The U-Bend #43: The Original King

by Andrew Lee and Robert Lanto

“I don’t want [Harry Potter] to go over the Reichenbach Falls.”
-Stephen King

Who is Stephen King? Stephen King is America’s most prolific horror/thriller/suspense writer. Known mostly for his horror works, he’s also known for his ability to churn out countless short stories and full-length novels for people of all ages. He’s created some of the most famous evil creatures in the history of horror novels (not to mention their film adaptations).

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, Stephen King says Harry Potter should live. Normally we would say, “Great, another author wants some say in how thePotter series ends.” However, Stephen King falls in a different category. Because we wouldn’t begin to comprehend a Potterverse without the creations of Stephen King.

Take Stephen King’s novels, for example. Without Cujo the evil dog we would never have seen Fluffy, the misunderstood, three-headed dog. (Speaking of which, where’s Fluffy now?) There would be no Ford Anglia if Stephen King never wrote Christine. Sure, one was a magically enchanted car created by Arthur Weasley to better understand Muggles, and the other was an evil death machine created by a crazed killer to better understand immortality. But both cars rebelled against those who tried to drive them and eventually roamed free to drive where they wanted (although, in the case of Christine, the car had to make a trip to the crusher’s first). But perhaps the greatest example is none other than the tale of Sirius Black, or, as Stephen King might refer to him, Andy Dufresne: A wrongfully accused man goes to jail, escapes, and ultimately finds vindication (although, for Sirius, this only occurs after his death). Oh, and without The Dead Zone, there would be no Professor Trelawney to predict everyone’s death.

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, in a sense, by analyzing Stephen King’s work we can accurately predict the ending of book 7. Be prepared for spoilers, because King left us a few clues for the shocking conclusion. Some of them come from his short stories, some of them from his movies, and all of them bound to keep you reading until the early hours of the morning. Thank you, Stephen King.

If our analysis works, this is what should happen: Harry will use his friends and, together (like Stand By Me), be brought together by the traumatic experience of Dumbledore’s death. Voldemort, after having planned the next phase of his evil scheme, will try to bring down the wizarding world using the Wizarding Wireless Network by transmitting a secret pulse (see Cell) to turn all wizards and witches into jelly-brains. Upon returning to Hogwarts, Harry and friends will learn that Voldemort and his Death Eaters have taken up residence in the sewers of London and have been using it to terrify Muggles and wizards in the local area (see IT). During the climatic showdown, Ron will be severely injured, which will have Hermione showcase the full range of her magical powers, as well as her suppressed love for Ron (see Carrie), in a fit of rage that will clear the way for Harry to have the ultimate showdown to end all showdowns [see that Internet site you’re always getting stuff from, YouTube (now with 100% more Google…but we digress)]. As for who will win that showdown, we expect a Kingsian twist…so expect giant, land-eating worms.

That’s all we’ve been able to gather so far. There may also be something to do with an evil pet cematary, but we’re still working out those details. So, the moral of our story is this: Listen to Stephen King, as his next book may have the ending for the Potter series hidden between its lines. Or perhaps the next Potter book will have the ending to Stephen King’s next novel? That’d be quite a twist (worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, perhaps! – Robert).

(Authors’ note: Special thanks to Wikipedia, the Internet’s greatest encyclopedia. Don’t believe us? Look up American Pie (Hint: Scroll down to “Covers and Parodies”). Isn’t the Internet amazing?