The Magic Quill #28: A Break for Station Identification

by Robbie Fischer

The Magic Quill will return in a bit. Until then, hold tight for a moment of station identification and a word from our commercial sponsors!

You are tuned in to the Wizarding Wireless Network, broadcasting at a frequency of 14 zillion spells per second. Heard by listeners in 73 countries and dominions, with and without translating spells. Programming is paid for, in part, by a grant from the Goblin Relations Council, dedicated to improving the public image of goblins, no matter how many galleons it takes. Further support comes from contributions from listeners such as Kermit Strange of Down Minky, who celebrated his one hundred and twelfth birthday on Friday.

Tune in this weekend for the all-Balkan dragon rodeo, hosted by the first voice in wyrm sports, Bob Roastas! Twelve daring young wizards will risk flame, horn, fang, and claw to compete for this year’s title. Only one will win—how many will survive? Don’t miss the roaring, snorting, stamping action from eight to ten Saturday and Sunday!

The members of the Long Soaking Witches’ Auxiliary remind you to contibute your old costume jewelry, knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and lightweight keepsakes that you no longer need to keep, to their ongoing Useless Junk Drive for the Muggle War Effort. Just leave any stuff you won’t miss in an upturned flower-pot on your back doorsill, and a collection broom will come by before dawn tomorrow. As you know, even the most neglected articles accrue a bit of magical virtue after many years in a wizarding home, and the Auxiliary believes a little magical leakage can create a good luck charm for the boys overseas. The poor chaps need all the luck they can get, bless them.

The Chudley Cannons’ Booster Club of Weevilborough and the proprietors of the Double-Ended Newt Inn wish to invite anyone who wishes to join them for a pre-game party on Sunday afternoon, followed by a chance to watch the Cannons’ upcoming match against Pride of Portree on a state-of-the-art, magical magnifying mirror. For the forty-seventh year running, Mr. and Mrs. Lilys Cummings offer a free round of Ogden’s Best Firewhisky to everyone in the house in the event of a Chudley win. Remember, folks, bring a pinch of Floo Powder, because apparating or flying under the influence is no way to travel!

Hey, you. You know I’’m talking to you. Do you have any idea what the Magic Quill should write next? Send a short summary of your story idea to the Magic Quill, care of Robbie, thru MuggleNet’’s feedback form! Remember, it can be about anything going on in the wizarding world EXCEPT stuff that may or may not happen in the upcomingHarry Potter books. Robbie is particularly interested in finding out what stories the other characters may have to tell, besides Spanky. Endora is a total mystery at this point. Harvey seems to have a lot going on in the background. Can anyone clue us in?

Have you noticed that hygiene activities take up more and more of your time? Is all the bathing, hand-washing, tooth-scrubbing, shampooing, and deodorizing taking up time that would be better spent degnoming your garden or taking your broomstick for a spin? Now there’s a line of products made just for you! It’s Scads-O-Suds! Yes, friend, there’s no reason why you should have to brush and floss two or three times a day. With Scads-O-Suds Seven-Day, Self-Flossing Whitener, you can have a week of sweet breath, sparkling choppers, and healthy gums without all the brushing! Simply swish a mouthful of Scads-O-Suds in your mouth for thirty seconds, spit and rinse, and Scads-O-Suds will do all the work for you while you enjoy yourself! And why go through a cake of soap every week when you only need to spritz yourself with Scads-O-Suds Full-Body Atomizer? It’s stronger than your pong. A little mist will have you smelling like a rose for a fortnight! And what about all that dirty work in the garden, or the grease in the shed? Sick of getting yelled at because you dirtied Mum’s hand towel when you went inside to wash? No worries! Just rub a little Scads-O-Suds Powdered Glove on your hands, and shake the filth off. Rub your horrid mitts together and behold! Your skin is as baby-smooth and clean as if you had just had a manicure! And finally, wouldn’t you rather go out with the lad than stay at home on Friday night washing your hair? Put on the Scads-O-Suds Thaumacoiffe Nightcap, and it will shampoo, condition, and perfectly arrange your hair while you sleep! Available in straight, curly, crimped, and braided varieties, and your choice of wicked hair colors!

Don’t miss it! This week only, we’re having a zero-down, zero-interest-for-six-months, inventory clearance sale at Ted Murgatroyd’’s Used Broom Shed, corner of Diagon Alley and Leroy’s Mews. Choose from the brands you trust, including an impressive collection of low-milage, barely-flown brooms owned by an elderly stalker of the renowned former Holyshead Harpies keeper Veronica Wandwright. The poor fellow had to give them up for bottom dollar when Ms. Wandwright obtained a beak’s order forbidding him to send her anymore presents that had twigs in them. Also, take advantage of the rare savings resulting from the bankruptcy auction of Ms. Livonia Frocksnapper’s Finishing School for Magically Gifted Young Ladies, Britain’s most recent attempt to rival Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which went toes-up after a ninth consecutive year in which there weren’t enough students in the school to field a regulation Quidditch team. Oakshafts! Moontrimmers! Swift Sticks! Shooting Stars! Tinderblasts! Comets! Cleansweeps! Silver Arrows! We even have a few non-Besom-type brooms, enchanted for flying by some of the broom-engineering industry’s most adventurous talents! Beat the crowd. Buy from Murgatroyd’s before the holidays, and we’ll throw in a twig-sharpener free of charge! Now you’re flying!

Next week on WWN, tune in each night at eleven o’clock and hear Nasal Drip’s farewell tour, recorded live at the Hog’s Head! Second only to their smashing Debut Tour last year, this band’s sheer loudness will thrill every nerve ending, and their lyrics will sear your soul! Freak out to such wild songs as “I’m Not Your House Elf,” “Go Put a Hex On Somebody Else This Time,” “Did a Doxy Bite You or Did You Always Look That Way?,” and the Daily Prophet best-selling musical spell of the year, “A Pox On You and the Thestral You Rode In On.” Get your handkerchief out for the soulful ballads, such as “I Thought You Were a Hag Until You Turned Around,” and “Is This Love, or Have I Been Breathing Too Much Mugwort Smoke?” And sing along to their immortal hits, “You Only Love Me The Way a Niffler Would,” “They Snapped My Wand But They Can’t Take My Bagpipes Away,” and “Werewolf Scratch Boogie.” And if you listen to each night’s program, you may hear your name drawn as the winner of one of only fifty free tickets to hear Nasal Drip’s final concert at the Leaky Cauldron, followed by an exclusive one-time offer of a memory charm to help you forget their music.

Finally, before we return to our regularly scheduled program, remember: if you don’’t like the Magic Quill, you have a chance to make it better. And if you do like it, you can help keep it going. Send your ideas to Robbie, don’t be shy!

What happens next? Send us your idea in 150 words or less, and tune in next week for another installment of the Magic Quill.