Week of August 10, 2008
Dumbledore: *Thinking* He did not just call me ‘Santa.’
Dumbledore: …and that, Tom Riddle, is why I am enrolling you in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Kid: That’s fascinating, sir, but my name is Walter, not Tom. If you’re looking for Tom Riddle, I believe he’s in the next room.
Dumbledore: …oh. *Walks out*
Tom: ‘I like your scarf, professor. It’s so… unnecessary.’
Dumbledore: Tom, what is that?
Tom: I told you… I can do all sorts of things when I get mad…
Dumbledore: But, why conjure Elmo?
Tom: I can speak to snakes, too. They find me, whisper things.
Dumbledore: Well, that’s all very good and well but I really must be off. Ta ta.
Dumbledore: *Thinking* Oh, crap! I just remembered – he’s going to think I’m the doctor! And then I’ll have to tell him that I’m NOT the doctor, and that I AM a wizard. UGH! Then he’s going to ask me to prove it… DARN him! Freaking kid! *sigh*
Tom Riddle: You’re the doctor, aren’t you?
Tom: …And I can speak to skunks.
Dumbledore: You can speak to skunks?
Tom: Yes, I can make them do my bidding.
Harry: *Watching the memory* Did you know, sir, then?
Dumbledore: Did I know he’d be the worst skunk breeder ever? That he’d raise his own skunk army and terrorize all skunk-haters? No.
Young Tom Ridde: Father Christmas?
Dumbledore: *Walks away quickly*
Tom: …and not only can I communicate with snakes, but I know how to smooth talk chicks, too!
Dumbledore: *Thinking* I can see we’re going to have to work hard with this one…
Tom: And I can speak to snakes, too.
Dumbledore: … *Shivers*
Tom: They find me… and tell me what questions to ask when playing Guess Who. Are you Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore?
Tom: I win.
Tom: I can talk to snakes, too. They find me and talk to me.
Dumbledore: I highly doubt that, Tom. Who would want to find and talk to you?
After a four-hour string of questions from Tom…
Dumbledore: *Muttering* ‘Silence is golden, Tom… but duct tape is silver…’
Tom: I can speak to snakes.
Tom: They find me. Whisper things.
Mrs. Cole: *Pops head in door* That’s nothing. He can hear pie.
Tom: I swear, I didn’t mean to!
Dumbledore: Didn’t mean to, what?
Tom: Blackmail WB into rescheduling the movie. It was the vampires! They made me! They found me, whispered things.
Dumbledore: Darn that Edward Cullen…
Tom: You know, once you leave, I’ll find you.
Tom: Myspace, Facebook, Xanga, Myyearbook, Twitter, YouTube, and Blogspot. *Cheeky grin*
Dumbledore: *To himself* Last time I try to be more technologically advanced than McGonagall…
Harry: Professor, did you know -?
Dumbledore: -That I had just met the darkest wiard of all time? Well, the Evanescence music should have tipped me off.
Young Voldemort: *Weeping* It’s like… my soul is crying out in these words!
Tom: Sir, do you know why my orphanage has the same shiny black tile on the walls as in the Ministry of Magic?
Dumbledore: It makes a good backdrop for my silver hair.
‘Nurse, can we get a shot of anti-psychotics for Mr. Sadism here?’
Young Tom Riddle: ‘I can disappoint people, too! Warner Bros. finds me. Whispers things…’
Tom: I can speak to snakes, you know.
Tom: And I see dead people.
Tom: I can also raise mummies.
Tom: And change the weather.
Tom: I can fly.
Tom: I can split my soul and put it in significant objects.
As Dumbledore proceeded to walk out, he wondered if he perhaps should have been more cautious around Tom Riddle.
Harry: Did you know, sir, then?
Dumbledore: Did I know that he was to become the biggest pop sensation ever? No.
This winning caption will be delayed until July 2009 where it perfectly fills the gap for a major tent pole release for mid-summer.
Dumbledore: You can talk to snakes?
Tom: Yes, sir.
Tom: Is that a good thing, sir? Are other different people able to talk to snakes, too?
Dumbledore: Well, dear boy, you are a peculiar or – shall I say – special sort of different.
Young Tom: Grampa?
Young Tom: Santa?
Young Tom: Merlin?
Dumbledore: …close enough!
Dumbledore: ‘Oh dear, um… how do I put this? It’s not that we don’t like you, Tom, it’s just that… Hogwarts has spontaneously burst into flame. Yeah, that’s it!’
Harry: *While watching this memory* So, Dumbledore, what was the point of showing me this, again?
Older Dumbledore: To show you that you’re not the first angsty child we’ve had at this school.