Sorting “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” Characters into Hogwarts Houses
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend star and cocreator Rachel Bloom has acknowledged on many occasions that she is a huge Harry Potter fan. She even took a stab at Sorting some of the show’s characters, but a quote from the Season 1 theme song illustrates why that may be difficult:
Rebecca Bunch – Gryffindor
When Rebecca declares herself a Ravenclaw, Nathaniel responds, “I think that when people think they’re Ravenclaw, they really think they’re Gryffindor, and they don’t want to seem too braggy.” Rebecca seems like the type of person whom people would peg as Ravenclaw just because she went to Harvard and Yale. There’s certainly some Slytherin cunning in her, and she can be incredibly sneaky and manipulative, but she sees herself as a hero protagonist. The whole structure of the show relies on her idea that she can follow a storybook formula to make her dreams come true. She panics when she realizes she might be “the villain in my own story” and that “life doesn’t make narrative sense.” Whether it’s about finding true love or true happiness, Rebecca is goal-oriented, competitive (even with herself), and a bit self-obsessed, but ultimately on a mission to do good and feel good, and confronting her issues takes a lot of courage.
Joshua Chan – Hufflepuff
Josh has a strong moral compass that often makes him feel guilty. He hates thinking he’s the bad guy, always wants to be liked, and needs reassurance that he’s doing the right thing. That can sometimes result in his evading responsibility for his actions or making other people’s problems about himself, but deep down, he really cares. He so rarely gets mad that he doesn’t even know how to express anger. Don’t you just want to hug those bulging muscles? Josh looks like he could crush your head like a watermelon between his thighs, but he’s just a cinnamon roll.
Paula Proctor – Slytherin
Paula Proctor? More like Paula Plotter! Paula is the queen of scheming. Rebecca might be the one on a mission, but Paula is quick to go above and beyond the call of duty to help her friend, and she gets quite a kick out of it. She even goes behind Rebecca’s back to keep things moving (“After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For)”). She has ambitions for herself too, in her desire to go from paralegal to lawyer, and she shows it by being the best in her office even before becoming Paula Proctor, Esquire.
Greg Serrano – Ravenclaw
He’s moody, brooding, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. Greg prides himself on his wit, taste, and natural intelligence. There are many things he could do if he wanted to, but he prefers to rely on his innate talents. He’s self-aware and insightful, a realist able to see through facades that fool others.
Darryl Whitefeather – Hufflepuff
Is there anyone more wholesome than Darryl? He just wants to be friends with everyone and make people happy! He sings to Paula, “You’re my best friend, and I know I’m not yours, and that’s okay.” It’s so sad but so sweet! He loves talking about feelings and taking care of others, even when they don’t reciprocate.
Valencia Perez – Slytherin
She gets what she wants, she can make a grown man shudder with just a look, and she would be “tsar of torture” in a dystopian regime. She’s got a social media and business strategy for everything. Don’t get in her way.
Heather Davis – Ravenclaw
Heather stayed in college until there were no classes left for her to take. She’s one of the most levelheaded characters on the show, often serving as the voice of reason for her less practical friends. She’s smart, down-to-earth, good at reading people, and skilled at talking them out of their delusions of grandeur. She’s had colorful hair highlights, an eyebrow piercing, and tattoos, so she’s got that edgy, artsy vibe going on too.
Nathaniel Plimpton III – Slytherin
Rich, blond, spoiled, and arrogant, Nathaniel is literally Draco Malfoy, right down to the daddy issues. He once put a hit out on Josh Chan’s grandfather. He sings “Nothing Is Ever Anyone’s Fault.” Yeesh. But it is true that his upbringing made him this way, and he’s trying to be better, which doesn’t mean he can’t still be a Slytherin. He can just be one who uses his wealth, influence, and skills to do decent things.
How would you Sort the characters of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Have their Houses changed over the last four seasons?