Week of February 11, 2007
Ron: Are you just a head?
Nick: No, but right now I am separated from my body. I stuck it in a turkey to soften it up. *Looks in turkey* Where’d it go?
Ron: Harry, didn’t you just have some turkey?
NicK: I hope you know that ghost bodies are poisonous.
Harry: *Falls off chair*
Nick: See, I can go through the table! Isn’t it amazing?
Hermione: Yeah… Say, Sir Nicholas, could you go under the table and see who’s poking me?
Ron: *Readjusts himself*
Hermione: Never mind, they stopped…
Voldemort: *Appears in middle of Great Hall* I will kill Harry Potter!
Sir Nicholas: *Stands in front of Harry* Now wait one minute! if you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to go through me first!
Voldemort: *Walks through Nick*
Sir Nicholas: …oh…
‘No, I am not Nearly Headless Nick! I am his half-brother, Nearly Bodiless Bernard!’
Ron: I can feel the fat blocking my veins already…
NicK: Oh, boo hoo! *With girlish voice* ‘I’m Ron! Poor me, I can eat food and get fat like a normal person! I’m going to complain about it all day! Please, feel sorry for meeee!’
Ron: … I… I’m…
Harry: Like you didn’t see that coming…
George: So… why are you in the chicken?
Sir Nicholas: Well, it all started when this one student asked me to find out which came first – the chicken… or the EGG?!
Ron: Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?
Ron: Okay, everyone, it’s safe. This one’s NOT an Inferius!
Sir Nick: MMMM! Steaming weenies! I love ’em!
Harry: *Shocked* Mother pus Bucket!
Percy: *Annoyed* Back off, man… I’m a Prefect…
George: Sir Nearly Headless Nick… good evening. As a duly designated representative of the House of Gryffindor, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return fortwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Ron: That ought to do it, thanks very much, George…
Percy: Hello, Sir Nicholas.
Sir Nicholas: Well hello, Percy!
Ron: DUDE! I was going to eat that! Hey, wait, you’re Nearly-Headless Nick!
Hermione: Nearly Headless? Now can you be Nearly Headless?!
Sir Nicholas: Well, give me a knife and I’ll show you…
Nick: ‘Whaddaya mean you like eating something more substantial?!’
Nick: Come on in, the table’s great!
Ron: Uh… we’re not dead.
Nick: Excuses, excuses…
Nick: ‘Wow, look! I popped up in just the right place! All the lead characters sitting together, how terribly convenient!’
Nearly-Headless Nick: *Angrily* ‘I prefer the term ”imprint of a departed soul,” you twit! Were you born in a bin?!’
NicK: Fred, you lose! Ron, Harry, you’re the only two left; keep that juice in your mouths!
Nick: And so, young Gryffindors, if you have any questions – any questions at all – just come to me!
Harry: Yeah, I was just wondering… why do some people become ghosts–
Nick: GOTTA GO! *Disappears*
Harry: OMG, a talking head.
Sir Nick: No, it’s quite all right – I’m a friendly ghost!
Ron: *Looks up from the chicken* HOLY SMOKES! A TALKING HEAD!
Sir Nick: They don’t learn, do they?
Percy: I call the eyes!
Ron: Nearly headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Nick: Never cheat on a demented astronaut woman.
George: Nick! Why don’t you take a bite? *Laughs*
NicK: …Just for that, I’m going to steal all of your cone hats, so you can’t wear them in any of the later movies.
Ron: Right… Like that’s going to happen!
Ron: Who are you?
Nick: I’m the Ghost of You-and-Your-New-Friend-Harry-Don’t-Have-Your-Hats-and-You’re-Making-the-Entire-Gryffindor-House-Look-Like-a-Bunch-of-Idiots.
Ron: Wow. Hey, Harry, we have our own ghost!
We are now translating the British words in the Harry Potter movies to American gangster slang:
Harry: Yo, homedog!
Ron: What, homeboy!
Harry: Who the hizzle is this and what is he doing getting up into our grill?
Ron: That’s Sir Nicholas, our Ghost Homedog.
Sir Nicholas: What’s up my Gryffindor homies?
Harry: I thought we were having headless duck, NOT headless-nick?!
Nicholas: That’s ‘nearly’ to you!
Nick: You have set me free from my drumstick. Now I will grant you three wishes!
Ron: Hmmmm, I dunnno. How about a cauldron of felix felicis, a billion galleons and you getting out of my dinner!
Nick: ‘What were you expecting — a head of lettuce?!’
Fred: Hey, I know you! You’re an extra decapitated head from Sleepy Hollow!
Sir Nicholas: No I’m not! And if I were, what would I be doing on this table?!
Fred: *Laughing* I don’t know!
Harry: *Slightly disturbed*
Harry: Is that Chicken Parmesian?
Ron: No… Chicken Porpington.
Percy: ‘What a pretty table arrangement!’
American audiences of Harry Potter books and movies continued to become estranged by unfamiliarity with British Foods as ‘Hollowed Head with Horseradish’ was added to the list. Said one 16-year-old teen in the US: ”First Treacle Tarts and now this!?”
Dumbledore: ‘And our next course is comprised of Completely Headless Nick. Though there’s not much taste, it does wonders for the digestive system, guaranteed to pass right through you!’
Ron: Umm… Sir Nicholas? You have something hanging from your nose, Sir…
Nicholas: Darn! I should have looked into the mirror before I was executed…
Fred: ‘Oy, Ron, be a dear and pass the John Cleee, would you?’
Harry: Ron, this fork is dirty!
*A 20-ton weight falls on George and/or Fred*
John Cleese: *Appearing in the middle of the table* And now for something completely different!
Ron: Look, it’s John Cleese!
Sir Nicholas: I prefer Sir Nicholas De Mimsy Porpington, if you don’t mind.
Sir Nicholas: Because, if I go by John Cleese then I will be associated with Monty Python and all of the recent captions involving them. By the way, are you a Weasley?
Ron: I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition…
Sir Nicholas: *In a high-pitched voice with a Spanish accent* No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Nick: I, Sir Nicholas De Mimsy Porpington, have a grave announcement to make. I can now say ‘I am dead’ in three different languages –
I am dead.
Je suis mort.
*People at table clap*
Whilst Ron dominated the dinnertime conversation, Sir Nicholas made sure he was at the head of the table.
Nick: Yes, I AM quite aware that my body is missing, but don’t worry. The exploding pudding has been robbed of most of its explosives this year!
Percy: Well, actually…
Taking ‘something for everyone’ to a whole new level.
Nearly-Headless Nick: Welcome to Gryffindor!
Percy: This is Nearly-Headless Nick, and we are the Nearly Brimless Students!
Ron: So what does that make us?
Percy: Totally Clueless First Years!
Ron: *Thinking* Great! Now there’s going to be ghost ooze on the ho ho’s!