You’re a Wizard, Daryl: Walking Dead in the Wizarding World – Part 2
Last time, we were joined in the Great Hall by our friends Carol, Daryl, Andrea, Maggie, Michonne, and even the zombies. As they settled in for a grand feast, the other half of their group arrived and made their way along the narrow walkway leading to the Sorting Hat. One by one, they joined their fellow survivors in the Sorting Ceremony.
Oh, Carl. Carrrl. You poor thing. This kid has had it rough. From the moment the first Walker chomped its way through the hearts of mankind, Carl has had heartbreak after heartbreak, near-death after near-death — and he hadn’t even hit puberty yet! Puberty during the zombie apocalypse might be as close to hell on Earth as one might ever come. Whether you follow the comics or the show, I am sure we can all agree that this little dude has been through hell and can probably out-survive any of us. Between thinking his dad was dead, his dad’s best friend suddenly becoming his new “uncle,” shooting his own mother in the head, and having to care for what could be summed up as a zombie dinner bell while his dad loses his ever-loving mind, Carl has endured more than most, not to mention all those “Stay in the house, Carl!” Psst, Carl. I got a House you can stay in: How about the illustrious House of GRYFFINDOR! (Yeah, sorry, Harry, but if Carl had been the one in the prophecy, he probably would have taken care of business before you could say “Hogsmeade.” Just sayin’.)
I would start this out by asking for a moment of silence in honor of our dear, sweet Glenn, but I am firmly holding out hope that he is NOT DEAD! I refuse to believe he’s survived the sudden onset of zombies, falling into a death-hole occupied by a bloated Walker, a brutal interrogation by the Governor, being lined up like a pig for slaughter at Terminus, and all the close calls he’s encountered during his short time in Alexandria, only to have some [censored] panic and pull him off a freaking dumpster! But I digress. Soon, the house of HUFFLEPUFF will have their fellow badger back with them. I firmly believe that no other character exhibits the loyalty, resourcefulness, kindness, and acceptance that this noble House cherishes so greatly. His love for Maggie is one of the shining beacons of hope throughout the series, unyielding and unbroken even in the face of devastation. Glenn is also one of the best scavengers of the group, becoming a supply runner in their new home in Alexandria, and we all know how talented badgers are at finding things. Now, find a way out of that Walker mosh-pit, Glenn!
Sidenote: This article was written before “Heads Up.“ To avoid spoilers, it has not been updated to reflect the current state of the character.
The fearless leader of the Atlanta survivors. Yes, I do believe “fearless” is one of the top descriptors for this man. Waking up to the end of the world, alone, confused, and braving the unknown in search of his family, Rick had a Gryffindor feel to him when we first met him. Charging into a situation, head on, is one of the many defining traits of the lion, and Rick certainly does that. However, as time goes on and the new world pushes back at him, Rick starts to slip from simple bravery to survival-by-any-means. After the death of his wife, he emerged, grief-stricken, with a new sense of purpose: The survival of his people meant more than the survival of others. Even when Alexandria promised security and normalcy, Rick’s scheming and plotting never wavered. His needs and desires begin to meld into a singular drive, and a new sense of cunning emerges as he, once again, established himself as a leader. Now, I know that many of you Rick-loving dead-heads might be wanting to throw me into a tractor-trailer full of Walkers for daring to imply that our Sheriff might be anything but a Gryffindor, but hear me out: While Slytherins are very group-oriented and consider their housemates to be brothers, their loyalty to their own group only goes so far. When a snake feels as though someone is beginning to overshadow them, especially through means of foul play, their alliances give way to their need to come out on top. Sort of like when your best friend and partner gets your wife pregnant. Feel me? That is why the sheriff is, without a doubt, Sorted into SLYTHERIN.
Every group needs an advisor, someone with wisdom, patience, and experience to guide them through their tumultuous journeys. Our spiritual veterinarian took up this role quite easily. He took in Rick and friends despite his mistrust of them. (Okay, so it didn’t help that one of his people shot a little boy, and he felt obligated to try to help keep him alive, but let’s not split hairs.) His medical knowledge and eventual fatherly guidance were integral to the group’s survival. I think it’s no surprise that Hershel’s stump-legged self would be sorted into RAVENCLAW. His skilled diplomacy and ability to see reason through logic far exceeds his daring and thirst for comfort.
Would it be wrong to call this woman a Potato and be done with it? Yes, I suppose it would. After all, Hufflepuffs are renowned for their unyielding loyalty, of which this woman has none. To herself, maybe. There was very little bravery in her. She survived the apocalypse — almost — but mostly due to the bravery, intelligence, and strength of others. As for intelligence and cleverness? Well, if you ask me, she sort of derped her way through everything. She was manipulative, sure. I suppose that would align her closer to Slytherin than the other Houses, except I doubt she’d survive her housemates. They’d eat her alive (which is what should have happened very early in the series *cough*). I’m sorry, I just cannot find a place for this woman. The only conclusion I can come up with? The woman is a SQUIB. Utterly useless in the world around her. Maybe she can shack up with Filch.
Disclaimer: I may be a teensy bit biased against Lori, if you can’t tell.
Now that they have all been properly Sorted into their Houses, greeted by their peers, and given a moment to stuff their bellies to their heart’s content, it is time to let them go to their respective common rooms to rest — and maybe shower.
Like what you’ve read? Disagree with your favorite character’s Sorting? Tell us how you feel in the comments below!