483 ½ Wizolympics – Day 5 Update: Bob Sledding

Welcome to Day 5 of the 2014 Sochi Wizolympics! We have a very exciting event to recap with you today: Bob Sledding.

Bob Sledding is a fan favorite event of the Wizolympics, usually garnering a crowd so large that Omnioculars are employed just so that visitors can partake in the action. This event has been known in the past for it’s cheating scandals, with many teams trying to find a way to magically enchant their sleds to either go faster or to float on the snow. Some countries have even gone so far as to buy sleds in Muggle “super stores”, as they are inexpensive and lightweight. The 399th Wizolympics saw the worst year for cheating yet, where seven teams used Polyjuice (which was outlawed the following year) to transform non-Bob participants into their neighbors who were aptly named to partake in the event. Turkey even tried sneaking in a Robert. It was a bad year for Bob Sledding.

However, the event has since flourished, and this year was no different! Nearly every country participating in the Wizolympics had riders in this event, short of Chile, Portugal, Mongolia, and, unfortunately, Belgium, due to their disqualification before the games even started. Reigning champions Austria were expected to show big on this year’s hill, while newcomers Latvia were predicted to lose bigger and harder than a hole left in the ground by fighting mountain trolls. The UK has taken home 27 medals in this event.

The teams of four get three runs on the hill, and their speed is averaged, with fastest taking the prize. Fastest time ever goes to the Poland team with .86 seconds, while the sloth like pace of Estonia is easy to beat at nearly 5:00.

First on the hill this morning was the native team from Russia; Bob Azarov, Bob Mishin, Bob Drugov, & Bob Losev. It appeared that they had commissioned a brand new sled for this year’s race, a fancy, red plastic, very Muggle-looking, sled that was apparently Dragon-lifted in from the capitol. Bob & Bob really pushed the team hard this year to work on their non-verbal communication, while Bob had them eating enchanted sparrow eggs in hopes that the team would grow tiny wings and literally fly down the hill. It seemed to work, as Bob led them to a combined time of 1.01 seconds, enough to earn them the Bronze Knut.

Next up was last year’s winning team, Austria, and their lead runner Bob Badem. Teammates Bob Eberle, Bob Schett, & Bob Groer spoke with us before their run, and when asked about how they felt going into this year’s games, Bob told us that, “We are confident. Did you see how skinny Bob is looking? I mean, he looks worse than Bob. Better than Bob, but still worse than Bob. It like he got hit with too many Jelly Leg Jinx. We have this in the Bob. Uh, I mean, bag.” It’s clear to this reporter that Bob was right, as Bob, Bob, Bob, & Bob set a new Wizolympic record of .85 seconds – which secured the Gold Galleon once again for the Austrians.

It wasn’t all leprechaun gold and amortentia today though. The Jamaicans showed up in team uniforms, with large, odd bowls strapped to their heads, and a Skrewt-sized sled with giant metal contraptions stuck to it’s bottom – and not a single player on their team was named Bob! They were immediately disqualified from the competition and removed from the stadium. It was later found out that they were Muggles with Wizard relatives who had been confunded, Imperio’d, and ordered to compete. An inquiry has been made with Department of International Magical Cooperation, the Department of Magical Games & Sports, and the Muggle Liaison office. Stayed tuned to the W.W.N. for further details.

The Swiss, a team that has never placed in Bob Sledding history, had an impressive showing this year, with a combined time of .97 seconds. When we spoke to Bob, Bob, & Bob (Bob was being cared for by Mediwizards) after their triumphant third run, Bob told us that the team had a large cheese course with their lunch, and they were propelled by um, their own flatulence. That’s not illegal in the Wizolympics, and so they secured the first Silver Sickle in Bob Sledding for Switzerland.

Wrapping up the today’s events, the USA finished in sixth place with a combined time of 1.34 seconds, beating their record from the previous Wizolympics. The Irish took fifth place in today’s competition, with a time of 1.29 seconds. We heard that Bob & Bob had consumed a bit too much Irish Firewhiskey before the event, although Bob denies the allegations, and Bob nearly jinxed my knees off when asked to comment. Rough crowd, the Irish. Previous Wizolympic and world-record holder Poland finished in fourth place with a time just one second shy of the Bronze Knut. Team captain Bob spoke with us after the results were posted, and told us to go, “Bob ourselves” – which, we aren’t exactly sure what that means…

All-in-all, a very eventful day at Firebird Stadium. Be sure to check back with the Daily Prophet & W.W.N. tomorrow for updates on Expedition: Wandless and the Troll Toss!

Reporting: Rellim Tak