Week of September 1, 2013
Death Eater: Where do you think you’re going?
Student: To the trolley, for a Licorice wand…
Death Eater: Hmm, give me five Galleons and I’ll let you pass!
-The Doctor’s Daughter
Rodolphus: I’m here to tell you all about the changes that have been made to Hogwarts this year. First of all, we’ve changed the name of ‘Defense Against the Dark Arts’ to just ‘Dark Arts.’ Don’t worry, it’s only a cosmetic change.
McLaggen: Doesn’t sound too bad.
Rodolphus: We’ve also added a portrait of the Dark Mark to every dormitory. You will be required to salute it every morning.
McLaggen: Big deal, that’ll just take a few seconds out of my morning routine.
Rodolphus: And, the Twilight books will be required reading material.
Rodolphus: Just kidding. We’re not that evil. But, you will have to torture first years.
McLaggen: Thank goodness!
Cormac: Hermione’s mine. Back off.
Death Eater: We’ll see which one of us she chooses, little boy.
Death Eater: Sorry, sonny, but on orders from Lord Voldemort we’ve removed all the washrooms from the Hogwarts Express. You’ll just have to cross your legs for the next five hours.
Student: Now that’s evil…
McLaggen: I’m going to make your life completely unbearable!
Rodolphus: I’d like to see you try. I’m already married to Bellatrix Lestrange.
Neville: Hey losers. He isn’t here.
Death Eater: What? I’m not here to arrest Harry Potter, I’m your new professor in ‘How to Find Horcruxes and The Best Way to Destroy Them.’ This is my colleague, Professor Bald, who teaches ‘The History of the Deathly Hallows,’ with extensive focus on the current Hallow situation and their importance to the storyline.
Neville: Man, Harry should really have completed his education.
Student: ‘Stop the train! I’ve changed my mind. I want to go to Smeltings instead, where nobody dies, there are no monsters, and the food isn’t served by slave labour.’
McLaggen: ‘Hey! you’re not attractive enough to enter the ‘cool people’ compartment!’
Neville: I’ll join you when Hell freezes over!
Death Eaters: What? We don’t want to recruit YOU. Everyone knows that Luna’s the epic one!
Death Eater: ‘I’m General Zod. Take me to Superman! …sorry. I always wanted to say that.’
McLaggen: ‘Could you take Longbottom with you? He’s starting to get hot and I can only handle so much competition…’
The Death Eaters’ first day of infiltrating the student body went swimmingly.
McLaggen: What’s your beard made of?
Death Eater: YOUR MOM’S CHEST HAIR.
Death Eater: *Deep breath* ‘Cormac, I am your father.’
Death Eater: ‘Sorry, sir. But only members of S.P.E.W. beyond this point.’
-The Doctor’s Daughter