The Magic Quill #61: A Chat with Ed, Ned, and Tip

by Robbie Fischer

BO: Testing, testing. Excellent! This is Bo Dwyer, feature writer for Broomstick and Wand. Welcome to my new program on the Wizarding Wireless Network, where anything at all could happen, but it would have to happen pretty #### fast to get past the ######## censor! But let’s get to the point. Today I have an exciting program for you! Back under one roof again for the first time in, oh, months and months, it’s Nasal Drip! Yes, folks, it’s none other than the edgy, angry musical trio whose last album was actually a collection of solo tracks by each member of the band, strung together—

NED: By a court order, actually.

BO: Yes, I believe that all three of you sued the studio to keep your songs in separate solo albums, but the studio claimed that they would have gone bankrupt trying to sell such things.

TIP: Well, yeh, bu’ vey ‘ad no righ’ makin’ out as we wuz a band, divvey?

BO: I’m not sure what you just said, but it certainly does seem that being on the same side of a legal process, for once, rather brought the three of you together again.

ED: Anyway, it was our worst-selling album ever. A record. Went “lead” in two days flat.

BO: That’s a piece of history none of us will forget! Er. Hem. So, at least it was cheaper to produce than your precious album, which, as I recall, the studio had to sync together by magic from separately recorded tracks, because…

TIP: Cuz we ‘ad a restrainin’ order on each ovver, like.

NED: Not that I’m addressing the gent, but you can remind ‘im for me that it was us as ‘ad a restrainin’ order on ‘im, since that little incident with the flamin’ broomstick…

BO: Truly, your relationship with each other is a model for all the angry youth in the wizarding world. Now, help me please, to get your names straight for once. You’re…

NED: Ned Smith, an’ this is Tip Smith, and this ‘ere is Ed Smith.

BO: All of you are Edward Smith, then?

NED: I dunno abou’ them, but I am. Are they really? Cor! How do you like tha’? An’ no relation or anythin’!

ED: My surname is spelled with an “I,” not a “Y.”

TIP: And mine isn’t, is it?

NED: That’s what I’m sayin’. Who knew?

TIP: Lot of name copiers, you are.

ED: You would say that, bein’ the youngest!

TIP: We’ll, you’re old enough to know better, then.

NED: I wasn’t when me parents had me christened!

TIP: There you go, always havin’ an excuse.

BO: Now hold on. You’ve been together, so to speak, for how long?

ED: Seven years.

BO: And you just now found out each others’ names?

ED: We have pet names for each other, see.

NED: Yeh, that one’s ######## and he’s #####-####.

ED: Don’ forget, you’re the great ### ####### of ##########.

NED: You know, if you would pronounce it right, they wouldn’t have to censor it.

ED: Who says I don’t pronounce it right?

NED: Why, you…

BO: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! And you, too, sir! Compose yourselves. We still have an interview to conduct. All right, then, where’s the next page of my…ah. So, er, Tip, what role does each of you play in this band?

TIP: Well, I’m the drummer, like, an’ Ned there plays percussion, and Ed more or less bangs on things.

BO: I see.

NED: Ed is banned from buying or possessing a guitar in most counties now.

BO: Does he smash such a lot of them?

NED: Well, not smash them, as such. But when he’s had a few too many…

TIP: He just got out of a program for billywig abuse, you know…

NED: He puts unbreakable charms on them, sometimes, and bashes away at the walls and floor regardless…

TIP: One time he used a pneuma’ic drill on a Fender.

NED: And that one screaming hex in Henchurch really brought the house down…

BO: Well, Ed, have you nothing to say to this?

ED: Not to be smug, Bo, bu’ the nigh’ we played in Bunghampton did set a record for the highes’ incidence of Silencio, Quietus, and Muffliato spells within a square mile in one nigh’.

TIP: The Daily Prophet referred to our second Farewell Tour as “auditory suicide.”

BO: Oh. Right. On to the next question. This one’s for Ed. What inspired you to put aside a future in magical methods of music performance, and to make do with mostly Muggle means?

ED: Blimey, you would have to ask such a sticky one, wouldn’ you? It’s like this, though. None of us go’ any O.W.L.s. We had to leave Hogwarts after our fifth year…

TIP: Actually, it was me seventh.

ED: What I meant to say is, after our O.W.L. year.

NED: I think what Ed is sayin’, Bo, is that we wuz all impressed by the powers music had in common wiv magic…the power to alter people’s feelin’s, to make the sun seem brighter, the night seem darker…

TIP: Fish seem wetter…

NED: The power to change the way time flows, and to express truths that canno’ be put into words, like.

ED: But above all, we went into music for the witches, the potions, and the galleons.

TIP: Or in your case, the knuts, mutts, and…

BO: WHERE’S OUR CENSOR when you need him!? All right, one last question! And this one’s for Ned. If there was one song, on any of your albums, that you could go back and write all over again, which would it be?

NED: Well, I had a great time writin’ “I Won’t Curse You Till the Sun Comes Up…”

ED: You muttonhead, that’s not what he meant.

BO: Well, it hardly matters now. What made that song so much fun to write?

NED: Well, there was this ####, who we met in Perth that one time they gave us the key to the city before our gig in Liverpool, only the key was a portkey, and the city it was a portkey to was in Australia…and anyway, this #### was there when we landed, and she said to me, ###, why don’t we ###### these ####### and go down to the ##### and get us some ######, #### and ###########? Well, ####, mate, I wasn’ abou’ to turn down an offer like that. But the next day…

BO: Actually, now that I hear a bit of it, I’m with Ed. Let’s see how he answers the question.

ED: What song would I write over from scratch? It would have to be “Look What Fell Out of the Stupid Tree.”

BO: Really?

ED: Really. If I had realized, back then, that I was writing one of the best-selling songs in the history of Cauldron Punk, I would have been a little more careful with the lyrics, you see.

BO: What was wrong with them? Didn’t they rhyme?

TIP: Rhyme was the only thing they did. How many different words did you use in that song?

ED: About fourteen, I think.

NED: Eighteen, if you count spelling variations as separate words.

TIP: I’ll tell you why it was so successful, Bo.

ED: Hey! Not one more word!

TIP: There’s a bowel-loosening incantation worked into that song.

ED: You shut it! I swear, if that big man outside the door hadn’t taken my wand…

TIP: An’ doctors prescribe listenin’ to it to their patients as have fallen afoul of U-No-Poo and such.

NED: Ed always found it so liberating…we only dared to sing it right before the intermission…

ED: But the words are so stupid, they drive me crazy! I could have done much better now.

TIP: Your spelling has improved, but your spell-work hasn’t.

ED: Oi! Tha’ wuz personal, tha’ wuz!

NED: Listen to him, he’s starting to sound like Tip.

TIP: He’s what? Hark, who’s talking, Mr. “They Won’t Believe We’re a Punk Band if We Don’t Sound East End…”

NED: Sound East End? Ha! I’ve never heard such a load of fakery since I…

BO: Well, that’s about all the time we have for…hey, put that table down. Ouch! What did you do that for? Help!

ED: You ##### fool, Ned, that’s not how you do it. See all the little pieces? You’re supposed to put an unbreakable charm on it first, THEN…

BO: Ow! Ow!!! HELP!

VOICE: Stupefy! Impedimenta!

NED: #######!

TIP: Look out, you ####! You almost ####### my…!

VOICE: Stupefy! Expelliarmus! Petrificus Totalis!

TIP: Ow! You ###### of a ###!

VOICE: Stupefy!

BO: Groan.

VOICE: Oops. Well, folks, this is your censor, reminding you to tune in next week for another installment of The Magic Quill! And please, don’t be a ####–send Robbie your idea for what should happen next!

What happens next? Send us your idea in 150 words or less, and tune in next week for another installment of the Magic Quill.

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