Week of June 28, 2009
Harry: ‘Hey, Hermione, I just found this really great book. It’s called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone! Weird, huh?
Harry: Read it.
Hermione: Harry, honestly, I’ve read it 18 times already!
Harry: Hermione, you must read it! It’s very important!
Hermione: *Sigh* Fine. *Reads* ‘Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…’
Harry: ‘You don’t think things are bad, Hermione? Then why is Dumbledore selling his magic rotisserie barbecue in the Sunday classifieds?’
Hermione: I’m sure you did okay on your History of Magic essay without me. Now let’s see what you wrote.
Harry: It’s a persuasive essay describing how guilty you will feel after I fail History of Magic.
Ron: Harry, you’re being ridiculous.
Harry: No, really, I mean it!
Hermione: It’s impossible, Harry.
Harry: No, look, Hermione! It’s right here. It’s titled Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone… it’s all here!
And as Ron takes a kip, Harry and Hermione peruse his diary and smirk as they read the contents – his secret obsession of and innermost feelings for striped shirts.
Harry and Ron decide it would be best to confront Hermione after discovering that she has been publishing books about their lives under the alias of ‘Joanne Kathleen Rowling.’
Harry: Hermione, explain this.
Hermione: It’s not mine…
Harry: I found it under your bed and it says ‘Property of Hermione Cullen.’
Hermione: ‘Why did you buy me Ron’s action figure?’
Harry: Hey, I got a ninety-nine! Looks like I’m gonna pass Potions after all!
Hermione: You’re holding it upside-down.
[Harry makes expression in picture]-Sam
Hermione: ‘That’s nice, Harry. But I still don’t see how The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss is going to destroy Voldemort.’
Harry: So I was in the library, searching for a book on Transfiguration, and then I found this.
Hermione: What is it?
Harry: Defeating Voldemort for Dummies.
Hermione: That’s useful! Are you gonna read it?
Harry: Heck, no! It says ‘for dummies,’ so I’m not going to read it!
Hermione: But you can’t just waste the opportunity and leave it unread!
Harry: You’re right. I’ll give it to Ron, instead!
Jeopardy, Family Game Night Edition
Ron: Okay, I’ll take ‘States that end in -hampshire’ for 200.
Hermione: Okay, *reading card* ‘This is the only state that ends in -hampshire.’ Ron?
Ron: Uhhhhh… South Hampshire!
Ron: I never thought I’d live to see the day… Hermione actually refuses to read a book.
Harry: C’mon, Hermione, But I AM the Chosen One is my best-seller!
Harry: Hermione, why have you written the words ‘Team Jacob’ on every page of the Half-Blood Prince’s book?
Hermione: Erm… well, you see… after reading Breaking Dawn, I found my loyalties had changed a bit…
Ron: And last year you wasted all that time knitting the House-Elves ‘Team Edward’ sweaters…
Harry: I know all about your little secret, Hermione…
Hermione: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Harry: Oh really? *Pulls out photo album filled with pictures of Ron’s head pasted onto male models’ bodies* Does THIS look familiar?
Hermione: Oh, that. I found that under Ron’s bed.
Ron: I… uh… hang on, what were you doing under my bed?
Hermione: *Alarmed* Harry? What’s wrong?
Harry: *Fighting tears* Look. Emerson thinks I should have died.
Harry: Check this out.
Hermione: The Seven Habits of Highly Annoying People? By Colin Creevey? What the-
Ron: -Well, at least he knows what he’s good at.
Emma: THAT is how much you got paid to take your clothes off in Equus?!
Rupert: I’ve never seen so many zeros!!!
Harry: Hermione, will you open this Howler, please?
Hermione: Sure. *Slowly opens*
Snape: 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!
Harry: I’m not coming back to Hogwarts even if it does re-open… now that Dumbledore’s gone, Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore. I’m going to look for Horcruxes, and you can’t come. It’ll put you in danger.
Hermione: You need us, Harry.
Ron: Yeah, whatever happens, Mate, we’ll be there for you.
