CC #291: Week of March 8, 2009
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The Dursleys join the ranks of cereal mascots after Warner Bros. negotiate to make them the mascots of the newest brand: Bland-O’s.
Uncle Vernon: ‘Oh, great and colorful bird, bestow upon me great fruity flavor!’
Honey Bee: We would like you to join the Kids Cereal League!
Tony the Tiger: You would be grrr-reat for the new cereal ‘Big Ds’!
Uncle Vernon: Come back with my Fruit Loops, Toucan Sam!
Aunt Petunia: Come back, Rabbit! You’re going to be Dudley’s 37th birthday present!
Dudley: Hey, you silly Rabbit, give me back my Trix!
Ripper: *Bark, bark, bark eat Snap, Crackle and Pop, bark, bark!*
Honey Bee: Forget about the Trix! I want the honey you were eating! It’s mine!
Tony the Tiger: Look, there goes Harry the Grrr-reat!
Aunt Marge: *Floating away* This is what I get for eating too much cereal! AAAH!
Honey Bee: You know, Dudley, if you eat Cheerios for a month it will lower your outrageous cholesterol. It’s never too late in life, no matter how old you are!
Dudley: I’m twelve.
-Bellatrix the Strange
Dudley: Aren’t you American?
Vernon: ‘We say no to owls and he uses tropical birds!’
Honey Bee: ‘Is Dancing with the Stars that popular over here? I mean, come on! Who doesn’t pay attention to us loveable but annoying food advertisers?’
Craziness is not talking to your cereal; craziness is if your cereal talks back.
The Dursleys were astonished when WB announced it would be increasing its revenue by incorporating commercials into the next movie. Among the slogans you can find in the next Harry Potter installment are:
1) Silly Muggles! Magic Trix are for wizards!
2) Spell-O-Tape: The cure for all wands that Snap, Crackle and Pop.
3) Looking for Voldemort? Just follow your nose!
4) Bee happy, bee at Hogwarts.
5) Hermione Granger – she’s more than good at magic. She’s Grr-reat!
The search to find Lucky has become desperate.
Dudley: Take me to cereal land!
Kellogs Characters: NO!!!
Dudley: Why not?!
Kellogs Characters: You’ll eat our corn- and rice-based babies!
It was then that Dudley realized Dumbledore had entirely miscalculated the identity of the seven Horcruxes, by completely overlooking Voldemort’s infatuation with sugary breakfast cereals.
Dudley: ‘I’ve really got to stop eating 5 pounds of ice cream, 10 bags of cheese puffs, 3-and-a-half gallons of soda, 6 packs of cookies, and 3 cups of coffee before bed.’
Dudley: ‘…are you my conscience?’
Dudley: -and the bad news?
Bee: Ironically, cartoon breakfast cereal characters eat children.
Vernon: ‘Oh, Great Tucan Sam! Please, help my son! He’s talking to cereal box mascots!’
And at that point, the Dursleys knew that they should never have upset Harry, for he had let loose the cereal killers.
Mr. Dursley: ‘Oh, no………. it’s the in-laws!’
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