Gryffindor Tower #3: Public Service Announcements

by Dan

Let’s start today with some Public Service Announcements. First off…

I AM NOT DANIEL RADCLIFFE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN DANIEL RADCLIFFE, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER, AND SHORT OF LOSING TWO HUNDRED POUNDS AND REDUCING MY AGE BY SEVEN YEARS, I WILL NEVER BE DANIEL RADCLIFFE.

Everyone got it? Good. That was spurned by this email I got, which is amazingly similar to the nine hundred other emails I got, from young ladies believing I am Dan Radcliffe:

This is supposedly Daniel Radcliffe so if you are not him, look for the delete button and click it. Thank you. Now IF YOU ARE DANIEL ALAN RADCLIFFE FROM THE HARRY POTTER SERIES 1. I love you 2. YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOO HOT HOT HOT HOT HOTHOT GORGEOUS And you prtray Harry So well I could kiss you!!! infact I want to because you seem so sweet and I love you!!! Will you be my valentine? (I’m just gonna keep randomly changing subjects so…) YOUR SOOO COOL WEN YOU SPEAL PARSELTOUNGUE I dunno but i find it unnaturally cool. You are teh perfect harry and a kick arse actor, and I love you. Ilove you (name omitted) age-12 P.S. XOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOOXOXO OXOOXOXOOXOXOXOXO and have a happy valentines day!

How I am “supposedly” Dan Radcliffe, I do not know. But I must commend this girl. Hell, she even knows his middle name. And sweetheart, the Parseltongue thing? Yeah, that’s not quite “real”, but if you say so, I can live with it. But I wonder, should a 12-year-old girl be calling a guy “hot hot hot hot hothot gorgeous”? That’s a little odd…but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Second off, I must apologize for the way some people took my comments in the last column. When I said “gay”, I meant it as an obvious turn on the word that those two idiots used the word in their emails in a frivolous fashion. If I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.

Third off, a very Happy Birthday to a very special Mugglenet Lover, Taylor. Happy Birthday!

So, what’s goin on in the news this week? Michael Gambon has taken the role of Albus Dumbledore, Michael Jackson was going to go to the Grammy Awards in the Hogwarts Express (let’s hope the children aren’t along for this ride. Hate to hear about Jacko waving around his “magic wand”).

Prisoner of Azkaban has begun production, which is great to hear. I wonder if Alfonso Cuaron is up to the challenge. Already we’ve seen a loss of Hogwarts, so to speak; Gloucester Cathedral, the beautiful setting of the last two HP films, has been scrapped, although there is talk of it being reprised in the Goblet of Fire movie, which will be directed again by Chris Columbus. What do you all think of Cuaron? He is internationally renowned for Y Tu Mama Tambien, but that’s a different story. A dark, sexual satire that pokes everything from politics to fart jokes, and one must wonder what baggage and mindset Cuaron is carrying into this movie. The jokes that Harry and Ron might be caught playing doctor in the seventh floor tower haven’t fallen on deaf ears; Cuaron is openly criticized by top Hollywood officials as being to dark to direct Dan, Emma, Rupert, and the rest of the kids in this movie. Only time will tell, but with Cuaron’s amazing adaptive ability, a great extended cast (Gambon, Thewlis, and Oldman, to name a few), and the return of all of our favorites (Rickman, Smith, Grint, Radcliffe, Watson), don’t be surprised to see a trip to Hogwarts like you’ve never experienced before.

So, this has gone nowhere today. Don’t worry, I am not that lazy: next time, I’m working on a study of Ron and Hermione’s relationship throughout GoF, to hopefully shine a little more light on the subject and the future of those two lovebirds. But for now, I guess a news recap was in order. Speaking of, an idea for all of you is to plan aChamber of Secrets party for the weekend after April 11th. Get together with your friends, get some food, the DVD, and have a great two and a half hours. I already planned mine; Dan Radcliffe is coming. After all, everyone thinks I’m him, I wouldn’t be surprised if people walk up to him and say, “Hey, aren’t you that amazing Mugglenet writer, Dan Hoppel Jr.?” And we all know what he says.

He says yes. And don’t act surprised. You would say yes too. Heh.

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