Week of November 26, 2007
Letter: Harry Potter, you’re –
Harry: Hey, you’re a GIRL letter!
Letter: Yes, very well spotted.
Harry: A very attractive girl letter. I mean, any ‘male’ envelope would be very happy to get together with you… if you know what I mean.
Letter: *Shyly* You – you think so?
Harry: Absolutely! You go out there and make me proud!
Letter: I will!
Harry: Now, what was the message you were going to deliver to me?
Letter: Oh, that, um… nothing! Nothing at all! Let’s just say it… got lost in the mail. *Flies away*
Harry: Could we all pretend that didn’t just happen?
‘Dear Mr. Potter, I’m afraid to inform you that this purple lipstick isn’t your colour. Hoping you are well…’
Harry: Open it, it’ll burst into flames if you don’t!
Vernon: I’m reading the envelope!
Vernon: Well, it’s quite descriptive!
Harry: ‘I didn’t know this is what they meant when they said mail order girlfriend…’
Howler: You are hereby expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Harry: Ha ha… very funny. I get it… you’re just messing with me, right?
Harry: April fool’s?
Mafalda Hopkirk: *Voiceover* ‘And by following these simple instructions, you too can make freaky origami faces to frighten small children with.’
Vernon: ‘You know, Dudley… odd choice of hat, but i like it!’
Letter: DUMBLEDORE IS GAY! HE’S A FAIRY, A FRUIT, A STAR DANCER!
Harry: ‘Star dancer’? That’s it, I’m calling the Improper Creation of Slurs office…
Envelope: I’m a Howler!
Harry: But I thought Howlers were red…
Howler from CoS: *Thinking* Poser…
Harry: ‘So… do stamps lick themselves now?’
Vernon: ‘I don’t care what the heck follows you home, Harry! You can’t keep it!’
Harry: Your parchment colour, your cold dark eyes, your letterieness… What I’m getting at, is… Miss Tan Letter, will you marry me?
Envelope: What starts with ‘e’, ends with ‘e’, and can only hold one letter?
Uncle Vernon: Umm….
Aunt Petunia: Err…
‘Hello, and welcome ot the Weakest Link, Muggle edition. Today we have a fatty, a nosy housewife, and a sickly child.’
Instead of putting the Christmas photo in the envelope like most years, this year, the Dursleys decided to put the envelope inside of the photo…
Vernon Dursley: *To letter* What are you?
Letter: I was about to ask the same question…
Letter: I DON’T CARE THAT YOU THINK MY LIPSTICK LOOKS LIKE ‘PERFECT PLUM’!!!! IT’S BLACKBERRY!!!
Harry: *Backs off* Okay, okay, I was just saying. Sheesh. Can you knock it of with all the capitals and exclamation points?
Envelope: ‘I have come to blurr your blood-relatives…’
Vernon: What the… that letter has a philtrum!
Petunia: What’s a philtrum?
Dudley: A slight indentation or depression leading from the skin between the nostrils to the upper lip, naturally developed by the human body to redirect running mucus.
Petunia: *Stares at Dudley*
Vernon: *Stares at Dudley*
Dudley: What?! I pay attention in class sometimes!
Letter: ‘The person who sent this has about as much personality as I do ink.’