Week of November 16, 2008
Harry: What’s this? Is that greasy-haired teenager clothes shopping with a girl?
Dumbledore: Ah, I see you’ve found Snape’s second-worst memory.
What Dumbledore didn’t tell Harry is that just three minutes prior to his arrival, the Pensieve had been filled with face-eating acid.
Harry: *Amazed* Wow! My alphabet soup is sending me a message! It’s saying ‘Ooooo!’
Dumbledore: Harry… those are Cheerios…
Harry has now learned that catalogs always lie about the size of things, even pools.
Harry: ‘That is one, big, contact lens…’
It was then that Harry realized the soup portions at The Three Broomsticks were way too big for him to finish in one sitting.
Harry: ‘Professor Dumbledore, why is Gossip Girl playing in your Pensieve?’
Harry: *At a hot tub auction* ‘Ooh, this one has lights in it. Bit small, though…’
Dumbledore: *Watching Harry* I read that people can drown in a teaspoon of water.
Snape: *Also watching Harry* I’m banking on it…
Daniel Radcliffe is Narcissus, in theatres Christmas 2009.
Harry: It’s so… so…
Dumbledore: *Off-screen* Miraculous? Magestic? Glorious?
Harry: I was gonna say ‘so last week.’ They’ve got new Pensieves now, Professor, and those come with iPod hookups.
Harry stared bewildered as the Frisbee hit him in the gut…
Ron: ‘It’s okay, Harry, you’ll catch it next time.’
Harry: Pensieve, Pensieve on the floor, whose face doth every girl adore?
Pensieve: *Shows Edward Cullen*
Harry: *Walks away swearing under his breath*
Harry is the first to discover that the advanced previews of HBP can now be seen in Pensieve HD with Surround Sound.
Harry: That’s not my father. It’s just my reflection.
Dumbledore: Nooo. Look harder. You see, he lives in you!
Harry: This is the last time we let Disney get involved in these films…
Dumbledore: Asante sana, squash banana…
‘Mirror, mirror in the bowl, help us get out of this economic hole.’
Harry: ‘This is WAY better than cable!’
Harry: Mirror, mirror in the cauldron, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror: That doesn’t rhyme. How about… ‘Mirror, mirror, you’re so pretty, who’s the fairest in the city?’
Harry: Okayyy, Mirror, mirror, you’re so pretty, who’s the fairest in the city?
Mirror: Near and far, short and tall, Ginny Weasley is the fairest of them all!
Harry: I’ll pay you fifteen Galleons to say that to Pansy Parkinson.
When Harry dives into the Pool of Unfortunate Truths, he gets some information he’d rather not have heard…
Pool: Voldemort will use those who are close to you to lure you in.
Harry: Eh… no big deal.
Pool: You are doomed to either die at the hands of Voldemort, or have him die at the hands of you.
Harry: Is that all you got?
Pool: 3 of the Top 10 Harry Potter captions are about Twilight.
Harry: …that’s just wrong.
Harry: ‘Okay, Water Demon-thing. You drive a hard bargain…. I’ll give you my soul, in return for pre-adolescently clear skin.’
Harry: So you’re telling me that the important memory you needed from Slughorn was of you doing the YMCA in a banana suit?
Harry: Swimmy? Swimmy, are you okay? …DUMBLEDORE DID YOU FORGET TO FEED MY GOLDFISH?
Dumbledore: Harry, you will learn a great amount from these memories. You must remember, only you can save us.
Harry: Thank you, Professor. *Takes step back* I — *falls through window*
Dumbledore: *Sigh* Minerva, can you bring Mr. Longbottom to my office, please?
Helpdesk (HD): Malackias Pushmore, Powerful Magical Objects Customer Helpdesk – Good afternoon, Pembry speaking. What is your complaint?
Harry Potter (HP): Hi! Harry Potter here. My Pensieve doesn’t work.
HD: Very well… Tell me, Mr. Potter, have you touched your Pensieve with your wand, before trying to use it?
HD: …and have you poured some thoughts into it?
HP: Of course I have! Don’t you think I know how to use magical objects?
HD: Of course you do, Mr. Potter, I was just checking. Now, can you please read me the rune on the north-bound edge of your Pensieve?
HP: Well… I can’t read runes.
HD: No problem; there’s a red dot on the north-bound edge of your pensieve. Can you see it?
HD: Good. Is it pointing north?
HP: I don’t know which way is north, actually…
HD: Right… tell me, can you see the sun from where you are?
HP: Yes, there’s a window right here.
HD: Good… Please tell me the time at your current location.
HP: *looks around for pocket watch, stares at moving stars and other stuff* I… how do I tell time with this thing?
Top Five Indications that Harry Potter is Going Through Puberty:
1. His voice cracks while casting a spell, causing it to rain undressed Britney Spears.
2. All that awful, awful poetry.
3. Last spell learnt? ‘The Incantation of the Unscrambled Spice Channel.
4. No longer invited to sleepovers at Neverland Castle.
5. Starts thinking he can create a suspenseful scene. Constantly.
Strange Voice: Alright, Harry, you’re going to jump. On the count of three. One… two… THREE!
Strange Voice: Why didn’t you jump?
Harry: I forgot my arm floaties.
Strange Voice: …
Harry reconsiders entering the Triwizard Soup-Slurping Tournament.
Harry: Is this what I think it is?
Dumbledore: *Behind Harry* Yes, Harry, you are really seeing this.
Harry: It’s the previews for New Moon? Already? Oh my gosh! These aren’t supposed to come out for, like, another year! Edward looks so hot, and Jasper is working that jacket!
Harry: *Shakes Pensieve* Will I defeat the Dark Lord?
Pensieve: Reply hazy. Try again later.
If Fanfics were visible through the Pensieve
Harry: Snape… Mom…? DAD?
Harry knew it was time to lay off the Firewhiskey when Mrs. Weasley’s onion soup began to speak to him.
‘Alright! WHO PEED IN THE PENSIEVE?’
Hermione: *To Ron* I told you it was a bad idea to let him watch Signs.
Harry finally gets his hands on a copy of The Invisible Book of Invisibility.
Harry: ‘Oh, look, it’s Cedric! Oh, he’s with a girl. But – hold on, why is she covered in feathers?
Ginny: Harry, Harry! What do you see?
Harry: I see a brown bear looking at me!
Harry knew Dumbledore had made him promise to do everything he asked before they set off to find Voldemort’s Horcrux, but he had not thought it involved unclogging his toilet.
Harry: I marry Ginny? And we have three kids?
Ron: *Off-screen* Don’t forget the fact that you name one of your kids Albus Severus…
Harry: The future is bleak, man.
Harry gazed at the images in confusion. This ‘all-seeing eye’ seemed to have mistaken him for someone else.
Harry quickly realized that what had happened in the Slytherin common room in the 30’s best stayed in the Slytherin common room in the 30’s.
Director: Dan, can you do anything besides look like a moody teenager? That was last book.
Dan: Well, I can act naked with horses!
Director: …good to know.
Harry: ‘I really enjoy having staring contests with inanimate objects. It really fills the gaping voids in my life, between battles with Lord Voldemort and dreaming up creative names for my children.’
Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets
Even with help from the Pensieve, Harry could not find where Ben Linus hid that darn island…
Harry: ‘That memory is definitely not PG-rated.‘
‘I had a pumkin pastie… but I eated it.’