Choose One of These Ten Fantastic Beasts for a Pet and We’ll Tell You What Career You Should Have

by · November 1, 2022

They say that dogs are man’s best friend, right? Wrong! The Dirigible Plum knows that there are multiple crazy creatures that can be your BFF in life, love, and maybe even your career. Pick any one of these cuddly (some not so cuddly) fantastic beasts and find out what you should be doing for your 9–5.

 

Flailtail Snail

Large light-blue snails with brown shells, these slimy gastropods have a nifty trick of attacking intruders with a simple swipe of their tails.

Creature-matched career: Overnight security guard. With some extra help ensuring intruders don’t sneak into your place of work, a job as an overnight security guard would be your ideal career, especially if you have narcolepsy or some other sleep-related disorder.

 

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Chupacabra

A mythological creature originating in North and South America and favored by somewhat dubious wizards (read: Grindelwald), the chupacabra usually looks like either a bald dog or a reptilian humanoid. It eats very little, but when it does, its main choice of nourishment is livestock blood, particularly goats’.

Creature-matched career: Landscaper. As a garden fanatic, there is nothing more annoying than a couple of sheep getting into your work and wrecking the topiary you so lovingly cultivated. A chupacabra can ensure that no hooved herbivores set foot in your gardens.

 

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Antipodean Opaleye

Correctly labeled the most beautiful species of dragon, the Antipodean Opaleye is a sight to be seen with its pearly scales and glittering multicolored pupilless eyes.

Creature-matched career: Influencer. Think of the number of Instagram likes you’ll get with this aesthetically pleasing beast by your side. Note that though the Antipodean Opaleye is the least aggressive of all dragon species, it is still a dragon and should be approached very, VERY carefully by professionals – if at all.

 

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Erkling

A humanoid elf-like creature originating from Germany with an uncanny resemblance to Gollum, the Erkling is incredibly devious. It enjoys shooting darts at unsuspecting victims and using high-pitched cackles to entice human children and eat them.

Creature-matched career: A 1930s orphanage manager or genuine psychopath. Please do not choose this fantastic beast.

 

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Glow Bug

Glow Bugs are small luminescent magical worms.

Creature-matched career: Lighting technician. Want to work at concerts, festivals, galas, or red carpets? You’ll be incredibly hirable with a few Glow Bugs in your lighting tool kit. They’re cost-effective, low-maintenance, and a good substitute for the complicated programs used to light up a stage that sometimes jam for no reason.

 

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Hippocampus

Hanging out in the Mediterranean but originally from Greece, the hippocampus is a magical water beast with the head and forequarters of a horse and the tail and hindquarters of a giant fish.

Creature-matched career: Olympic swimmer or marine biologist. Water is your work, and what better way to learn more about the fascinating world down in the deep than having an actual water beast as your pet? The hippocampus can guard your scientific discoveries or push you to nail your backstroke. We don’t exactly know how on that last point but imagine that having a huge marine creature following you would give you some motivation to swim faster.

 

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Lethifold

Looking like a black cloak half an inch thick, the Lethifold is one of the most dangerous of beasts. It preys exclusively on humans, attacking at night by “slithering” over a sleeping human before suffocating and digesting them.

Creature-matched career: It doesn’t matter which career we pick because you’ll probably die soon after purchasing this “pet.” We do not recommend it, but if you insist on going the Lethifold route, make sure you have an ace life insurance plan.

 

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Panic Spider

Known for its surprise attacks, the Panic Spider is a large species of spider that induces a state of panic in its victim.

Creature-matched career: Accountant. Because you have enough excitement in your life.

 

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Qilin

Qilins resemble deer and possess precognitive abilities. They can look into a person’s soul and find out if they are pure of heart.

Creature-matched career: Knight of the Round Table. Medieval times were tricky. Having a pet instantly inform you whether someone is pure of heart or likely to steal your sheep would be invaluable.

 

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Wampus cat

Native to the Appalachian Mountains, the Wampus cat resembles a mountain lion with six legs. It can walk upright, it is fast, it is strong, and it is almost impossible to kill. However, a more fascinating trait is its rumored ability to be blessed with the powers of both hypnosis and Legilimency.

Creature-matched career: Detective. You would have very little paperwork to do if all you needed to write to convict criminals was “my Wampus cat told me so.”

 

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Which career did you pick? Do you agree with our choices?

Disclaimer: The Dirigible Plum is not responsible if any one of these pets makes you lose your job, career, or life.