Week of July 16, 2007
Student: Professor, where do babies come from?
At this moment, Snape swears he will get revenge on Dumbledore for laughing at his dream of becoming a famous bartender…
*Harry’s Detention with Snape*
Snape: And, as you can see, this all-new tupperware potion set is reliant, durable, and has a life-time guarantee. We have a volunteer today who will crack the bottles on his head and show how wonderful this product stays put in worst-case scenarios.
Harry: *Thinking* I really shouldn’t have let Fred and George convince me to give Snape a Shopping Network Sugar! Now my detention is on WWE!
‘They said it could never be done… alas. Due to my mastery of Potions and several years of self-experimentation, I have successfully created the wizard alternative to that muggle sensation ‘Botox.’ Such an accomplishment brings me great joy. Wooo.’
Snape: ‘So… let me get this straight. You gave her three doses of love potion, and you took a full 24-hours of Felix Felicis… and you’re now wondering why you are expecting a child?’
Announcer: ‘Get your Severus Snape plush doll today! The Severus Snape plush doll scowls, grunts, screams, disses Harry Potter, and makes people hate it! When you order the Severus Snape plush doll toy today, we’ll send you a FREE 8-ounce bottle of grease! Grease that hair up! A $20 value, yours FREE!’
Severus Snape, winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Debated Sneer Award for three years running.
‘Is that apple juice? Oh my goodness… *Smiles for the first time in years* It IS apple juice!’
Snape: *Looking innocent* ‘Why, of course not, Albus. I would never throw heavy glass objects at Harry’s head… why do you ask?’
Snape: ‘Who is the idiot that casted the Generica spell on my potions jars? Now they look like they were bought from Wal-Mart!’
‘And I call this… Blue Steel!’
Snape: *Looking at bottles* My prized bottle of vodka! It’s gone! Umbridge must have used it instead of Veritaserum! That means that a student must be…
Student: *Walks in looking dazed* Umbridge… *hiccup* said *hic* something was *hic* wrong with the *hic* tea she gave me, *hic* and she wanted *hic* to see you! *Hic*
‘Drat, I miscalculated! It’s been nine weeks – not ten weeks – and now I’ve gone and washed my hair!’
Snape is about to make a potion when he sees that Harry is waiting outside with a ‘Pre-Order DH’ wristband and his Hermione costume on.
Snape: ‘POTTER! This is NOT BORDERS!’
‘OK, this is what happens when you don’t check the expiration dates on potion bottles. Weasley, come up here and I will cure you.’
It was then that Severus Snape noticed the video cameras, and subsequently came to the realization that he had, in fact, been Punk’d.
Snape: ‘Stop it, Severus! Remember your A.A. promise! Resist!‘
Fangirls: *Giggling* Hehehehehehe!
Fangirls: *Giggling* Hehehe… I can’t believe Lily called you SEV… hehehee…
Photographer: ‘Now hate me, Snape! Hate me! Vonderful. Now give me de pouty look! Yes, yes! Pout at me, Snape! Vonderful! You never do this for me before! Pout! Pout! Give me de lip action! Yes! Pooch de lips!’
Snape: I loved your mother.
Snape: …Actually, I’m surprised as you are.
Harry: You also die.
Snape: Wait, what?
Severus Snape: *Whispering to Rita Skeeter* ‘Frankly I’m still shocked, even after all these years, that my collection of pickled animals and dungeon distillery failed to win over Lily Evans…’
Snape: How DARE you take my picture! 50 points from MuggleNet!
Snape: ‘I will have you know, Potter, that just because I die and you live in Book Seven does NOT mean that you can’t be impertinent to me.’
Snape: I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death…
Harry: That’s all well and good, but I bet you can’t put a fruit pastel in your mouth without chewing it…
Snape: Ooh, ooh, and get this! If you fill each bottle with a different amount of potion, it makes a DIFFERENT ‘ting’ sound. *Gasp* My dream to be a musician realized! *Starts playing ‘I am Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera*