How to Turn Your Crush into a Human Hosepipe

Are you looking to completely botch things up this Valentine’s Day? Maybe you’re looking for a list of things not to do on that special dinner date to prevent disaster. Either way, here is a list of surefire ways to transform your crush into a human hosepipe.


Act like you’re doing them a favor by asking them to the dance and when they go with someone else, make sure to tell them their date can’t possibly be interested in them for who they are.



Date them following the tragic death of their previous significant other. This is just a terrible idea. Let someone else try to be the follow up act.



Purposefully make out with someone else in front of your crush to make them jealous. Some people think this will force them to spill their feelings for you. The truth is, this is possibly the worst idea you could ever have.



Accuse them of having feelings for your mutual best friend. Nothing could go wrong with any of the friendships involved, could it?



Suggest leaving your date to go meet with not just your other friends, but a friend of the opposite sex…



Once you’ve finally somewhat established your mutual regard for one another, disappear into the night and leave your crush in the wilderness to wonder where you are, if you’re still alive, and if they’ll ever see you again.



When someone loves you enough to want to be with you, shut them out of your life in an attempt to be heroic. That’s an excellent way to lose out on the short amount of time you are given to be together.



All in all, if you engage in any act of jealousy, manipulation, abandonment, or insult, you are nearly always on your way to making your crush cry or just plain hate you. So do your hair, put on your smartest clothes, and prepare for another disastrous Valentine’s Day, or if you’d like a safer option, stay home alone with your cats and order a whole pizza for yourself.

Amy Hogan

I was 9 years old when I discovered the magic that is “Harry Potter.” I am a proud Hufflepuff and exceedingly good at eating, reading, being sarcastic, and over-thinking small tasks. Since I spent too much time worrying about the correct way to write this bio, this is all I was able to come up with before the deadline.