Week of July 31, 2007
Lucius: ‘Why am I holding the prophecy? I never even touched it in the book…’
‘…and Malfoy’s getting ready for the next batter, Potter… he gives a look to Weasley at first, who’s got a reallly big lead, almost daring Malfoy to pick him off. Of course, catcher Bellatrix has been sensational at nailing runners this season since being traded from Azkaban… and here comes the look by Malfoy… the wind-up, and here comes the pitch…!’
Prophecy: ‘…and it shall rain next Saturday.’
Lucius: Oh no, I think we grabbed the wrong one!
Prophecy: ‘…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not – the power to sell tons and tons of merchandise…’
Lucius: ‘That’s – strange… according to this prophecy, there’s going to be loads of fog tonight.’
Lucius: *Looks into the crystal ball to see the future* My grandson’s named WHAT?! Who names their kid Scorpius, that’s just mean?!
Draco: Like you’re one to talk!
Lucius: *Shrugs and nods admittingly*
Lucius: ‘And now, Potter, I have the – why, hello there, you gorgeous thing… who might you be? *Gasp!* Why, it’s me!’
‘I choose you – Pikachu!’
Lucius: Oh, great and magical orb, what is my destiny?
Orb: *Narcissa’s voice* I don’t know, but it sure ain’t leather!
Lucius Malfoy: *Thinks to self* I should not have just taken that Bruce Willis Polyjuice Potion…
Director: Oi! Now we’ll have to call the movie ‘Live Free or Die Trying to Vanquish the Dark Lord While Everyone Else Pretends He Hasn’t Come Back.’
J.K. Rowling: …
Baseball Announcer: ‘Annnd Lucius Malfoy winds up for the pitch! Boy, does this team of Death Eaters need a comeback! Down 7-0 in the bottom of the ninth inning! Hasn’t been a great season for them so far. Stuck in dead last, as usual, caused by the drastic defeats by the Phoenixes who, by the way, have the bases loaded! Oh, and Black has just punched Malfoy in the face! Wow, folks, noone saw that coming! And the ball shatters into pieces? Now it looks like Potter and the other Junior Phoenixes are making a run for it! Clearly, there is something going on here that we don’t know about!’
Lucius: ‘Pikachu, I choose you! *A minute later* Why so blue, Pikachu? Where are you?’
Lucius: ‘Well, it’s not an iPhone like the Dark Lord REALLY wanted, but I think it will suffice…’
Lucius: Will the Dark Lord punish me by forcing my son on an impossible mission? *Shakes Prophecy*
Bellatrix: Idiot, it’s not that kind of Prophecy!
Lucius: I wonder how angry the Dark Lord will be if I drop this… *Splitting crack, the prophecy is screaming aloud* ‘Oops! Better blame this one on Bella… I’ll say she tried to lick it or, something…’
Lucius: ‘Don’t you just love these new Apple iProphets?’
Harry: Malfoy… Why are you glaring at the prophecy?
Malfoy: Wh-huh? Oh… because the Dark Lord wouldn’t tell me what it says!
Harry: *In baby mimicking voice* Is Big ol’ Death Eater Malfoy mad that Voldy doesn’t share ‘is secrets with him?
Lucius: *Holds the Holy Hand Grenade* 1, 2, 5…
Bellatrix: Three, sir!
Lucius: Three! *Throws hand grenade*
Lucius: And this week’s lottery numbers are…!
Lucius: Alas, poor Yaxley! I knew him, Horatio…
Some Hamlet Director: No, no, no! I keep telling you, it’s Yorick, NOT Yaxley!
Lucius: I can’t work under these conditions! *Points wand at director* AVADA KEDAVRA!
Lucius: To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler to join the Darkest of Lords, ridding thou’s world of mudbloods and scum, or to protect the Boy Who Lives, for the sake of mine son dearest…
Draco: *Off-screen* Dad, stop foreshadowing!
Lucius: *Looks into the crystal ball* What?! Draco names his child ‘Scorpius’?!
Harry: Don’t complain, I name one of my kids ‘Albus Severus…’
Lucius: ‘With my new magical ball, England shall never lose to Australia in cricket ever again!’
Malfoy: ‘Yeess, it will be misty tonight, with scattered rain later. Don’t leave home without your mask and cloak…’
Lucius: At last, the prophecy! Now… what is the connection between Harry Potter and the Dark Lord?!
