You Can’t Sit with Us
In honor of Mean Girls Day, we’re taking the students of North Shore High School on a magical journey from Platform 9 ¾ to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. All aboard!
Now here, this map will be your guide to Hogwarts.
Oops, wrong one! This map will be your guide to Hogwarts.
Where you sit in the Great Hall is crucial… so let’s get everyone sorted!
Cady Heron
Cady is brave enough to go undercover as a double agent to sabotage the Plastics for Janis Ian. She faces daunting tasks like trips to the mall, teenagers at Halloween parties, and even the horrors of first-time drinking (and puking). After her crazy new American high school adventure, she is brave enough to apologize to the Plastics, Janis, and the entire school for all of her transgressions while sharing the glory of Prom Queen with the runner-ups.
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies but a great deal more to stand up to our friends.
It is her bravery and chivalry that would place young Cady in Gryffindor.
Janis Ian
Cady’s first, and most unlikely, friend at North Shore High would not be following Cady to the scarlet and gold-clad table. She is cunning in her schemes to take down Mean Girl Regina George and endlessly resourceful, making her a perfect match for Slytherin. Need some foot cream for your enemy’s face? Janis is your girl. Can you imagine the hexes she could come up with? Despite her House, she may find the Weasley twins to be great allies.The ambitious Slytherins would welcome her with a chorus of cheers after her witty comebacks and sassy apology speech.
Damian Leigh
The trio would be further broken up by Damian’s placement. Due to his unyielding loyalty to his best friend Janis, as well as his core value of fair play (demanding the return of his pink shirt after Cady’s mutiny), Damian would be most suited for Hufflepuff. His generally gentle and calm nature would be very at home among the friendly bunch of Hufflepuffs.
Regina George
Evil takes a human form in Regina George.
As leader of the Plastics, Regina is a master manipulator. She is rich, powerful, and popular, and she uses all three of her advantages to rule North Shore High School. She gets everything she wants – two Fendi purses, a silver Lexus, and even her parents’ master bedroom. Her word is law – she is the girl in charge, and she lets everyone know it. Even teachers are afraid of her. Her ambition and cunning would make her a perfect fit for Slytherin. Looks like she and Janis are stuck together.
Karen Smith
The comedic relief of the Plastics, Karen Smith is a special girl. She’s psychic and always in tune with her friends’ needs, but she needs to keep in mind that Taco Bell is off the table while dieting. She is extremely friendly, especially with her cousin, Seth. However, Karen is not nearly as cunning nor resourceful as her fellow Plastics. She has a role to play, and that is basically to stand there and look pretty. While her psychic abilities may have placed her in Ravenclaw, her inability to spell is definitely a hindrance. Her friendly nature and loyalty to Gretchen would place her in Hufflepuff with Damian – thank goodness, too, because he can spell “orange.”
Gretchen Weiners
Gretchen knows everybody’s business, everything about everyone – that’s why her hair’s so big; it’s full of secrets!
As Regina’s right-hand girl, Gretchen is almost as powerful as the Queen Bee herself. She is just as cunning as Regina, but with fewer rights. (Regina has to take all the credit, of course.) While cunning and resourceful, Gretchen is not quite as cool on her feet as Regina. Gretchen Weiners is essentially the equivalent of Vincent Crabbe to Draco Malfoy. Draco would be pretty screwed without his cronies, but he’ll never admit it, and the same goes for Regina and Gretchen. Gretchen would definitely follow Regina to the silver and emerald of Slytherin.
Aaron Samuels
Star football player, Mr. Popular, and the hottest guy at North Shore High School, Aaron Samuels is a hot commodity. As Regina’s on-again-off-again love interest, he holds an extra dose of power than his own popularity has earned him. To top it all off, he actually has a moral compass. After the release of the Burn Book and the fighting that followed, Aaron publicly shares his opinion on his ex-girlfriend and her band of brats, stating in math class that the book was written by a bunch of dumb girls bored with their own lives. He is not afraid to speak his mind, and he’s definitely athletic enough to be a star Chaser in Quidditch. Aaron’s daring and chivalry would certainly place him in Gryffindor!
Kevin Gnapoor
Though his street cred is infamous, his intelligence is unparalleled. Kevin Gnapoor is witty and creative, writing and performing his own rap (about himself) for the Christmas talent show. He is the leader of the North Shore High School Mathletes, and is a high-achieving student across the board. He is unafraid of sharing his opinions and feelings and is notorious for dropping street-themed wisdom. Kevin Gnapoor would be most welcome in Ravenclaw, but he would probably get locked out of the common room at least once a week for answering the riddles inappropriately.
Glen Coco
While we don’t know much about this esteemed character, we DO know that he received four Candy Grams during the holiday season. FOUR. We cannot even confirm that Regina George or Aaron Samuels matched this feat. This popularity is met with humble acceptance of said Candy Grams (and none for Gretchen Weiners). Only one character in the wizarding world would have the same amount of popularity and grace: Cedric Diggory. Thus, it is only appropriate that the famously quiet Glen Coco be Sorted into the same House as our beloved Cedric, Hufflepuff. You go, Glen Coco!
So how is everyone enjoying Hogwarts?
Well, you can take the teenagers out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the teenagers.
Mr. Duvall is calling this field trip OVER.
Sadly, the students of North Shore High School just do not seem cut out for the wizarding world. Everyone, turn in your wands.
On a more serious note, while Mean Girls has become a staple of popular culture references and a goldmine of GIF moments and memes, it offers a very valuable message for everyone that is just as important in the Harry Potter series. It is so easy to judge people based on appearance or background, but remember this:
Happy October 3, Mean Girls and Harry Potter fans. Stop the judgment, and spread some love today!