Gryffindor Tower #6: Sinking “Ship”: What Happened to The Boy Who Lived?

by Dan
 But lately, I swear, nightmare dreams
are welling in me
and this ship is troubled
all because this ship we’re on is sinking…
Any DMB fans out there? If you are, you will recognize those words from the intro to “Two Step”…and oddly enough, I get to quote my favorite band when talking about my favorite books today. For any of you who read my last column, I’m willing to bet that you know where I’m going with this. But we’ll get to that in a minute.

First and foremost, let’s discuss a little something about last week. I made a joke about women in my last column, and for anyone who was offended, I’m sorry that you can’t take a joke. No, really, I’m sorry if I hurt you. However, there is one person I’m not sorry to…that person’s name is Stephanie. Let’s have a look at what Stephanie thought of my column, shall we?


I’d just like to write and tell you I was thoroughly disappointed with your article on Mugglenet, “Ron and Hermione – Romance, or No Chance?” First of all, I was just wondering how old you are? Not an insult, just wondering. Second, before you criticize women and how “confusing” we are, maybe you should get to know every single woman in the universe. Not every woman is like that. I don’t care if it’s a joke…you don’t put stupid things like that in an article. It’s very unprofessional.

Third, if you DID know about women at all, or even understood what was going on with Ron and Hermione in the Harry Potter books, you wouldn’t have commented on the “common room” scene the way you did. You assume that Ron must have said something about wanting to go out with Hermione, but that is clearly not the case. Hermione said “Well, do you know what the solution is?” and that it was that Ron should ask her first next time and not last. 

The reason Hermione said that is because she picked up on the fact that Ron was jealous that she went with Krum and she pointed it out. How could she not know by the way Ron was acting? Ron hung his mouth open was because he was shocked that she perceived it and it seems to me that proves he must not have said anything about wanting to take her. See, women pick up on these clues, even if men don’t. Try being a woman sometime…you men are just as confusing, if not worse. Please do not criticize my gender in any more of your articles. It is offensive, and sexist.


Since most of you found my analytical style to be quite interesting and fun, and realized it was a joke, let’s see how analytical and methodical I can be with sweet little Stephanie’s email.

I’m 20 years old, miss, and before you say that I’m wrong, why don’t YOU get to know every single woman on earth? For instance, to quote Melody, a Gryffindor Tower reader, “Girls are confusing. So don’t bother trying to understand them. The reason why we are so dang confusing is because we ourselves are on an emotion roller coaster, full with unexpected twist and turns. So what we think is obvious, (such as flirting) it isn’t to guys, and we girls can make mistakes.” I didn’t get many emails about that comment I made, but the ones I did get were in total agreement, even though I was just JOKING. Apparently Stephanie wouldn’t know a joke if it danced naked in front of her in Dobby’s tea cozy. And to say it’s unprofessional? Many famous journalists, like Dave Barry (a syndicated Miami Herald writer) make a living off of making jokes in newspapers, often directed at women. Please do not try and tell me what is professional and what is not. Try being a woman? No thanks, I like a healthy breeze round my privates. You go get your own column, then you can write what you want. We’ll call it S.P.E.W.- The Society of Pompous Enervating Women (slogan: who needs fun?).

To the rest of you, I’m sorry if I did offend you, and I hope you can bear my style of wit. If not, feel free to drop me an email, although I hope you can be a little nicer about it than poor Stephanie was (don’t worry Steph, I still love you!).

On to the topic at hand. Relationships. Ships. Shippers. I didn’t even know what these were until after my last column went up. But as I have found out, there is something harboring on war between the Ron-Hermione Ship and the Harry-Hermione Ship. A lot of people asked me to do a piece on Harry and Hermione. That’s cool, and here’s my opinion on it:

First, if Harry gets with Hermione, I’ll be happy. If Ron gets with Hermione, I’ll be happy. I honestly don’t care, because I like all three of them, and both Ron and Harry, in my opinion, would be cool as a boyfriend to Hermione. However, unlike the Ron-Hermione relationship, there is definitive evidence to say Harry does not like Hermione.