Prophecy: Reply hazy… try again later.
Lucius: *To self* This is my last hope against Potter… POKEBALL GO!
20 Questions: Is it a… peacock?!
Lucius: Darn! This thing gets me every time!
Malfoy: This little light of mine… I’m gonna let it shine!
Harry: Good Confundus Charm, Hermione!
Prophecy, Prophecy, in my hand…
Why was I born sans pituitary gland?
Malfoy: *To prophecy* It is down to you, and it is down to me.
Prophecy: You have beautiful hair, Malfoy…
Malfoy: Don’t play flattery with me – I do use Suave volumizer though, isn’t it nice? I put a dab on my finger and lather it…
Prophecy: *Runs away*
‘I see… I seee… I see me! Oooh, and I am so handsome, yes, and there is Voldemort doing my bidding yes – cower like a dog, Voldemort! Teach you to reprimand me!’
Lucius: ‘What do you mean I can’t wish for a million wishes? Who makes up these rules, anyway?!’
Harry: Accio acting talent!
Lucius: ‘It’s simply magical. All I did was shake it, and it started snowing!’
Even Death Eater Lucius Malfoy cannot defeat the great 20Q Ball…
Prophecy: You will be sent to Azkaban, where Dementors will suck out your happiness and your hair will lose its luster and volume.
Malfoy: HA! Like THAT could ever happen. Wait a second… my hair? NOOO!!!
Lucius Malfoy – World Yo-Yo Champion.
Lucius: ‘I wonder if Narcissa will care if I put this up on the mantle. Its color will just blend beautifully with the living area!’
Lucius: ‘…where’s the ON button?’
Eventually, Lucius dumped the wifey and set out on his own. Overjoyed with his new-found freedom, he bought all-leather robes, pimped out his Firebolt, and insisted that people call him ‘Big Daddy.’
Lucius: ‘Hmm… Now, would Narcissa enjoy a snowglobe from the Department of Mysteries – or a T-Shirt?’
Lucius: *Thinking* ‘You know, this would be a great pose for my action figure…’
Lucius: ‘Are you the three Kryptonian outlaws imprisoned in crystal in Super-Man II? Excellent! Now, what is your opinion on blood purity? How about torture curses?’
Lucius was less than pleased when, in return for lending him his wand and allowing him the use of Malfoy Manor for months on end without paying a sickle of rent, the Dark Lord’s only token of thanks was a Snow Globe…
Malfoy: ‘It appears that Dumbledore has lost his marbles…’
Malfoy: ‘Hmm… I wonder if it bounces…’
Lucius Malfoy, an avid bird breeder, was delighted when he finally stumbled upon the egg of the elusive albino peacock.
Once the final battle with Voldemort was over and he no longer had to pretend to be a Death Eater, Lucius finally went on to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a Shakespearean actor.
Lucius: Granger! Do you think this would be a good gift for my wife?
Hermione: Ummm… wouldn’t she prefer something a bit more… evil?
Lucius: Oh, she just acts evil. Her side of the room looks like Umbridge’s office.
Lucius was very disappointed after reading in the crystal ball that he would never get the tickets to see Dementors on Ice…
Lucius: ‘Well, this bowling ball is smaller than I ordered…’
Lucius: ‘The power of the sun in the palm of my hand…’
Lucius: *Reads tag under Prophecy*
S.P.T. to T.M.R.a.k.a.L.V.
Lucius: ‘Merlin’s beard! This one is about me!’ *His hands tremble, and he drops the Prophecy. It smashes and Trelawney’s spectre emerges*
Prophecy: DO NOT ENTRUST LUCIUS MALFOY WITH PROPHECIES, FOR HE HAS A TENDENCY TO SMASH THEM…
-The Duke of Waltham
In 1235, Magpius Malfoy invented the Remembrall. Since then, all males of the line have been fascinated by small, glass spheres. Sadly, this has caused a number of embarassing incidents; pictured is Lucius Malfoy, who became so overjoyed at remembering his wig that he didn’t realize he was wearing a Muggle parka.
And it was at this moment that Lucius realized his true calling as a Christmas tree ornament designer.
Lucius: ‘I was right! The egg did come before the chicken!’
Lucius: ‘This is SPECIAL! I shall follow it and master it and teach EVERYONE who follows it magic things. I shall call the followers Indestructable Doombringers in Oversized Trousers! Otherwise known as IDIOT!’