Week of October 28, 2007
Voldemort: ‘Dumbledore is what?‘ *Gets hit with Avada Kedavra curse*
Voldemort: I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and –
Voldemort: I was going to say –
Voldemort: No… and besides I’m not bald. My hairline’s just receding a little.
Harry and Dumbledore: …
Voldemort: Harry Potter… you will lose everything!
Harry: *Stares at Voldemort’s bald head and nonexistant nose* Yeah… I’m sure you would know…
Voldemort: ‘What do you mean ”Dumbledore is gay”? Is that a death threat, Potter?’
Voldemort: ‘Hmm… interesting… I can’t see up past my protruding eyebrow ridges…’
‘Now, I want the brass section to come in strongly on the measure and strings, stay in tune… or suffer my displeasure.‘
Dumbledore: One, two, cha-cha-cha. One, two, cha-cha-cha…
Riddle: I still don’t understand how he can be so cheerful when we’re doing a dance of death…
-The Chimbly Chimbly Sweep
Voldemort: ‘What do you mean ”I’ve got your nose”?’
‘For my next trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience and an everyday object… like a locket – or a diary…’
Voldemort: ‘Thank you very much! I’m also available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and YOUR FUNERAL.’
Voldemort: Your life is drawing to a close, Harry Potter… your life will soon end! After I find my nose… I could have SWORN it was in my pocket!
Harry: Voldemort has no nose!
D.A.: How does he smell?
Dumbledore was right – a fate worse than death:
Voldemort: *Working as a Ministry of Magic tour guide* Now, children, you will be able to see yet another sculpture made in honour of our great Minister. Any questions?
Albus Severus: Hey, mister! Is it true that my dad beat you up when he was only 17?
Scorpius: *Takes pictures with flash photography*
Neville: Scorpius! The tour guide has told you a thousand times! No flash photography! Sorry, Tom…
Harry: *Walking by on Auror business* Why hello, Tom! Neville! Albus Severus! Kids!
Hermione: *Runs towards the group* Tom! TOM! I have decided I will find out the cure for male baldness and I want you to know, the prejudice that the world has for you is ending! I’ve started a group called B.A.R.F. (Balds Are Really Friendly) and –
Voldemort: Oh, Merlin… just kill me now…
Director of HBP: Mr. Voldemort, I am sorry to tell you that you have been cut from this movie.
Voldemort: *Whimpering* B-but w-why?
Director: Well, we can’t afford to have such a diva in this movie. Your customized spring water costs more than the entire set. Your replacement will be Orlando Bloom.
Voldemort: Why? He looks nothing like me…
Director: Because his spring water only costs $2 per bottle. Plus, he has great hair.
Trio: *Destroy the Horcruxes*
Voldemort: Oh no you didn’t!
Voldemort: ‘I’m so bald… This must be why I don’t have a girlfriend… Well, that and the whole killing people thing… but mostly the baldness.’
Once Dumbledore was dead, Voldemort decided to raid his closet.
Voldemort: ‘These clothes are fabulous!!!‘
Despite how realistic the painting looked, ‘The Volde-lisa’ never became a great painting.
Voldemort: Wormtail, why have you covered my bed in pink hearts?
Wormtail: We all thought you needed a little more love…
*TV turns on*
Jigsaw killer: ‘Hello, Tom. I want to play a game…’
‘I’m the reason the Dolphins are 0-8 MWAHAHA!’
Voldemort: ‘You can’t defeat me – I’m the turtle man!’
Woman: *Off-screen* Oh, what a cute little outfit! Here, have some candy.
Voldemort: You dare talk to me – ah, candy!
Voldemort: There is something you should know before we finish this.
Harry: And what is that?
Voldemort: I… am not left-handed! *Flips wand to other hand*
Another successful mission accomplished by the Order of the Phoenix…
‘We lure him into the salon, hit the smock with a permanent sticking charm, remove all his hair, and apparate out – thus leaving him bald and defenseless. Excellent!’
Cover Picture for Voldemort’s new album — My Soul is Broken
Dumbledore: *Steps out of fireplace* It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom. The Aurors are already on their way…
Voldemort: W-whadaya mean…? As in, like, right now?
Dumbledore: …Er, yes.
Voldemort: But – but I just got here!
Harry and Dumbledore: …
Harry: ‘So… do you smell with your tongue, or what?’
‘I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Yates…’
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, Voldemort has his own big confession!
Voldemort: ‘H-hi. I-i am Lord V-voldemort, and – and I like to spend bright and sunny afternoons watching Legally Blonde! Oh, I wish I had hair like hers!
Voldemort: *Thinking to himself* Since when do I wear dresses? Well, this sure doesn’t make me look macho… *sighs*
Dumbledore: *Thinking to himself* Since when does Voldemort wear dresses? Well, this definitely makes him look more macho! *giggles*
Voldemort: What do you mean I can’t get a refund?
Desk Manager: I’m sorry, sir, but you chose the plan without refund coverage.
Voldemort: How am I supposed to look in public with no hair and no nose?
Desk Manager: I don’t know, sir.
Voldemort: Fine. Avada Kedavra! *Nothing happens* …can I get my wand fixed?
Desk Manager: No, sir, you don’t have coverage for that, either.
–Based on Potter Puppet Pals: The Yule Ball by Neil Cicierega–
Voldemort: So, can I guess you kids know all about the Killing Curse?
Harry: *Off-screen* No. My parents died of old age. Of course I know about the Killing Curse!
Voldemort: Well, jeeze, ya don’t hafta shout!
Harry: Dude, what happened to your nose?
Voldemort: …I tickled a sleeping dragon…
Voldemort: Does this cloak look slimming on me?
Everyone Off-screen: …..
Voldemort: Come on! Tell me the truth! I pinky swear on my 1/7 of a soul I won’t use the Avada Kedavra curse!
Everyone Off-screen: …..
Voldemort: *Thinking* To redecorate, or not to redecorate, that is the question.
Dumbledore and Voldemort are locked in an intense head-to-head battle. Dumbledore vanishes behind a statue to compose himself before the big fight. He then emerges wearing a pink, fluffy, Glinda-like dress.
Voldemort: ‘You’re kidding, right?’