by Vicki Howard

As many will attest, a large percentage of HP fans are adults. But it is the kids who are the lucky benefactors of so many wonderful HP playthings. Adult fans have gravitated in droves to various web sites looking to satisfy their need to “play.” We deserve even more, don’’t we? Don’’t adult fans deserve a day away from the trappings of parenthood, professions, etc? A place where they can relax, spend time with other adults of similar interests and just play?

The creative members of the “Real Discussions of all the Books” thread usually spend their time hashing out the latest theories, but recently one idea sparked a whirlwind of suggestions. Numerous posts offered various activities that could be included in an adult “play place”: an HP theme park. Wouldn’’t that be somewhere you’d like to visit, too?

Well, just look into our Pensieve, we’ll take you there…

“Hoggywarts: Where Adults Can Be Kids Again!” (alternate name: Hoggyworld)

A. Platform 9 and 3/4

The entrance to this extraordinary HP theme park would be, of course, a gateway labeled ““9 3/4.” But before enjoying the park itself, our guests would be directed to first visit four very special rooms:

1. The “1st years” door leads to…

“Pigletwarts.” Those guests who were unable to leave their cute, little “trappings” at home will be directed to the daycare center. The youngsters will experience a “Potions”-themed curriculum: mixing up custom paint colors, salt doughs, etc., as well as tasty concoctions for snack time. They are sure to enjoy riding our mini “Pigletwarts Express” train and “1st years Over Here” boat rides. (Ms. Rowling’s children stay for free, of course!) Children and their parents will receive matching identifying marks on their left arms to avoid any unpleasantries when the children are collected at the end of the day.

2. The “2nd years” door leads to…

“The Great Hall.” Everyone comes here on their first visit to get sorted into a House. Guests sit on one of our 3-legged stools, don a Sorting Hat, and take the personality quiz to get sorted into one of the four Houses.

3. The “3rd years” door leads to the …

“Common Rooms.” Guests are escorted by their House Prefects to their Common Room and receive their school uniforms. Their names will be listed in the “”Hoggywarts Book of Records” under “House Rolls,” so sorting upon their next visit will not be necessary. (Unless they’’d like to “re-sort” for the chance to be put into any other House but Slytherin, again.)

4. The “4th years” door leads to…

“The Room of Requirement.” Guests will be given a park map that includes the locations of each activity and shop available at “Hoggywarts.” They will choose their wands based on core/wand wood, and they may select wizarding hats to wear if they so choose. All manner of wizard wear is available to add to the basic school uniform. We also offer “Wizard’’s Wedding,” “Knockturn Alley,” and “Vivacious Veela” collections. Guests may have pictures taken at the “Fabulous Me” Photo Studio . (Glamour shots cost extra).

After passing years 1 thru 4, guests achieve 5th year status. Upon subsequent visits to “Hoggywarts,” guests are not required to visit rooms 1 thru 4 unless they so choose. They will leave their Muggle cares and mid-life crises behind them. It’’s time to be a kid again. 5th years may now choose which of the “13 Tasks of Hoggywarts” they’d like to attempt. After completing 7 of the 13 tasks, guests achieve 6th year status. Completion of all 13 tasks affords the guest 7th year status. All guests must proceed to the “Tasks” area and step over the “Hoggywarts Age Line” where identifications are checked, and then they enter the “Tasks” area…

B. The 13 Tasks of Hoggywarts

We prophesy that our guests will truly enjoy participating in each of the tasks we’’ve conjured for them. Points are earned and deducted for their House according to the outcomes of their participation. The following is the list of “tasks” available at “Hoggywarts” for 5th years and above to attempt:

1. “Crazy Canon Quotes.”

Our HP knowledge test. Guests determine which statements are canon (from either the series or an actual JKR quote) and which statements are movie contaminations. For each wrong answer, our Stinksap cannon will fire upon the test-taker and points will be deducted.

2. “Hagrid’s Amazing Maze.”

Use our “Meandering Map” to take a stroll through our special maze. Pick up a cauldron and fill it with the required items shown on the Map. Be careful of the various obstacles placed in your path and be sure the giant hills you climb really are hills!

3. “Arcade Alley.”

