44 Ways to Bother Severus Snape

Guaranteed to get you, at the very least, a detention or two…

  1. Make him take a shower.
  2. Make him use shampoo in aforementioned shower.
  3. Make him use clarifying shampoo.
  4. Apparate next to him, hand him a tube of super-strong facial cleanser, then quickly Disapparate before he realizes what happened.
  5. Enchant this cleanser to follow him around until he uses it.
  6. …enchant the cleanser to follow him around anyway.
  7. Tell him you stole his teddy bear.
  8. Tell him you won’t give it back until he agrees to wash his hair.
  9. When he washes his hair, tell him you were just kidding and said teddy bear has already been destroyed.
  10. Sneak up on him while he’s asleep and give him a mohawk.
  11. Sneak up on him while he’s asleep and write “Crazy!” all over his face in permanent ink.
  12. Sneak up on him when he’s asleep and wash his hair.
  13. Send him repeated invitations to a makeover party – which emphasis on facials, shampooing, and hair-braiding. (“But you’ll look so pretty!!”)
  14. Force him to get a Michael Jackson-type nose surgery.
  15. Call him Michael by accident.
  16. Make parallels between him and Michael Jackson. “You both have deformed noses, you both have pale skin, you both have greasy black hair, he’s the King of Pop, you’re the Half-Blood Prince, you both molest chil..Oops!”
  17. Prank call him and say, “Where’s the emergency?! I hear there was a man at this number who needed an extreme nose job ASAP!” over and over again.
  18. Resurrect James using a seance and make him haunt Snape for eternity.
  19. Hypnotize the Death Eaters to make fun of him and constantly try to de-pants him.
  20. Tap him on his left shoulder and jump to the right.
  21. Nudge him and say, “So…how’s the double-agent business going?” *nudgenudgewinkwink*
  22. Tape a sign that says “CURSE ME!” on his back.
  23. Call him Snivellus.
  24. Tell you consulted a pyschic and he’s not a Prince after all…and he never will be.
  25. Convince him that going around in the nude is the new “in” style. Wait, are we torturing him or us?!
  26. Give him to Grawp. *evil laugh*
  27. Obliviate his memory and force him to spend the rest of his days as a Muggle. Or better yet, try it within the Obliviating part!
  28. Dye his skin pink.
  29. Force him to become the head Gryffindor cheerleader.
  30. Tell him that you’ve killed Draco (as tempting as it may be, do not really kill him!).
  31. Laugh evilly and tell him that he’s broken the Unbreakable Vow since he didn’t save Draco, and will therefore die at any moment.
  32. Laugh at him as he runs in circles panicking about his impending “doom.”
  33. Or just kill Draco and force Snape to watch him die. *dodges fangirls*
  34. Give him the nickname Half-Blood Princess.
  35. Find anything he’s ever written “I am the Half-Blood Prince” on, and change it to say “Princess.”
  36. Blackmail him. “If you do anything bad to me, I’ll show everyone the picture of you before your nose job went horribly wrong!”
  37. Comment on how smudgy his papers are because they have grease marks from his nose on them.
  38. Tell him Voldemort doesn’t love him anymore.
  39. Tell him a story with many parallels to his own life, and disguise it badly.
  40. End with his imminent doom and the moral: “Greasy-haird traitors who murder old men [for any reason] and run away, will always get caught and murdered in the most painful way wizardly possible.”
  41. When he confronts you about it, pretend you have no idea what he’s talking about.
  42. Tie him to a chair and force him to watch the Potter Puppet Pals.
  43. Buy him a shirt with his Puppet Pal look-a-like and say “Bother!” as loudly as you can whenever you’re in his presence.
  44. And if none of these bother Snape enough, you could always hack away at his head with a blunt axe – giving him a slow, painful death and an embarrassing, not-quite-Headless-Hunt-material afterlife.


Submitted by: Remy, Leah, Aly, Genny, Elizabeth, Emzy, Sarah F., Sarah S., and Stacy

Eric S.

Eric Scull joined MuggleNet in November of 2002. Since that time, he’s presided over a number of sections, including name origins and Dear Hogwarts, but none so long as the recently revived Crazy Caption Contest. Eric is a Hufflepuff who lives in Chicago and loves the outdoors.