Week of January 1, 2006
Rita: Why, Fleur dear, what a wonderful uniform! What ever is it made of?
Fleur: Crushed wings o’ ladybugz; eetz very popular in France!
Harry: ‘No, I do not want to try something that’ll ”blow my mind”. All of you leave me alone! I don’t yield to peer pressure! NO!’
Harry: Pardon me, Miss Skeeter, but why is it that captions involving you always seem to go in a rather sordid direction?
Skeeter: I don’t know what you’re talking about, young man.
Harry: Then whose hand is on my —
Viktor: Oh, sorry.
Daniel Radcliffe: Yes! I am finally taller than someone on the cast.
Robert Pattinson: Sorry, Clemence is sitting down, so that doesn’t count.
Daniel Radcliffe: Way to smash my hopes and dreams there, Robert the Annoyingly Tall…
Rita Skeeter: ‘I’m sorry boys, but you’ve all lost. Miss Delacour here is our new Musical Chairs Champion!’
Shortly after their first interview with Rita Skeeter, the four Triwizard champions are shocked to discover that they now have the same boggart.
Harry: Didn’t we already have this scene as a caption picture?
Cedric: Yeah, except now we have more people to poke fun at!
Cedric: Sorry, I don’t speak Italian.
In the Wizarding world, the flight attendant is the one who’s sitting while the passengers offer her something to drink.
Rita: Has anyone else noticed how left out Viktor Krum is? He’s the only one NOT wearing a colour from a Hogwarts House! I’m in Slytherin Green, Fleur is in Ravenclaw Blue, and you two Hogwartians are in your respective house colours.
Krum: I am not left out, I am dressed as Hagrid!
Rita: Oh… Dear, the hairy beard goes on your chin…
Miranda Richardson: Okay, Stanislav will be the Phantom, Clémence will be Christine, Daniel will be Raoul, and, like always, I’ll be Madame Giry.
Robert Pattinson: Who am I?
Miranda Richardson: No, no dear. That’s Les Miserables, not Phantom.
Champions: You want us to do what now?!
Rita: Look, all I am asking for is a little love triangle between Krum, Fleur, and Harry. You know, give the media what they want to hear…
Cedric: Well, what about me?
Rita: You’re a Hufflepuff dear; no-one really cares about your love life…
Rita: *Whispers to Harry* Two caption contests ago we settled that Krum’s hat is made of ferret. Now, if Fleur’s hat is indeed a Hershey’s Hugs and Kisses, we’ve got ourselves a front-page story, boy!
Rita: Now Krum, if you move over there, just between me and Cedric…
Harry: Those Verizon people are paying you again, aren’t they?
–Continuation from Eliza’s caption last week–
Rita: Now would be a good time to make a Verizon Wireless joke.
Eric: Delete this caption, I will…
Miranda: ‘Now everyone, let’s stay here and watch as over two thousand captions roll in about Stanislav stealing Sean’s Biggerstaff.’
Rita: Now, Harry, I MUST ask you –
Harry: If this is about how I’m coping with the death of my parents, then I don’t want to hear it.
Rita: Actually, I was just going to ask you about that rather ornate Christmas tree behind us…. but that’s an even better question!
Viktor’s Walking Stick: ‘Viktor–*cough!*–grip’s–*gasp*–too tight–*chokes*’
Rita: ‘That’s Right! I have completed all the necessary paperwork, and so I can now legally adopt you! Muahahahahaha! Oh, the stories I’ll print…’
Rita: Lend me your ears Champions! I have something to say that might interest you all.
Rita: I have discovered who R.A.B is!
Harry: Who is it?
Rita: It’s me! Rita, the Amazing Beetle!
Harry: Are you sure it’s not Rita the Annoying Beetle?!
Rita: Tell me something about your relatives, Harry, the Muggles you grew up with.
Harry: Well, my Aunt Petunia is obsessed with cleanliness, my cousin Dudley is a stupid fat bully, and my uncle Vernon tends to judge people from their car. By the way, what car do you have?
Rita: *Bewildered* A green Volkswagen Beetle…
-Bill the Greek
Rita Skeeter quickly put Demi Moore to shame…
Harry figured that only the fangirls could fully understand the complexity and ‘plausibility’ of the five-person love triangle ignited by the Goblet of Fire