Week of May 20, 2007
Harry: *Eagerly* Are those the new girls’ uniforms?!
Jack: We have a special delivery from Lord Voldemort to Harry Potter.
Harry: That’s me.
Blonde Woman: It was sent by charge, please pay 20 Galleons.
Harry: Here you go. *Pays*
Red-Haired Woman: Thank you, sir. Here is your special delivery.
Both Women: *Slap Harry*
Harry: Ginny! Hermione?! What kind of cruise did you go on?!
Harry: I have the looks, the charm, I’m the Chosen One, I’ve defeated the Dark Lord several times… what is it about him that all the girls like? It’s not fair!
Jack Sparrow: It’s all in the hat, Harry, it’s all in the hat!
Harry: I have a wizard’s hat, if that helps..
Jack: ‘Rrright, ladies! Now, let’s go through the plan again, so… we appear inconspicuous, silent and aloof! We get Lockhart’s signature and we scram! Got that? We scccrrram! We don’t want to be seen in a bookshop when we ought to be aplundering and adrinkin’! Arrr!’
Captain Sparrow: Hey, you! You’re from Hogwarts, right?
Harry: Yes, why?
Captain Sparrow: Be sure to tell everyone there that releasing the giant squid into the sea was not a good idea…
The Battle of Summer Blockbusters Begins:
Harry: Oh, it’s ON.
Andrew: *In disguise as Jack Sparrow* Could I interest you ladies in a FREE PicklePack membership…?
Harry: *Mumbling* Darn pirate… stealing my last DA members away… grr!
Jack: ‘You need to get yourself a girl, mate.’
Jack: A wizard, eh? Tell you what, mate, I’ve changed my mind. If you make me a rum bottle that’ll never go empty, I’ll swear on pain of temperance, I shall take you to the Dark Lord – *looks at his small cup of rum* – And I’ll even give you a bony lass, savvy? *Smiles and pushes Scarlett into Harry’s arms*
Jack: Like them red-haired, don’t you, lad?
Harry: Jack, how do you do it?
Jack: Lots of rum, and lots of promises…
Jack: Your cell phone bill is what’s up. All this texting!
Harry: OMG, INBD!
Jack: It is a big deal! Who are you texting fifty times a day?
Harry: IDK my BFF Scarlett…
Jack: Scarlett, is this true?
Scarlett: *Slaps Harry*
Jack: We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Harry: But I bet even you couldn’t portkey a boot.
Jack: Maraud and embezzle and even high-jack.
Harry: My dad did as much – so did Sirius Black.
Girls: Drink up me hearties, yo ho!
Jack: We’re beggers and blighters and ne’er do-well cads.
Harry: You sound like a house full of Slytherin lads.
Girls: Who take after all of their Slytherin dads.
Jack & Harry: Yo ho, yo ho, a wizard’s life for me!
Harry gets jealous the day before the Yule Ball.
Harry: Why is Jack so good with the ladies? I’m the Chosen One!
Jack: Ah, quiet, Potter. It’s just that I’m hotter than you.
Daniel Radcliffe: *Getting out of character* TAKE THAT BACK!!!
Jack: Do you mind?
Harry: Oh, sorry. *Turns head away*
Jack: The power of love! Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place!
Harry: Uh, Jack? That’s not love. It’s inebriation.
Jack: See, Harry, it’s the open chest that gets the ladies, not turtlenecks…
Cpt. Jack Sparrow: And this is how you get gorgeous ladies to fawn on you. Savvy?
Harry: Yeah, I’ve got it.
Percy: How come the celebrities always share their secrets with him?
Harry Potter and Jack Sparrow compete for Ginny Weasley’s heart…
Jack: I’m a pirate, Ginny!
Harry: But I’m a wizard!
Jack: I can take you on the Black Pearl and look at the sea with you!
Harry: Well, I can take you on my Firebolt and look at the Black Lake with you… we can watch the giant squid!
Jack: We can look at the Kraken!
Harry: Don’t you remember that I saved you from Voldemort?!
Jack: Well, I would’ve, too…
Harry: My life is full of adventure!
Jack: So is mine!
Ginny: *To herself* Hmm… how do I decide? I know! I’ll pick the one with the best hair! *Runs off with Jack*
Harry: Not again! Stupid haircut!
Jack: *To Harry* Do YOU know where the rum is?
Harry: Uh, we don’t really drink rum, but there’s firewhiskey…
Jack: Lead on!
*Jack and Harry stared at each other, Jack considering if he could get Harry to take one of the slaps he was about to get, and Harry wondering why Jack hadn’t been slapped yet.*
Jack: Goodness, mate, you’re the spitting image of your father.
Harry: …I have my mother’s eyes.
Harry: ‘I wish they’d stop advertising movies in bookstores. These cardboard cutouts are getting confusing… At least in the Muggle World they don’t move…’
Harry: OMG, IT’S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!
Jack: Actually, I go by ‘Da Jackstah’ now that I’ve made a debut album to be sold here in Flourish and Blotts.
Harry: Oh… OMG, IT’S DA JACKSTAH!
Blonde: Do you think our dresses are too low-cut?
Redhead: You can’t go wrong with low-cut dresses!
Blonde: But still, too much of a good thing…
Harry: No one’s listening to me, are they?
Jack: Did I hear something?
Sparrow: ‘BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!… *Girls come* Awfully handy spell, dear Harry…’
Jack: ‘It takes more than simply fame to get the ladies, Potter… you’ve got to bring sexy back from the depths.’
Harry: ‘Sirius? …Mrs. Weasley? …Luna’s Mom?!’
Harry: Ginny! Luna! Why are you fawning over Jack Sparrow! You’re supposed to be fawning over my chest and abs as displayed in Equus (copyright, disclaimer…)
Jack: Get over it, Potter. My dreadlocks are so much sexier than your parsley-mouth anyway.
Harry: It’s parseltongue!