David: Cut cut cut! could have honestly been any cheesier?
Harry: If you want the book, Hermione, you’ll have to come get it…
Hermione: No… I swore off reading… For the rest of the year, I can only read… The Daily Prophet…
Ron: You’re clearly torturing her Harry… Keep it up!
Ron: Hermione, we need to talk.
Harry: You’ve been hiding something from us.
Ron: You didn’t tell us you were a world-famous author!
Hermione: I have no idea what-
Harry: *Shows her the book*
Ron: When we told you to write a book translating all the mad things girls do so boys can understand them, we weren’t serious!
Hermione: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches? Ronald, I didn’t write that! I left it here so you might get the hint!
Harry: See, Hermione, it says right here, Harry Potter is ‘The Chosen One.’
Hermione: You wrote that in yourself. You know you can’t fool ‘The Brightest Witch of Our Age.’
Ron: *Pouting* Why do they have cool titles and I’m stuck with ‘Ginger Kid’?
— In honor of Harry Potter ‘The Musical’ —
Hermione: Harry, don’t you think you should be preparing for the First Task?
Harry: No. Can’t you just do it for me? I mean like, can’t you just prepare all of my stuff for me? What are you doing right now?
Hermione: Writing your Potions essay.
Harry: Oh, well, do that first, because it’s due tomorrow.
Harry: What’s that, Hermione? Are you reading up on the Horcruxes?
Ron: Quite the opposite, mate. She’s reading something else that has the ability to rip apart a man’s soul. Cosmo.
–Tribute to Austin Powers—
Harry: Hermione, I found a bottle of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion in your bag.
Hermione: That’s not mine.
Harry: Also, one mail-order receipt for Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, signed by Hermione Granger.
Hermione: I’m telling ya, baby, that’s not mine!
Harry: One warranty card for Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion, filled out by Hermione Granger.
Hermione: I don’t even know what this is! This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby.
Harry: And one book, Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion and Me: This sort of thing is my bag, baby by Hermione Granger.
Harry: ‘Please, Hermione, take this box of mints. Your breath isn’t exactly pumpkin juice on Christmas morning.’
Harry: I’ve finally found Nicholas Flamel!
Hermione: Big deal. I friended him on Facebook weeks ago.
Harry: Please, Hermione, explain it to me one more time.
Hermione: Okay. Twitter is the website, posts are called tweets…
Harry: So when I am twittering…
Harry: But I thought tweets were posts.
Hermione: It’s also a verb to describe the actual posting of tweets.
Harry: Ron, do you get any of this?
Ron: Don’t drag me into this conversation, mate. Whenever Hermione starts talking about tweets and twittering I have flashbacks of mental canaries.
Harry: Look at this! The yearbook’s voted me ‘most likely to give my son a stupid name.’
Ron: Will you?
Harry: I won’t give them the satisfaction. In fact, I’ve decided to name my son ‘Albus Severus Potter’ instead of ‘Finlay Brandt Patricia Screwball Moldyshorts Kitten Potter.’
Ron and Hermione: …
Daniel: Look here, there’s a cure for the swine flu in here.
Emma: That’s wonderful news, Rupert, now you’ll make a full recovery!
Rupert: Actually, guys, I just ate half this bowl of peanuts and just remembered that I’m deathly allergic to them.
Emma: *Facepalm* Is there a cure for absence of mind in there, too?
Harry: *To Hermione* ‘See, you all worry about the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters… you COULD be one of Jon and Kate’s kids…’
Hermione: What’s an eleven-letter word for self-centered loony?
Ron: Harry Potter.
Ron: No, that’s the answer. *Snickers* ‘Harry Potter.’
Harry: *Grumbling* I hate these Ministry-Made crossword puzzles…
Hermione: Hey, Harry, what’s a 3 letter word for ‘a feline, the popular pet of many wizards, which chases rats?’
Ron: Any luck with finding out about the Half-Blood Prince?
Hermione: Well, the headlines in the Prophet every day this week have been about the shocking death of the Half-Blood Prince of Pop.
Harry and Ron: ….