In an interview, JK said that Harry and Hermione are platonic. Ok, you may say that you want more. Well, here’s my piece of evidence that I believe kills the chance of Harry currently liking Hermione: look at Goblet of Fire. When Harry talks about what it is like to be arguing with Ron, he discusses his relationship with Hermione. I don’t have the book in front of me, but it’s something like “it’s a lot less enjoyable…more time in the library”, and he more or less admits that he doesn’t like hanging out with just Hermione. Hmm…if they were dating, they’d have to be hanging out alone…doesn’t seem like young Harry likes that idea too much. However, look at all the tension between Ron and Hermione!

When Harry-Hermione shippers emailed me, I swear, they sat around a table beforehand planning what they’d say to me, because they all talked about the same two things. First, at the Quidditch World Cup, Hermione pulled Harry back into his seat when he was staring at the veela. I would like to make a point. If I were in a seat that high, and my friend was about to do a double backflip off the railing, I WOULD PULL HER DOWN TOO! (Emerson’s note: Haha, that’s very true! This is how I tend to view most “evidence” supporting the H/Hr ship.) But it doesn’t mean, in any way, that I want to get into her pants. I, like Hermione, kinda like having my best friend around to hang out with.

The other thing people told me about was the kiss. You all know it. The big kiss at the end of Goblet of Fire. Guys…it’s a kiss on the cheek, from a girl who obviously is mature enough to show affection towards her best friend. And another thing that people forget…another reason why she may have kissed him–…HE ALMOST DIED! How soon we forget that important little detail!

In the recent chat with Galadriel Waters, the author of The Ultimate Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter, Waters said that she believes Ron and Hermione, after the argument in book four in the common room, will get together. Moreover, when asked about the kiss, and whether it was a red herring or it actually meant something, here’s what Waters had to say: “Yeah… red herring, I’m afraid. Hermione and Ron have shown the jealousy that definitely comes with caring about another person more than they’re willing to admit, while Harry doesn’t really display any latent interest in Hermione that we can see.” Funny how, even though I’ve never read that book, I said the same thing in my last column.

The bottom line is this. It doesn’t matter what you or I think will happen. What will come, will come, and we will face it when it does. It’s perfectly acceptable to discuss — even argue — over our theories. But the way that some shippers do it is appalling. This story, in the end, isn’t about who’s kissing who, it’s about overcoming the temptation of evil; not submitting to what is easy, fighting for what is right, and, above all, the boy who lived. Like I said before, if Harry or Ron gets with Hermione, I’d be happy. I would also like to see Harry get with Ginny; I would like to see Hermione date Krum; and I would like to see Ron get a chance with Fleur. The thing that kills me is that, throughout all of the discussion about book five, Ron and Hermione versus Harry and Hermione is more discussed than anything. (Em’s note: I would assume that’s because the online fandom is primarily made up of teenagers!) Did we all forget about Voldemort? Yeah, he’s back, and if I had to live looking like a disfigured baby hippogriff for the last fourteen years, you bet your butt I’d be pretty upset. What about Sirius? Any moment now a dementor could be sucking his soul out worse than a ten-dollar prostitute. What about Snape? He’s going to be risking his life to once again take down Voldemort, and with a nose like that, you can guess how hard it’s gonna be to lay low. What’s goin on with Lily? What’s the news about her? What about Remus? How will students cope with Cedric’s death? Who’s gonna die next?

People, people, the whole point of getting involved in the Harry Potter community is to get closer, not to fade apart. Let’s tone down this war, because in the end, if we don’t, we’re all gonna be on a sinking ship: the Harry-Ron-Hermione-Dumbledore-Lupin-Sirius-Snape-Draco-Seamus-Dean-Neville-every-other-character-in-the-world-of-Harry-Potter ship. Let’s not let that happen. Can’t we all just get along?

As always, thanks again for reading. I must ask a favor of you all. My Hotmail account is about to explode, and as I don’t feel like dealing with the Microsoft Nazis. I ask you to, from now on, direct your emails here. And while you’re at it, I may as well tell you what my next topic will be: Harry Potter and the Crazy Radical Christians. If you guys have any comments about the views by some Christians that you’d like put into my column, feel free to email them to me. Take care, and see you next Sunday!