The U-Bend #39: Messing With Muggles
by Andrew Lee and Robert Lanto
“So the challenge is now yours. What is the best wizarding trick you can think of to annoy Muggles?”
–The U-Bend #24 — Do Not Collect $200
A long time ago we asked you to submit ways that a wizard could annoy Muggles (this is of the non-street destroying/killing type), since it gets us out of writing a proper article. Well, the time has come to post your responses and a couple ideas of our own. We were pleased with the response and maybe in the future we’ll do this again (but with something else).
Except for the naturally clumsy
Well, if you want to annoy Muggles like the Dursleys, you could make it so that when they walk into a room/store/anywhere the entire place becomes a mess. For example, if a Muggle walked into a grocery store, everything on the shelves would have to fall off and spill.
The truth is out there
How about create something that looks like a flying saucer and put an illusion charm on it but take it off right when a Muggle (one Muggle) can have a good look at it. Then when they run off to go find someone to show put the charm back on it so the Muggle seems like they were seeing things or they’re crazy! That must explain UFO sightings. Also, you could also ride on your broomstick in the middle of the night and cut designs into tall grass. When the Muggles see these “crop circles” they can’t explain them.
Since Muggle men already can’t remember everything on the shopping list
One one of the best tricks a wizard could do to Muggles would be to put the Fidelius Charm on other peoples’ homes. They come home from work and suddenly they don’t know where home is.
Hate to see what happens during property tax time
…take a VERY annoying Muggle (hmm…The Dursleys anyone?) and move their house an inch or so a day. They will think they are going crazy after a week when they see how much their front lawn has grown in size, and how the patio ‘seemed’ to shrink. They wouldn’t know what’s going on and try to ignore it.
That’s why I never find my notes
Multiply any piece of paper that you have in your backpack to into a hundred pieces of paper.
That’s what we were thinking too
Making a spell that when you use it will make all Windows computers go to the dreaded blue error screen. Or is that one around already because it happens so many times?
Lights on because somebody’s home
I think a great way to annoy Muggles would be to put a spell on the light switch in their bedroom that would sense big movements (say someone walking around) in the room and if there wasn’t any, turn the light on. Perfect for keeping those sleepy Muggles awake at night and keeping them annoyed for the rest of the time.
Herbie’s meaner cousin
Place charms on our autos so now they have an attitude like Kit in Knight Rider.
Now that’s just cruel…
Thankfully no one pulled this off… I personally think the most annoying thing the wizards could do to the Muggles at this point is magically erase the end of all the copies of HBP. Imagine reading the entire book, and just at the most suspenseful part of the climax, right before we find out the identity of the secret villain and who dies and the escape from the Death Eaters, the words stop mid-sentence, and the rest of the pages are magically white-ed out.
Just go in the corner
Placing Muggle repelling charms on public bathrooms (sports arenas, concert halls and movie theaters) would be particularly amusing
The Cleverest Plan (or someone put a lot of thought into this one)
I would naively suggest that Muggles’ entire way of life can be significantly disrupted by screwing with their money all around the globe. Why not send an assault force of leprechauns in areas where the gold used for currency standards is kept, like Fort Knox or somewhere in South Africa? The objective would be to mix in a bunch of leprechaun gold (fashioned in bricks or krugerrands) with the real gold? Blind greed of Muggles may facilitate this plan’s effectiveness (look at Vernon Dursley!). This subtle influx of fake gold has the potential to cause the artificial inflation and eventual ruin of entire financial infrastructures worldwide. The obvious problem would be why there is “extra gold” amassing itself in these places, then explaining where it went. But whoever said Muggles were observant? Or quick-witted, for that matter?
So, those were some of your ideas on how to annoy Muggles. Our idea: Post a series of fan-submitted e-mails in response to one of our questions and not produce a new article this time around.