Our most popular games are “Whack-a-Goyle,” “Mash-a-Malfoy, and “Crack-a-Crabbe.” But we will absolutely, positively, never offer “Whack-a-Bluebird.”) And be assured that, due to lack of popularity, “Guess the Cauldron Thickness” will soon be replaced by “Pop Percy’’s Bighead.”

4. “Fudge’’s Fudging.”

Take this quiz and guess which of his stories are truths, half-truths, or pure fabrications to support his own agenda. Extra points given if scores are over 112%.

5. “Karaoke Kerfuffle.”

As a famous Headmaster once said, “Everyone pick their favorite tune” and “music is a magic beyond all we do here.” We have staging complete with mics, mirror ball, strobe lights, and costumes so guests may belt out the School song or their WWN favorites. (Beware that “Weasley is Our King,” 1st version, is banned). At “Bell Canto Croakers” guests squeeze the toads to croak out songs. Points will be taken if songs are not whimsical and Dungbombs may be thrown. “Open Mic Nite” is Sundays and local comedians are especially encouraged to include jokes that begin with “A troll, a hag, and a leprechaun…”

6. “Metamorphmagus You?”

Our cute, young “witch” attendant will guide guests through our simulators where they can “try on” different hairstyles, hair-coloring, noses, etc. (Again, photos extra.)

7. “Quidditch Pitch.”

Our most advanced simulator experience! Guests assume positions on their House’’s team and must wear their House’’s Quidditch uniforms. Those guests who enjoy this task may want to consider joining our “”Quidditch Muggle League.” Sign up is at registration desk. Be advised that the first game of the season is on Halloween in conjunction with the Annual Unity Feast (more details on the Feast to follow).

8. “Potter’’s Paintball.”

Take a few shots at unpopular characters such as Peeves, Filch, Snape, Lucius, Fudge and Draco. The most popular unpopular character is Dolores Umbridge or, as we affectionately call her, “Toadbridge.”

9. “Moldy Voldy and More.”

Our food-fight task with various targets of Lord Voldemort and his followers. Lots of disgusting, rotten items to throw. The green “dragon steaks” and “slimy slugs” are most popular.

10. “You’’re an Animal.”

True natures will be revealed using our Animagus simulators. (Again, photos cost extra but no refunds given if Animagus turns out to be a cockroach, or some other undesirable.)

11. “Beware the Boggart.”

A revealing, simulator activity that may be different each time it’s experienced, as a person’s fears often change. Instant shots at the point of “Riddikulus” will record guest’s’ use of humor to banish the Boggart. (Photos cost extra).

12. “Patronus Place.”

Our dark and mysterious “shooting gallery” task, where a guest’’s Patronus is simulated as they fight off Dementors.

13. “OMGWT*HP Paddocks” and “Whomping Willow-Maker.”

This task is only for our most adventurous guests. The faint of heart may want to skip this task unless they are desirous of becoming a 7th year; then they must successfully complete this task. It is a high-flying “horsey” ride using our special simulators of Hippogriffs and Thestrals. (Points taken if guests get “Buckbeak”-ed off.) The “Willow-maker” is only for the brave of heart. Rest assured though, guests can go to “Poppy’’s Pampering” if feeling rather green or in case of minor injury. Our on-site nurse will offer tender, loving care in our surgically clean Infirmary.

C. The Hogsmeade Shoppes

After participating in our exciting tasks, guests will enjoy visiting our own version of Hogsmeade. “The Hogsmeade Shoppes” include a theater, library, restaurant, and spa. You will also find the loos here. The following is a list of our attractions:

1. “Sinistra’s Cinema.”

Our very own “North Tower” is a seven-story multiplex! Every HP movie has been re-produced by fanatical fans dedicated to canon. The lobby is located on the ground floor. Theater 1 on the first floor, is decorated in the spirit of Movie 1, as are all the other floors respective to the movie of the same numeral. All movies are shown simultaneously and continually day and night.

2. “Madam Pince’’s Media Center.”

An extensive collection of the wizarding titles mentioned in the series as well as other “Muggle guides” are available at our very own library. Many of these wonderful books are available for purchase at “Reprints are Us” Bookstore located on the first level. Note: Due to questions of authenticity, we’’ve temporarily banned the Lockhart series.

3. “Prefect’s Perfection.”

