
Colin: Aaah! Basilisk!
Hagrid: No, it’s just me, Colin!
Colin: Aaah! Giant!
–Home Alone 27: Lost at Hogwarts—
Colin: Aaah! Broomsticks!
Woman: Now welcome to –
Boy: Disney Land! I’ve always wanted to come here!
Colin: ‘I knew I should’ve stayed home today!’
Colin: Mwahahaha! Little does Eric know that I shall be taking his photo for this week’s Caption Contest! First I’ll distract him by performing classic Scottish Jigs, and then I’ll take his picture and run off screaming like a maniac! ‘Tis a fool-proof plan!
Eric: *Steps out from behind Colin* SNAP! *Takes a dozen different photos*
Colin: *Gasp* Not fair, not fair! I demand a retake!
Eric: Look, kid, do you think I gave anybody else ‘retakes’? I mean, just look at half of them and you’ll clearly see that the answer shall forever stand as ‘No‘!
Colin: …. *Starts doing a Scottish Jig*
Thousands of Screaming Girls: Look! It’s Colin!
*Ron and Harry are watching from the bleachers*
Ron: *Uncontrollably laughing* Harry! That Socks thing is wicked revenge!
Harry: Ron, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s S.O.C.S, Society of Creevey’s Stalkers!
Unfortunately for Colin, the flash on his camera was mistaken for a shiny Snitch that fateful day…
Colin: Why are all those girls chasing Malfoy?
Girls: *Screaming* Aaron! Aaron! Can we have your autograph?
Malfoy: Shut up, Colin! They think I’m Aaron Carter!
Colin: They wouldn’t if it weren’t for the new director! He’s the one that fixed your hair like that!
‘What do you mean June 5th?‘
Harry: Colin? Er – What’s the matter?
Colin: I’ve just seen the PoA trailer six million, seven-hundred and thirty-thousand, four-hundred and sixty-seven times!
Colin: *A long exasperated gasp* I’m not in it!