Week of June 20, 2004
Dumbledore: Look! Up in the sky!
Fudge: What? What? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it -?
Dumbledore: Nothing really… I just like saying that line…
Dumbledore: ‘The fool looks at a finger that points to the sky, Cornelius…’
Guy in Suit: Hey, you’re not Dumbledore, you have a grey beard and you’re kind of too short!
Imposter Dumbledore: Look! A great big flying thingy!
Guy in Suit: Where?!
Imposter Dumbledore: *Hobbles away quickly*
Dumbledore: No, no, Cornelius, John Travolta does it more like this. You see? It’s all in the hips!
Dumbledore: Oh, look!
Dumbledore: It’s Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger!
Fudge: Oh, good heavens! What are they doing?
Dumbledore: Get a Common Room!
Michael Gambon: Really, is this suitable for a children’s film?
Dumbledore: Look over there in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Fudge: Oh my, it’s Harry Potter and Hermione Granger attempting to rescue an escaped Sirius Black on the hippogriff that we were supposed to be executing in three minutes’ time!
Dumbledore: Yes, well, have you seen these giant pumpkins?! They’re absolutely mind-blowing!
Dumbledore: Is that a flying blue car?!
Fudge: I… I believe it is! ARTHUR WEASLEY!
Dumbledore: I knew it! I am *all* knowing, *all* seeing!
Fudge: *bewildered* Huh? *looks up into the sky, seeing a giant disco ball zooming about*
Dumbledore: Disco is back! *points finger up and down, up and down*
Dumbledore: If you’ll kindly look into the air, just follow my finger.
Fudge: What, exactly, are we looking at, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Nothing in particular, I’m just distracting you so two students can sneak Buckbeak into the forest…
Dumbledore: I said, ‘When this is all over, do you think the students would like some porridge?’
Fudge: Oh, yes. Yes. I imagine they would fancy some, the air is quite chilly, isn’t it?
Dumbledore: Does anyone want to buy a parrot for one Galleon?
Fudge: *appears and hands Dumbledore a Galleon*
Dumbledore: You see that one flying over there? *Points hand upwards*
Fudge: Yes – the one that’s flying away?
Dumbledore: Yes. That one’s your parrot… *runs off*
Dumbledore: …and here we have some other new feature of the grounds that wasn’t here in the first two movies and only put in this one so that you wouldn’t see Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger sneaking Buckbeak the Hippogriff off into the forest luring him with a dead ferret…
Dumbledore: Let’s not watch the execution…
EXECUTIONER: *chops something off-screen*
PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ THE BOOKS: OMG HORSYBIRD!
Guy with Tie: Honestly, I think I’m in the wrong movie…
Dumbledore: Maybe I can show you the way – which movie?
Guy with Tie: Willy Wonka. I’m the dude in the alley.
Dumbledore: Okay, you go down the Yellow Brick Road, just beyond Cinderella’s Castle.
Guy with Tie: Thank you, sir.
Fudge: *Aghast* Are those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz?!
Dumbledore: Oh, no, Cornelius. See, if you look closer you can tell that they’re just mutant flying house-elves. I like to call them my own personal sock-hunters…
Dumbledore: Look! A dead bird!
Fudge: *Looks up* where?!
Pumpkins: Oh, that’s nice – just put us in the background! We are living things too, y’know!
Dumbledore: To infinity – and beyond!
Dumbledore: We’re not supposed to tell Muggles about Magic – but you’re an exception. See, Hogwarts is just over there – can you see it?
Man: Oh no! I can’t believe I left the stove on – got to go!
Dumbledore: *Chuckles* Works every time…
Dumbledore: ‘That’s the North Tower, where Divination classes are held. And that’s the East Tower, where my secret barbershop and candy store is – Whoops, did I say that aloud?’
Dumbledore: ‘Can you get my teeth? They’re stuck in the Whomping Willow…’
Dumbledore: ‘The second star to the right, then it’s straight on ’till morning. You can’t miss it.’
Dumbledore: Mars is unusually bright tonight, wouldn’t you say, Minister?
Fudge: Do I care? – …no.
Harry: ‘Hey, that old guy’s hat is smoking.’
Dumbledore: ‘…and there’s Dippet, and there’s me! See! I told you there’s a magical Mt. Rushmore!’
Dumbledore: It’s very grainy out today, isn’t it?
Fudge: Yes, very grainy indeed…
Fudge: What’s that above our heads?!
Dumbledore: That? That’s a Caption Contest News Scroller!
Fudge: Oh… well, what does it say?
Dumbledore: Well… there was a mass hysteria, and if you don’t send your caption in by Thursday, it’s not going to be a winner!
Fudge: *Crying* Why did I put it off? Why?!
Dumbledore: *Reads sign* Now made with real chicken…
Fudge: If they’re made with real chicken now, what were they made with before?
Narrator: The world may never know…
Dumbledore: ‘Well it appears, Cornelius, that you did not deflate Harry’s Aunt Marge as you had thought…’
Dumbledore: Look over there! It’s Lucky, from the Muggle cereal Lucky Charms!
Fudge: Hey, I’ve got a spoon to pick with him! The milk I poured on the door-shaped marshmallows didn’t unlock my office!
‘Oh yes, I’ve had the entire grounds redone for this year. The most difficult part was making the tunnel from Hogsmeade still come up from underneath the Whomping Willow…’
‘Look, Cornelius – we’ve found him at last! After 7 years, 11 months, 22 days, 4 hours, 42 minutes, and 58 seconds! We’ve found Waldo!’
Dumbledore: And, as you can see, the school has also decided to add a Starbucks to the grounds…
Fudge: My word…
Dumbledore: Look at that bus – ‘Six Flags’?
Kids: *Screaming* It’s the Six Flags guy!
Guy next to Dumbledore: *Starts dancing*
Dumbledore: ‘…and if you look this way, you’ll see that there is a tower of Hogwarts shaped precisely like my index finger!’
Dumbledore: Fudge, look, it’s a plot point!
Flying Good Year Blimp Mystifies Wizards…
Dumbledore: Look at that cloud, Minister – it looks just like someone’s -
*At the Quidditch Match*
Lee: Johnson! Back to Bell – Spinnet! -
Dumbledore: Ah, there he is!
Fudge: Where? Oh yes, yes I see him…
Dumbledore: Poor Harry. His attempt to achieve Animagus form failed. Now he thinks he’s a cat – he’s been stuck on Hagrid’s roof for days.
Harry: *Scared* Meow?
Fudge: And is that… a Weasley?
Ron: *Down below* Arf! Arf!
…and Eric sat back and watched the ‘It’s a bird – it’s a plane – no, it’s -’ captions just fly right in…
Dumbledore: Look over there – it’s a distraction!
Fudge: Where?!?! I don’t see it!
Fudge: ‘-Why is there a fish hanging from your beard, Albus?’
Dummbledooore phooone hooooome….
Dumbledore: ‘I seem to have a scarecrow growing out of my arm…’
Dumbledore: ‘You see that in the sky? That’s our friendship flying away over the next two books…’
Dumbledore: And if you look closely, you can see Sirius -
Fudge: Sirius Black?
Dumbledore: No! Sirius the star!
Dumbledore: ‘I can’t believe it’s not Buckbeak!’
Off-screen Bystander: It’s a horse!
Fudge: It’s a griffin!
Dumbledore: It’s – all of the above!