Visit Our luxurious spa and our own “Madam Pomfrey” masseuse will be available to administer the “Hoggywarts” version of “Dr. Ubbly’s Oblivious Unction” to forget middle age worries and smooth out wrinkles!

4. “Godric’’s Grill.”

Guests will eventually find themselves in need of some refreshments and maybe a little relief. A satisfying feast can be had at this wizarding-world renowned restaurant. Only the finest cuts of meats are seared to “dragon-breath” perfection for our guests. Butterbeers are complimentary for anyone daring enough to order our 64 oz “dragon steak.” “Flobberworm’’s Fodder,” our glorious salad bar, is popular among those watching their sugars, carbs, and cholesterol–or just in need of more fiber. The doors marked “Moaning Myrtle” and “Scar Head”” are the “Hoggywarts” bathrooms for women and men, respectively.

D. Wizardry Wonderments

After our guests are properly fed and watered, they are encouraged to visit one last part of “Hoggywarts.” Every corner of this magical place is filled to bursting with the highest quality wizarding souvenirs. Search every corner of this extraordinary shop!

1. “Sprout’’s Herb and Flower Corner.”

Here guests will find the mundane foliage referred to in canon such as Cabbage, Daisy, Ginger, Holly, and Sage. Special release forms must be signed if you choose to purchase poisonous plants such as Aconite or Belladona. Our herbologists are feverishly working on the development of species that resemble HP magical plants: Puffapod, Venomous Tentacula, and, especially, Mimbulus Mimbletonia. (We think that MM will prove to be a very interesting plant!)

2. “Weaselbee’s Bemusement Corner.”

Dungbombs, Wild-Fire Whiz-bang Firecrackers, Wizard Crackers, Crystal Balls, fake Wands, Belching powder, and Lunascopes are just a sampling of the inventive items offered here. Exploding Snap, Wizard’s Chess, and Gobstone tournaments are offered every weekend! Charm Club and other societies meet off premises. Send the organizers an “owl” (Hoggywarts’ owl-shaped postcard) if you desire more information.

3. “Potions & Notions Corner.”

Exotic offerings to bewitch the senses and ensnare the mind. Even non-HP spouses will be entranced by our sensational cologne, potpourri, and body splashes, to name just a few of our wonderful, pampering products. The jewelry display offers the finest in Emerald, Ruby, and Moonstone rings, brooches, and amulets.

4. “Jo’’s Corner.”

Our quaint little coffee shop for guests to enjoy “cuppas” and relax upon comfy cushions as they peruse their literary selections or participate in thought-provoking debates of the latest, canon-supported speculations. Scheduled appearances by Ms. Rowling will be announced soon. Seating will be limited on these occasions, so be sure to register early. Your username, password, confirmed password, email address, and confirmed email address will be required. “Jo’’s” is located right next to “Pigletwarts.” Be sure and pick up the kids before you visit the last corner of “Wizardry Wonderments.”

5. “Albus’’ Affinities Corner.”

Our candy store! It includes all the delicious delights Ms. Rowling has created. (But we’’ve skipped the Blood Lollipops and the Cockroach Clusters!) And yes, we know that this is the 5th “corner” of “Wizardry Wonderments””…after all, this IS a magical place!

At the end of the day, just like at Hogwarts, everyone returns to their House Common Room and retires up to the dormitories. There, guests will find trunks into which they are asked to pack their wands, school uniforms and wizard wear. Then it’’s time for our guests to return to the Muggle world with “Potter-filled” hearts and new HP friendships to tide them over until they can re-enter the Potterverse again.

“Remember My Last” Howler Invitations for the Unity Feast.

Each Halloween, guests are invited to return to “Hoggywarts” for our Annual Unity Feast and the start of our Quidditch season. To our newcomers, welcome. To our old hands––welcome back. We gather together each year to remember that “we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” We can fight discord and enmity “only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.”

The Pensieve scenes of Hoggywarts swirl into whirls of silvery images, returning our visitors back to MuggleNet.

But do not despair, everyone is welcome to join us in this imaginative world even if you cannot visit “Hoggywarts” again–simply open a HP book.

Thank you for your kind attention to this offering. We hope that readers have enjoyed this excursion into the “Real Discussions” Pensieve– inspired by a group of dedicated fans brought together from around the world through the amazing works of Ms. Rowling.