Dear Severus

I have been informed by Dumbledore that I should make an effort to become more approachable to students, and as such, he has thrust upon me the pointless task of answering your idiotic letters with advice and wisdom. I doubt there’s even one among you dunderheads capable of retaining it, though.

Dear Severus,

I came to this school to learn, but almost every year, there’s some ridiculous event, usually involving Harry Potter, that disrupts everything! I just want to study, not get Petrified or forced to watch some stupid Tournament. How do I make it stop?

Disgruntled Ravenclaw

I share your distaste for Mr. Potter and his antics. Unfortunately, it seems the only way to bring a permanent end to them is with Mr. Potter’s death, and I have been informed that as a teacher it is actually my duty to ensure the brat survives. Regarding your studying, though, you might find the book Most Potente Poisons to be of interest.

Dear Severus,

How do you get your hair so greasy? I can never get mine to be that flat and oily.

Hair Scare

Detention, for a whole month. I may not know who you are at the moment, but I assure you, I am more than capable of finding out.

Dear Severus,

I’ve been in love with this girl for what seems like forever now, but she’s never seen me as more than a friend, and recently, she started dating someone else. How do I get over her?

Broken-Hearted

The world is an unfair and cruel place. I suggest you get used to it. Personally, though, I recommend getting over her by taking revenge on the one who stole her from you. I certainly know a number of ways to get back at arrogant, self-absorbed bastards like-

Sorry, Dumbledore here! I’m afraid I must cut dear Severus off on this letter. My advice is to retain your friendship and let the feelings fade with time. Best of luck!

Dear Severus,

I’ve tried out for the Slytherin Quidditch team every year I’ve been eligible but have always been told that there was no room on the team. But when Malfoy came along, in only his second year, he gets let on immediately? I know his father’s rich, but that doesn’t make up for the blatant favoritism!

Seeking Justice

It is not favoritism, as I had nothing to do with Mr. Malfoy’s position. He presented himself and his skills to Mr. Flint, and it was Mr. Flint who agreed to take him on. If you have any complaints, take it up with him. Also, quite frankly, if you were so unable to make a positive impression upon the team after multiple attempts, you are unlikely to have any true skill at the blasted sport.

Dear Severus,

I’ve been having a lot of trouble in Potions lately. I keep getting nervous and blowing the cauldrons up. What should I do?

Unfortunate Brewer

Longbottom, I know it’s you. Cease your complaining about your pathetic lack of talent or your toad will become a permanent test subject.