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“Cell Block Tango”: Azkaban Style

by · Published · Updated

Here are seven reasons why Harry Potter can substitute really well for the musical Chicago’s song “Cell Block Tango.” And you know Bellatrix would be leading this whole thing as a means to force Voldemort to love her. So without further ado… THE SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU *insert Miley Cyrus guitar riff*. Just kidding. It’s the seven parallels that could work between Harry Potter and “Cell Block Tango.” 🙂

  1. Severus Snape is Velma Kelly. No one can argue that, especially substituting Cicero for Godric’s Hollow and the fact that Lily and James got together despite Severus’s wishes. And that he basically led Lily and James to their deaths, having a huge responsibility in it, though he didn’t exclusively kill them like Velma did with her sister and her husband. (There’s a few discrepancies between Snape and Velma but eeeehhhhh!)
  2. Lily and James were NOT doing number 17. They were doing number 7: “Expecto Patronum.” (They appear to be true soulmates based on the way their Patronuses appear, versus Snape, whose Patronus is just a copy of the girl he loves, indicating his obsession with her. And number 7 because 7 is the most powerfully magical number.)
  3. Fleur, though French, would be that Hungarian girl, a.k.a. “Uh uh,” the innocent one. Rock on, Fleur, for being “not guilty!”
  4. Oh, yeah, and instead of a hanging, Fleur would get a Dementor’s Kiss. (Never mind about “rock on.” Sorry, Fleur. Feel free to substitute Barty Crouch, Jr. instead, though that was a big mistake on Cornelius Fudge’s part because then there was no evidence on Voldemort’s return, and Fudge wasted a year targeting the wrong people. Not that I’m upset about that or anything.)
  5. Hermione is “Pop” because Ron eats too much with his mouth open, and that’s a little like popping gum, isn’t it? “You CHOMP that food one more time… and… he did.”
  6. “Squish” is our very own Molly Weasley because she would be making dinner if Arthur came home in a rage (though the two are much too in love to even really partake in something like “Cell Block Tango”; let’s ship them forever <3).
  7. Who doesn’t want to hear Ginny yell “SINGLE MY BROOMTAIL” about Harry?