Week of April 27, 2008
Filch: *Grumbling* ”’Come work at Hogwarts,” they said, ”plenty of opportunities to climb the ladder of your career”!’
Filch: *Thinking* I better hit Chang with this!
Luna: Cho, duck!
Cho: *Ducking* Wow, Luna, did you just use Legilimens?
Fred: Nah, you were just the only one who didn’t see that coming.
Fred: QUack! Quack!
Cho: Fred! Watch out!
*The ladder hits Fred*
Filch was ready to join the Inquisitorial Squad with his brand new semi-automatic step-ladder.
Fred: Another decree?!
Filch: Nope, I just feel tougher carrying around this ladder.
Filch: BLAST YOU, KIDS! Levitating my cat up onto high places! I’m coming, Mrs. Norris!
Fred: For the last time, Filch! Cats can jump high! We had nothing to do with it!
Filch: *Grumbles* Lousy, smartmouth kids trying to trick me to escape their rightly deserved punishments… think just cause I’m a Squib I don’t know nothin’ about my cat…
–In continuation of MrsRG’s caption last week–
Filch: Educational Decree #689 coming up, boys and girls!
Everyone: *Groans loudly*
Filch: Does no one pay attention to Educational Decree #92?!
Filch: *Swings ladder around counter-clockwise*
Filch: *Swings ladder around clockwise*
Filch: *Thinking* I can get used to this.
Filch: ‘The QuikSpell course was right! All you have to do to be the center of attention is to carry a ladder with you wherever you go!’
Filch: *To Fred and George* Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were forced to expose a secret, like when you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re a Squib for several years while working at your establishment and then suddenly you are forced to show that you cannot levitate yourself and therefore must use a ladder, thus feeling like a complete failure and feeling totally humiliated in front of several hundred adolescents?
Fred: …Not really…
Umbridge: *A few minutes ago* ‘A real man would climb the tallest tower just to get to me!’
Filch: *Grumbling* ‘I did not go to cosmetology school just to become Hagrid’s personal hairdresser.’
Ron: Merlin, what’s the new decree?
Hermione: *Reads* Students are not to ‘snog’ without the express permission of the headmistress. Any student caught doing so or has been reported to have done so in the past quarter will be expelled. Well, it’s a good thing that that doesn’t apply to any of us!
Filch: *Evil laughter* You’ll enjoy this next Educational Decree…
Ginny: W-what is it?
Filch: ‘Professor Umbridge must perform her favourite opera piece every Wednesday night, for half an hour!’
Once again, Madame Pince has asked Filch to get a book from the top shelf.
Filch: ‘Is this what love is?’
Filch: Out of the way! Out of the way! Move it, move it! The Life-size Chutes and Ladders game for the teachers isn’t going to set itself up!
Ginny: Actually, it can. *Waves wand and board game sets itself up*
Filch: …And they wonder why I have poor job appreciation…
Filch: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Dumbledore’s Army: *Freezes*
Harry: Um… I can explain…
Filch: There is no need to!
Filch leans the ladder against the wall and changes a burnt-out light bulb in the chandelier.
Filch: That’s been bothering me for ages! Well, carry on, kids! *Leaves*
Dumbledore’s Army: *Silence*
Harry: So, I guess it’s back to Patronuses then…
Unable to use magic, Squibs often resort to using more creative combat items.
‘Out of the way, out of the way! Mrs. Norris went up the Whomping Willow again and she’s refusing to come down…’
Fred: *Mumbles to George* We wouldn’t need a ladder…