The U-Bend #5: Choking Ron – Evil Harry and You

by Andrew Lee and Robert Lanto with assistance from Robbie Fischer

“Kill the boy.”

-Lord Voldemort/Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

We are here to talk about one of the greatest plot twists we’ve currently seen in the Harry Potter series. We’re talking of course about evil Harry. In those few moments when we realize that Voldemort can manipulate Harry’s mind, the whole story after Order of the Phoenix is now blown wide open. From that point on we’re looking at the end of a good little Harry, to a point where he can now turn into a homicidal maniac and killing machine. We for one welcome this change as now the books become a lot more interesting.

Think about it. With evil Harry, things that we’d think were impossible have now opened their way to us. At the same time, evil Harry’s sudden urges to kill, manipulate and injure (or whatever) will really flesh out his character. An example of sudden bouts of rage is presented below:

It was dark in the Gryffindor common room that night, as Harry and Ron sat by the fireplace finishing their potions reports. As Harry began to reread his paper, he noticed that Hermione was diligently trying to find more places to hide her homemade socks and scarves. Harry snickered to himself when he began to feel a strange urge inside his head…

Hermione was wondering how many house-elves she would free tonight when she heard a noise behind her. Hermione turned around to see Harry with his hands around Ron’s throat. There was a devilish grin on Harry’s face; it almost looked like he enjoyed hurting Ron. Ron, who had dropped his quill, was trying to break Harry away with his wand. “Hermione… ack… it’s… happening… erk… again!” Ron said, desperately gasping for breath.

Hermione dropped her homemade clothes and grabbed her wand. She grabbed Harry from behind and pleaded,” No, Harry! BAD HARRY! LET GO OF RON, HARRY!”

How cool is that? Suddenly boring studying scenes are lightened up with intense action! All of a sudden, we’ve got normal routine tasks that are filled with the danger of Harry attacking his friends. Well, of course he doesn’t mean to do it but, until Voldemort is defeated we’re in for two of the most exciting semesters ever! Take eating in the Great Hall for example:

Harry sat down at the Great Hall table, still wearing his Quidditch robes and a scowl. “Worst practice ever,” he muttered darkly, grabbing for the dish of treacle tart. Seeing his present mood, Colin Creevey and Lavender Brown furtively moved away from him.

Ron sat down, shamefaced, opposite him. “Sorry, mate,” said Ron. “Honest, I didn’t plan on scoring twelve of our own goals.”

Harry’s scowl darkened. Parvati Patil hid her face.

“Well, at least you’re still…”

Ron’s voice trailed off as his eyes found his plate. The meat on Harry’s plate seemed to be of a different color than his own. “Uhhh what are you eating Harry?”

“Crookshanks,” Harry replied. He then went on calmly cutting another piece of the ‘meat’ on his plate.

“Eeeurgh!” could be heard from up and down the table..

“You didn’t complain yesterday when I shared with you part of my Hedwig sandwich,” Harry added.

This perfectly shows how all of Harry’s friends and enemies will be afraid to approach him alone. Remember, this is the boy who turned Quirrell into a pile of dust! You thought the students of Hogwarts were afraid of Harry in the Chamber of Secrets book? Well, now they’ll be screaming down the hallways to avoid him. The sheer power Harry wields is some of the greatest seen within the series. Plus, it’ll finally allow Harry to deliver some long overdo justice. Take this example:

Harry pulled the lid off the tank of an unused toilet in Myrtle’s bathroom. Tiny voices within ceased their sobbing and began begging, cursing, and threatening him, their words lost in the echoes and overlaps.

Harry lowered a small box of raisins into the tank on a piece of twine, saying, “Now, now, Draco, you and your cronies obviously haven’t learned your lesson. I think you’ll need another week of this at least. Raft nice and comfy down there? Excellent. Don’t chuck *these* raisins at me, now. It’s all you’ll have to eat until I return…”

Harry also wins from this change of events. Sure he may alienate a few of his friends (and torture his enemies), but as we all know that girls love guys with power (except Malfoy, since he’s mean to anyone that isn’t directly related to himself). Okay, Harry has lost Cho Chang but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be without a girlfriend. For example:

It was a sunny day as Harry, Luna, Ron and Hermione walked out to Hogsmeade. Harry didn’t especially like that Hermione felt that he couldn’t be left alone anymore, but it didn’t matter. He was with Luna and they were happy. Luna looked dreamily into Harry’s eyes before starting to skip down the dirt road. Harry didn’t mind, Luna never questioned his actions. Luna never looked at him with concern or fear, and she never asked where he was going. Luna provided him with company and a comforting smile. “Is it true you disintegrated a bird in transfiguration?” Luna said, skipping alongside Harry.

“Well, not intentionally,” Harry said, “When I touched it, it turned into a pile of dust.”

“Well, as long as you don’t plan on turning me into dust,” Luna whispered into Harry’s ear. Smiling, Luna grabbed Harry’s hand and they ran ahead of Ron and Hermione.

“He always leaves out the part where he tried to transfigure me instead,” Ron told Hermione while rubbing his arm.

Of course, evil Harry won’t always be an unrelenting force with no conscience. Harry would still have to deal with the internal conflict of not totally losing his own mind to Voldemort. This internal conflict would also produce interesting scenes. Now we would get to see how Quirrell felt with Voldemort in the back of his head or how Ginny probably felt while writing Riddle’s messages on the walls of Hogwarts. It’ll probably go something like this:

“Have you even tried blocking Voldemort from your mind?” Hermione asked.

Between classes, Quidditch and dating Luna, Harry had been quite busy. But now, with Voldemort trying to enter his mind again… Harry felt confused, bitter and angry. He had always accepted the thoughts in his head as his own. Now, Harry had no way of knowing if they were. He never meant to turn the bird into dust, to strangle Ron or attempt to bury Neville’s head in a flowerpot. It was just that he had the urge to do it… Harry began to pace faster. Harry now understood why Crouch would act so strangely when he was under the influence of the Imperius curse. The constant watching and voices were taking their toll. Not knowing if those thoughts were truly your own. All Harry wanted was a little peace and quiet. And to do that, he would have to start suppressing the sudden urges to…

Harry understood what he must do. “You’re right, I need to try harder to control myself… to stop myself from acting out,” he replied.

Harry paused. Maybe Hermione was right; maybe all he needed was to stop himself from acting. Harry felt a gentle calm that he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Let’s go find Ron,” Harry said.

Harry and Hermione began to walk back towards the Gryffindor common room before Hermione stopped. “Give me your wand first,” Hermione said, opening her hand.

‘Why?” Harry replied, sounding rather surprised, and annoyed, at Hermione.

“So you don’t try and stick it up Ron’s nose again.”

So, there you have it, the reasons why evil Harry will be a great addition to the upcoming novels. Whether it is spicing up everyday activities during the school year to heartbreaking scenes of emotional distress or once again hurting Ron for the sheer pleasure of it, we’re going to be in for the best final semesters ever. We’re ready for evil Harry, are you?