Week of November 9, 2008
Dumbledore: *Musing* ‘Maybe I should tell Snape to kill me… just for kicks… and leave you with nothing, Harry.’
Dumbledore and Harry staring at a subway wall…
Dumbledore: ‘Hand me the spray paint, Harry, and I will show you a Muggle tradition.’
Harry: I think we’re at the wrong station.
Dumbledore: Let me consult the map birthmark. *Begins to lift robe*
Harry: No! No, let’s just take this next train wherever it goes.
Harry: Erm, sir? What are you doing?
Dumbledore: I believe that Voldemort would want to weaken his enemies before having them enter his cave. Therefore, I must make a blood sacrifice to enter.
Harry: No, really, Professor, let me do it.
Dumbledore: Nonsense, Harry! *Takes out knife*
Harry: Really, sir, all you need is a fare ticket.
Harry had always admired Dumbledore’s unique taste in beard styles. This season it was the fuzzy banana.
‘Alas, Harry, it seems destroying the Horcruxes was not the only way to defeat Voldemort. Getting him run over by the subway works just fine, too…’
-Emma the Evil
Dumbledore: Oh, Harry, I just enjoy hugging myself.
Dumbledore: You see, Harry, you are the Chosen One.
Harry: Yes, Santa. I mean……. Professor.
Harry: Professor, why are we still waiting here?
Dumbledore: You see, Harry, the Caption Contest Staff took an evil oath many years ago. A dark, evil oath.
Dumbledore: It was a pact so hideous that I am waiting here until they rectify the situation.
Harry: What did they do?
Dumbledore: An act, so heinous few would believe it to be true.
Harry: …they didn’t pick your caption, did they?
Dumbledore: …no, they didn’t.
Harry: *Walks away*
Dumbledore: I understand. It’s not easy being banished. Take my buddy Bigfoot. When he was banished, he fashioned an enormous diaper out of poison ivy. Wore it on his head like a tiara. Called himself ‘King Itchy.’
Harry: A Tiara… that’s it!
Harry: Erm, Professor?
Dumbledore: *Distracted* Yes, Harry?
Harry: Erm, sir, you were looking out in space for a minute there.
Dumbledore: Ah, dear Harry, was I looking out in space? Or was space looking out in me… that is the question we must ask ourselves.
Dumbledore: ‘You DID NOT just say that periwinkle is last season!’
Harry: Wow, sir, you are so great, is there anything you can’t do?
Dumbledore: Yes. I cannot slam a revolving door, sneeze with my eyes open, eat just one Lay’s potato chip, kill two stones with one bird, lead a horse to water AND make it drink, count to infinity… twice, and my tears do not cure cancer.
Harry: Well, is there anything that you can do that Chuck Norris can’t?
Dumbledore: Of course not! What do they teach you in Muggle studies?
Dumbledore: The next train will arrive in… two minutes.
Harry: Are you using long-range Legilimency again?
Dumbledore: The conductor is very hungry.
Dumbledore: *singing* ‘Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena. Heyyyyy, Macarena!’
Harry: Where are we going, Professor?
Dumbledore: Alright! I can’t keep it in any longer! Cedric Diggory didn’t die! We transported him to America and now he’s a vampire named Edward Cullen under the Wizarding protection program! And now we’re taking you to NYC so that you can be undercover as a horse fondler.
Harry: Where exactly are we, Professor?
Dumbledore: Well, I was going to ask you that. Where would you say we are?
Harry: It looks like the London Underground… except a lot cleaner… and empty… and there are no trains as far as I can see.
Dumbledore: *Chuckles immoderately* The London Underground? Good gracious, really?
Harry: Well, we are in the middle of the Credit Crunch. Times is hard, Sir…
Dumbledore: Anyway, like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. You got shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That – that’s about it… I think.
Harry: ‘It’s no fair. You get to have eye surgery and no longer need glasses, but I have to keep mine because it’s ”part of my character”.’
Dumbledore: ‘Pull my beard, Harry.’
Harry makes expression in picture.
Harry: Sir, I thought you were dead? Wait… does that mean I’m dead, too?
Dumbledore: Yes, and no. Unlike me, you have a choice, Harry. You can either go back, finish Lord Voldemort, and you might die for sure, or you can go on with me. You choose.
Harry: Well, of course I don’t want to die again. I choose to go on.