Week of May 13, 2007
Voldemort: ‘Darn it! I forgot my glasses. Now everyone will know it’s me. I’m gonna kill Wormtail for suggesting this disguise; he knows how I detest leather!’
Trinity: Morpheus, take off that Lord Voldemort mask.
Morpheus: But -
Morpheus: *Throws down mask, kicks Trinity in the shin and leaves*
Neo: You know, I’ve never really liked him.
Voldemort: Does this jacket make me look like a turtle?
Neo: No, no, that would be your lack of hair…
Laurence Fishburne on the new episode of Meth Home Makeover.
Voldemort: ‘Hmm… Maybe I should introduce tight leather catsuits as compulsory uniforms for my female Death Eaters… I might get a lot more guys signing up…’
Neo: I am ‘The One.’
Voldemort: No you’re not, Potter is. And if I hadn’t taken that dratted red pill, I could be Avada Kedavr’ing him right now!
Voldemort: ‘I KNOW I’d look cooler with shades, but how to wear them?’
Harry: ‘WHOA… Felix Felicis does work… it worked on me and Hermione – but I don’t think that it works on red-haired people, Ron…’
Voldemort: Help me kill Harry Potter, and I will help you rage against the machine – or whatever it is you kids do these days.
Voldemort: Hey, Neo…
Voldemort: What do you call a hamster from The Matrix?
Voldemort: A NEO PET!
After You-Know-Who’s mysterious disappearance a few years ago, he has resurfaced now, and we at the Quill have the exclusive interview where he tells all about it!
Voldemort: ‘…you see, and I searched for the answer to that question everywhere. But they just seemed to be out of reach for me. I tried everything, even became what you would call an ”evil overlord” for a while. Until I realized that this would not answer my questions, either. So I looked elsewhere and found my answers. None of this is real. The magical world is simply a computer simulation, a layer of the Matrix. I was freed from it, nad have since found my purpose. Now, the only thing I regret is that I am the only one fighting against the system who cannot wear cool sunglasses – since I no longer have a nose…’
Voldemort: ‘You will choose – everything.’
Voldemort: ‘Accio Kung Fu moves!’
Trinity: Most people haven’t realized it, but Harry Potter actually has a lot in common with The Matrix…
Neo: Are you referring to the fact that there are Chosen Ones and self-fulfilling prophecies in both series?
Voldemort: Or, perhaps, to the hidden-to-the-general-public worlds that exist in both, initially including the Chosen Ones themselves?
Neo: Or maybe to the supernatural powers that play an important part to the films, including bizarre educational methods?
Voldemort: Or to the common plot elements of unconventional guerrilla wars, clandestine resistance groups, hated traitors, and prominent physical disfigurements?
Neo: Or to the predominance of trios in both sagas, two whom fall in love with each other?
Voldemort: Or to the general underlying themes of Good vs. Evil and the importance of choice and Free Will?
Trinity: A-actually, I was just referring to Neo’s wizard-like cloak and Morpheus/Voldemort’s dragon-skin coat…
-The Duke of Waltham
Neo: ‘Pssst, Trinity… who switched Morpheus to decaf?’
One of these guys is not like the other… One of these guys doesn’t belong… Can you tell which guy is not like the others, before we finish our joyful song?
Voldemort: ‘So let me get this straight. If I choose the red tablet, my nose will grow back?’
Neo: *Concentrating* There is no spoon…
Trinity: Apparently, there is no nose either.
Both: *Burst into laughter*
Voldemort: SHUT UP!
A blind priest, a dominatrix, and a burn victim walk into a bar…
In a world of 1s and 0s… are you a zero, The One, or the Dark Lord?
Neo: You look great in green. You should wear it every day.
Voldemort: Why thank you, Neo, now I won’t have to kill you. At least not yet.