CC #261: Week of April 13, 2008

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Trelawney: …And how dare you suggest such an evil!
Umbridge: Really, dear, I am sure it would improve your class.
Trelawney: No seer ever wears pink!
-Jean Stein

Trelawney: ‘I would try seeing something for you… but I can’t get past that sweater!’

Trelawney: ‘No! NO! This is MY copy of the Tales of Beedle the Bard, and you can’t have it! Oh, the omens are exceedingly dire for you, my dear, if you take but one step closer…’

Umbridge: Dear, could you answer a question for me?
Trelawney: *Clutches Unfogging the Future in a very Hermione-like way* I – suppose…
Umbridge: What is a ten-letter word for ‘dunce’?
Trelawney: What? Uh, wait – I’m getting a vision… it’s Professor Snape… and he’s calling his class… DUNDERHEADS!
Umbridge: *Writes ‘dunderhead’ on her clipboard* Thank you, Professor. You have helped me finish my crossword.

Umbridge: You’ve done great on your inspection! You are way better than I expected. You are a perfect teacher!
Trelawney: Thank you!
Umbridge: Now one last question – though it won’t really affect your inspection – do you believe Voldemort is back?
Trelawney: Yes, I do.
Umbridge: You’re fired. *Walks out*
-Haley R.

Umbridge: And may I see your lesson plans for next week?
Trelawney: MINE!!!

Can you find all five crystal balls hidden in this image?
-A.J. Lucas

Umbridge: If you really can predict the future… what am I going to wear tomorrow?
Trelawney: Um… pink?
Umbridge: Hmm… well, maybe you’re not that much of a fraud after all…

Umbridge: Could you… predict something for me?
Trelawney: You will soon be handed a strange book by a truly gifted Seer…

Malfoy: *To Crabbe* ‘So, do you think Umbridge could get Trelawney with that clipboard before Trelawney could hit her with that book?’

Umbridge: Could you… predict something for me?
Trelawney: Yes, yes, I can! Before this school year ends, you’ll be attacked by Centaurs!
Umbridge: I didn’t think so…

Umbridge: Yes, well, it seems as though you won’t be staying at Hogwarts much longer.
Trelawney: That was not a wise thing to say.
Umbridge: And why is that?
Trelawney: One, it wasn’t nice. Two, I am holding a very heavy book. And three, I’m bigger than you.
Umbridge: *Leaves*

Umbridge: For the Halloween feast, we require the staff to dress up this year. Might I suggest Cousin It?
Trelawney: How do you mean?

Umbridge: And you are… 49 years of age?
Trelawney: *Gasps* How did you know??

Umbridge: Well, I can see that you are not a very fit teach- Oh my! I LOVE your nails! Is that periwinkle blue?!
Trelawney: Yes! I got it at that cute little salon down by Zonko’s Joke Shop!
Umbridge: Yes! I saw that there! I was a little hesitant on buying it, but now that I see it on nails I just HAVE to buy it!
Trelawney: I can totally let you borrow it. Just come by my office after class and I can give it to you.
Umbridge: Thank you soooo much!
Crabbe: Uh… what just happened?
Malfoy: I think a beautiful friendship was just formed…

Why Professor Trelawney was really sacked.
Umbridge: And you wear those thick glasses because…?
Trelawney: I’m near-sighted. And far-sighted.
Umbridge: *Writing* A blind Seer, interesting…

Umbridge: You are a fat ugly liar.
Trelawney: Then you are a fat ugly toad who has no manners and gives the worst punishments!
Umbridge: Oh, I was talking to the book, dear.
Trelawney: Then so was I.

Umbridge: How long have you been employed?
Trelawney: Sixteen years…
Umbridge: And only one authentic prophecy during that time? Surely you could do better…
Trelawney: The Inner Eye does not See upon command! Although, I have had a rather nasty dream about a toad being squashed to death with Unfogging the Future

Trelawney: I’ve been working here for sixteen years, now, and none of my students have ever failed. Those who cannot See make wonderful Objects.
Umbridge: *Scribbles on clipboard*
Trelawney: I take my work seriously and hold students accountable for their actions. I am fair, but firm.
Umbridge: *Nodding, scribbling*
Trelawney: I am willing to take a pay cut when necessary, and am greatly liked by my colleagues.
Umbridge: *Finishes scratching*
Trelawney: Did you get all that?
Umbridge: Nope, but – *holding up clipboard* – I drew a kitty cat!

Trelawney: But I can’t let you sell this book! It’s invaluable!
Umbridge: Well, in order to get a Mr. Coffee machine, we have to sell something.
Trelawney: Is the Mr. Coffee for the teachers?
Umbridge: No, it’s for me!

Trelawney: But I can’t leave Hogwarts!
Umbridge: Why? What, is it because you’ve been working here for sixteen years? It’s your home?
Trelawney: Actually, um, it’s because you’re standing on my foot…






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Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.