Week of September 11, 2005
Uncle Vernon: This new sandwich meat is amazing, Harry! What is it?
Harry: It’s an Asian dish…
Aunt Marge: *In background* Has anyone seen Ripper…?
Harry: *Thinking* If only some magical school that I’ve never heard of and can’t pronounce would send me a letter…
Letters from Chimney: *Thwack*
Vernon: My eye!
Dudley: ‘Hey! This cookie looks like Dumbledore! I wonder how much I can get for it on eBay…’
Vernon: ‘To be eaten or not to be eaten… that is the question…’
Had Harry Potter not been drawn into the Wizarding World to discover the attractiveness of a career as an Auror, he was undoubtedly well on the path to becoming one heck of a waiter.
Harry: Would you like a cookie, Uncle Vernon?
Vernon: What kind of cookies are they?
Harry: They’re M-
Vernon: -I told you never to use the ‘M’ word in this house!
Harry: -Macadamian nut…?
Harry: ‘How am I supposed to know why you like Sundays? It’s been proven by votes numbering more than 29,000 on MuggleNet that the Inner-Eye does not see upon command!’
Harry: Uncle Vernon? You’re telling me to comb my hair?
Uncle Vernon: *Turns purple again*
Aunt Petunia: Harry, dear, you should rest. You look tired.
Dudley: Harry, could you hand me another cookie? They are quite good. You did an excellent job!
Uncle Vernon: Alright… what the devil is going on here?!
Aunt Petunia: Oh, didn’t you hear? Harry’s parents had a small fortune stored away in a wizards’ bank called Gringotts. Now it’s all Harry’s.
Uncle Vernon: -Yes, Harry, these cookies are marvelous!
Vernon: Who are you?
Harry: I’m Harry.
Dudley: You look more like a waiter.
Petunia: No, he looks more like an orphan.
Harry: I am an orphan.
Vernon: But, you just said you were Harry.
Harry: …Forget it…
‘Right you are, Harry. No post on Sundays. No blasted S.P.E.W. membership junk mail today!’
Vernon: Fine day, Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week. Why is that, Harry?
Harry: Because there’s no Weight Loss Program for Idiots on Sunday…
Vernon: Right you are, Harry! …
Harry: Uncle Vernon, how did my parents die?
Vernon: I told you before, it’s a family secret.
Harry: *In a mocking voice* I’ll give you a cookie if you tell me.
Vernon: *Trying to resist* I… I … can’t!
Vernon: THEY WERE KILLED BY AN EVIL WIZARD – NOW GIVE ME A BLOODY COOKIE!
Harry: *Gives him the cookie* Good Boy… wait… WHAT?!
Harry: ‘You know, Uncle Vernon, those vertical stripes don’t make you look any thinner…’
The REAL reason the Dursleys don’t want Harry in their house: Dudley matches the magazine on the table and the bookshelf, Vernon matches the wallpaper, Petunia matches the sofa, but Harry simply does not match the drapes!
Harry: I just came back to tell you that this will be my last visit to Privet Drive. I need to track down the four remaining Horcruxes and avenge my parents’ death by killing the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Vernon: So… let me get this straight. You are about to embark on a dangerous mission, on which you may very well be killed, and you will never return to this house again?
Harry: That’s about right…
Vernon: Get the champagne, Petunia, this calls for a celebration!
Harry: Uncle Vernon, I’ve been wondering. Since we’re British, we would call them ‘biscuits’, right?
Uncle Vernon: What’s your point, boy?
Harry: Well, I’m wondering if Girl Scout BISCUIT captions are allowed this week…
Aunt Petunia: *Looking up* Well, no, I don’t think so. Not technically, anyway.
Dudley: You might as well try it, Harry. I’ve always wanted to have a line in a winning caption.
Harry: Okay, here we go! *clicks ‘send’ button*
Vernon: What did you learn at school today, Harry?
Harry: We learned about smoking. It has been found that 25,000 people die each day from smoking related illnesses. But scientists have proved, conclusively, that this number would be halved if divided by two!
Harry: ‘Good evening, sir, and welcome to Cookie Cafe! Today’s special, cookies! *Mumbles* Not that you need them…’
Vernon: Fetch me the coffee, boy.
Harry: Yes, Uncle Vernon.
Vernon: Fetch me the bacon, boy.
Harry: Yes, Uncle Vernon.
Vernon: Fetch me the cookies, boy.
Harry: Yes, Uncle Vernon. *Thinking* Boy are you gonna get cut from the 4th movie…
Vernon: What’s that in your dessert, then?
Harry: A letter telling me I’ve been accepted into Willy Wonka’s School of Chocolateering.
Why Uncle Vernon doesn’t eat cookies anymore:
Harry: This school year, I learned how to turn my friends into cookies! That way they’ll always be with me.
Slughorn: *Thinking, while pretending to be the chair* When J.K. Rowling said she was gonna sneak me into the first book she never said that I would be sat on in the process.
Harry: Cookies, anyone?
Dudley: HARRY! Can’t you see we’re in the middle of a rousing game of charades? Mumsy was just acting out a film for us, using only her facial expressions.
Vernon: Hmmmm… Let’s see… ‘Black Beauty’! Ummm…’Sea Biscuit’! Oh, I’ve got it! ‘The Horse Whisperer’!
Petunia: I… I haven’t started yet
You know HP shipping has gone too far when:
Shippers viewing this week’s image: ‘OMG! Petunia is going to leave Vernon for Slughorn! Look! She’s sitting in his lap!’
Harry: Eric says we need to stretch our minds to come up with an unconventional caption this week…
Vernon: Absolutely not! We don’t get involved in unconventional activities in this house! Now where did you get those cookies?
Harry: Some Girl Scouts…
Don’t be upset, Uncle Vernon, Dudley was bound to develop an Oedipus Complex one of these days.
-Jake A. Ralphing
Vernon: And, why is there no post on Sundays?
Harry: Because the postal workers are too busy reading the caption scroller.
Harry: Excuse me Uncle Vernon, but this is a survey from my school. *Clears throat* Are you, or have you ever been the imprint of a departed soul?
Uncle Vernon: ….
-Wolf of West
Harry: Uncle Vernon, are you the imprint of a departed soul?
Vernon: What did you say to me?!
Harry I said would you like your biscuits in a bowl?
Vernon: Who took the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ from the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ jar!
Petunia: Harry took the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ from the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ jar!
Harry: Who me? Couldn’t be.
Vernon: Then who took the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ from the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ jar!
Harry: Dudley took the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ from the ‘unique string of letters and numbers that the web server stores in a file on your hard drive’ jar!
Dudley: *Munching on biscuits*!