Week of February 19, 2006
‘Man… I sure hope that this strange noise I’m foolishly investigating likes tea…’
Frank Bryce entered the mansion to find Pettigrew writhing and moaning on the rug.
Frank: ‘What part of ”SPOILERS FROM GOBLET OF FIRE–READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION” did you not understand, boy?!’
Eric Sykes: ‘Fifty one years as an actor, writer, and director; over 100 credits to my name; awarded the The Bernard Delfont Award For Outstanding Contribution To Showbusiness Award, and made a Commander of the Order of the British Empire in the 2005 Queen’s New Years Honours List for services to drama…. But all I’ll ever be remembered for is getting killed in the first 4 minutes of a Harry Potter movie….’
Frank: *Licks gums* Yup… I remember the first Maniacal March… good times, they was! I’m glad to be able to live to see them again… wait…. Why is there a light on in the Riddle’s House? Better go check…
Pinnochio: I’m a real boy! YAY!
Old man: Be quiet, Pinnochio! You know how much Voldemort likes to play with wooden dolls! When he finds out I used his wand to transform you, he’ll crucio us to Neverland and back!
Phinnocio: Wrong fairytale, Mother Goose…
Broadcaster: Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, the one – the only.. The Man Who Survived!
Caller: Is that supposed to be Harry Potter in his older years?
Broadcaster: No – not him the man who survived Dick Cheney’s quail hunt!
Old Man: *Mesmerized* ‘So… many…..scrolling… dots… can’t ….. look… away!’
Frank: ‘That darn Bode Miller! Why can’t he finish a bloody race?! I need a drink!’
Eighty-year-old Indiana Jones: ‘Is that a s-s-snake?!?’
Old man (Ron): *Muttering* A thousand hexes she could have used and it had to be THIS one. Bloody hell, it’s not like I was the first guy ever to forget Valentine’s Day…
Interviewer: So tell us, Mr Bryce, why did you take up work as a gardener?
Frank: I originally wanted be an actor – My big break was going to be portraying Emerson Spartz in the Nut-O-Gram video, but I was rejected at the last minute. Apparantly, I was just too ‘sexy’ for the part.
YAY! According to JKR’s site – The next book: Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!
—-‘You know you’re an obsessive caption contest competitor when…': a continuation based on last week’s inspired caption by J.Alexandra—-
6…You’re constantly referring to the ‘About Page’.
7…You start checking for winners at Midnight.
8…You’re fully aware 1,312 other contestants will probably have this same idea.
9…You’re typing this at 5:35 AM on a Sunday.
10..You call to order BBC America, because you have NO idea who this guy is.
Housekeeper: Hey, are you a movie star?
Voldemort: Why would you think that?
Housekeeper: Well, you’re in immediate need of plastic surgery, servants are waiting on you hand and foot, and you live in a house that’s bigger than you need it to be.
Ron: *From off-screen* – Er…’Mione, I think we need to find a new snogging place…
Frank: ‘Blasted kids… maybe I can get rid of them by pouring this water on their heads!’
Little Hangleton News:
Yesterday, Frank Bryce found out that the one-legged villian of GoF was not in fact Mad Eye Moody as previously reported, but rather Long John Silver!
People say it’s rare to see Kiss without their make-up. Well, how many of you have seen Dumbledore without his beard?!
Frank: *Gasp* ‘You mean they sell horcruxes at Cracker Barrel?’
Teenage girls around the world are devestated to see this computer-generated picture of 86 year old Daniel Radcliffe.
Frank: *Singing* ‘Catch a falling star and put it in your teapot, save it for a rainy daayy…’
‘All set… When I hear one of those blasted kids coming up to do that ”ding-dong ditch” thingy tonight, I’ll burn his face off!’
Enough with the shipping jokes! The old man and the tea-kettle are just FRIENDS!
‘Eh, what’s that? … Oh, it’s Spider Man signing up for Maniacal March again. Time for another round of tight suit captions…’
*Someone offstage, in a cold voice, singing to the tune of ‘Lord of the Dance’ hymn*
”Tea! Tea! Come ‘ave a drink wit’ me!
I am the Lord of the Death Eaters, me!
Come peek and take a ‘spell’,
the Killing Curse works well……..!
Come , Muggle man , and pay your spying fee!”
Frank Bryce: ‘There’s something just not right about that….’
Picture (in background): *Jumps to another nail on the wall*
Frank: *Turns around, startled at the noise.*
Picture: *Stays, frozen*
Frank: *Sees nothing; turns back around*
Picture: *Jumps, yet again*
Frank: *Turns around AGAIN*
Picture: *Thinking* I LOVE this game!
Teapot: ‘They only think i have tea in here, but NO! I really have Diet Snapple Ice Tea! Fooled ya, didn’t I?!’
by the United Kindgom
Frank Bryce, 72, aka ‘The Dangerous, Batty Garderner’. He usually can be found around garden shows and tea festivals. He has been charged with the most unworthy crime:
Being unprepared for
Call (555)555-MMAR with any information. Thank you and have a nice day. And enjoy your Maniacal March.
This is Andrew when he’s 81 years old, trying frantically to edit Mugglecast Episode 238 before the sun comes up to get it out on time for the eager fans.
Frank: ‘What do you mean you don’t listen to MuggleCast? get out of my house right now!’