Week of December 24, 2006
Quirrell: ‘Hidden in my turban? Heh! You young people have such vivid imaginations…’
Reporter: And what was it like having Lord Voldemort on the back of your head?
Quirrell: Erm… It was fine, really… I mean, sometimes it could get a bit awkward taking a shower or going to the loo and stuff, but apart from that, fine, yeah. We just laughed over it all, it makes the situations lighter, you know, to be able to laugh about it. But we have fond memories together, that’s for sure…
Quirrell: Harry! Just the man I wanted to see! You believe that I got rid of that zombie for that African prince, don’t you?
Harry: Uh… oh yeah! Of course I do!
Voldemort: He lies… he lies…
Harry: Professor? Have you ever wondered what the back of your head looks like?
Quirrell: Oh – yes, well… about that…
Hagrid: Now, here’s Professor Quirrell. He’ll be one of your teachers at Hogwarts.
Quirrell: H-h-hi. I’m a perfectly ordinary man who doesn’t have the face of You-Know-Who on the back of my head and won’t try to kill you at the end of the year to serve my evil master.
Harry: *Turns to Hagrid* Can I go back to the Dursleys now?
Harry: *Thinking* Why does this guy’s smile seem forced?
Guy in Back of Quirrell’s Head: *Thinking* must… kill… boy…
Harry: Professor, what’s under your turban?
Quirrell: Oh, nothing. Just the essence of You-Know-Who…
Harry: Er… Sorry?
Quirrell: I said… some bottles of good shampoo! You never know when you may run out of quality shampoo these days!
Quirrell: And welcome, Harry, to People With Strange Reflexes Anonymous! I’m *eye twitch* Professor Quirinius *eye twitch* Quirrell.
Crouch, Jr.: (Offscreen) And I’m *tongue slurp* Bartemius Crouch, *tongue slurp* Jr. So what’s your strange *tongue slurp* reflex?
Harry: WELL, I, er, OCCASIONALLY just SOMETIMES go into CAPS LOCK!
Quirrell: *Thinking* Oh… to have hair again would be a LOVELY Christmas present…
Harry: *Mocking* nice turban…
Voldemort: *Thinking* Well, I wanted to get the cowboy hat but, noooo, we had to get the turban because it was more ‘interesting…’
Harry: What was that?
Harry: I thought I heard a snicker come from your turban after you said you were a well-educated, competent teacher.
Quirrell: Oh, uh, you must have been hearing things, Potter. Now, I’m very skilled at fighting the Dark Forces.
Quirrell: Stop that!
Quirrell: *Innocently* nothing…?
Harry: Are you a Deathly Hallow, by any chance?
Quirrell: I don’t know… Ms. Rowling hasn’t consulted me on anything since 1997!
Quirrell: Master, I don’t believe it! It’s–it’s Harry Potter!
Voldemort: If you intend to see Harry Potter and be alive when you do so, do exactly as I say: your left arm is useless, hanging lifeless at your side. Left foot turned inward. Lean on the can! Drool… now growl! Louder! Why aren’t you growling, fool?
Quirrell: H-ha-harry P-potter. Can’t tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you. *Smiles earnestly*
Voldemort: *Pouts* Fine, do it your way…
Harry: I think I’ve seen you pick up small boys on CNN.
Quirrell: *Smiles and winks* If you want me to have been on CNN.
Quirrell: Well, aren’t you a fine-looking boy… *weird look*
Quirrell: Did I stutter? *Winks*
Quirrell: ‘Such a pleasure to see you, Harry! Glad you decided to join the Two-Headed Group… the turbans cost, of course, but free postage and packaging!’
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Twitch
Quirrell: Ah, M-Mr P-P-Potter! H-How very n-nice it is t-to s-see you…
Harry: Quiet! Don’t you realize that the title of the SEVENTH book has been released? We’re only on the first! Quick, take of your turban, I’ll finish you now so we can get a move on!
Quirrell: Romilda Vane was right about you, Harry.
Harry: Er, what?
Quirrell: She told me you have a Hungarian Horntail tattoo on your chest. Yes, I can see it now.
Harry: But, Professor, I’m wearing a shirt.
Quirrell: When a man is living in the back of your head, you can do many things, Harry.
‘Oh, ye-yes, it is rather stylish, isn’t it? All the ra-rage in India.’
Harry: ‘Erm… thank you for the frankincense, but Bethlehem is that way… —>’
Harry: You are smiling creepy.
Quirrell: The seventh book is called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Harry: Does that mean I will die?
Quirrell: Why do you think I am smiling?
-Carolyn and Julia
Quirrell: How s-splendid to m-meet you, Mr. P-Potter.
Harry: It’s H-Potter, actually…
Uncle Vernon: ‘When I was out buying myself a donut today, the ruddy salesman kept stuttering all the time. So I slapped him in the face and that knocked the stuttering right out of him, that did! Best way to treat those people, I’ll tell you that, Petunia!’
Quirrell: I’m P-professor Quirrell f-from Hogwarts S-school of W-witchcraft and Wizardry.
Harry: *Slaps Quirrell*
Tom the Bartender: *Thinking* What now?
Harry: ‘You’re right, Professor! You do a great Kermit the Frog impression!’
Harry: So, you pretty much work for the guy that killed my parents?
Quirrell: C-c-c-orrect, Mr. P-p-p-otter.
Harry: And what do you expect us to do? Make up like a Tide commercial?!
Sirius: *in the background* My name is Sirius! And I’m delirious!
Harry: My name is Harry! And I’m a strawberry!
Quirrell: My name is Quirrell! And I’m a squirrell!
Harry: Hey, this is really fun!
-Christina and Jorene
Harry Potter meets ‘The Turbanator.’
-Queen of Hearts
Harry: ‘Strange. You looked taller on MySpace…’
Harry’s extreme teenage acne resulted in curious looks from Keepers of Keys and turbaned professors, therefore he begged MuggleNet to conceal his face on their website.
Quirrell: H-H-Harry P-Potter!
Director: *Off-stage* Stop stop STOP!!! What’s with the deranged, EVIL facial expressions?! They’re sending EVIL subliminal messages to our nation’s innocent, wholesome youth! And what’s with the turban? Take it off!
Sound Guy: *Off-stage* It’s necessary to the plot, sir. It covers Voldemort’s face.
Director: His EVIL face?! What’s it doing there?
Sound Guy: He wasn’t strong enough for his own body, so he’s using Quirrell’s. It’s all in the book, sir.
Director: You mean EVIL possession? By the EVIL Lord Voldemort? In that EVIL book? Why are you reading that anyway? Gimme the script!
Sound Guy: *To Light Guy* What’s going on?
Light Guy: Laura Mallory bought Warner Bros…
Harry: What’s that on your head, Professor?
Quirrell: My latest invention, Harry. See, teachers of magic make even less than Muggle ones, so I have to moonlight… it’s called a Tipsy Turban. New Year’s Eve is coming up, you know… and this little beauty hides an ice pack for your head!
Quirrell: No my stutter isn’t fake!
Harry: Then where did it just go…?
-Roonil and the Wazlibs
*Thinking* Yes, Master… I know… boiled in cream sauce…
Hagrid: Harry, this is Professor Quirrell. He’s your new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher!
Quirrell: V-very fa-fascinat-ting, y-ye-
Quirrell: Oh shush up! You’d be stuttering too if you wore this turban and had to make it through airport security!
–In extension of Dyia’s caption–
Harry: …. …. …….