Things That Make Me Glad to Be a Muggle
We all want to be a wizard. That’s a sentiment that’s been expressed many times. But as much as I love the world of Harry Potter, there are a few things that make me glad to be a Muggle.
1. No one tries to kill me during my finals.
Sure, my teachers might try to metaphorically, but no one’s ever literally tried to kill me. Finals season is already stressful enough. I don’t want to imagine having to juggle death threats on top of that. I don’t know how the Ravenclaws make it through, given that they see schoolwork as such a high priority.
2. I will never have to deal with giant snakes and spiders.
Sure, there are some large snakes and spiders in the Muggle world, but Acromantulas and basilisks are far, far worse. I’ll take black widows and rattlesnakes over them any day. I can kill those with a shoe and a shovel. It’s a little harder to deal with their magical counterparts.
3. Messing up an assignment will not damage me/my things/my pet.
I might get upset about it, but I won’t have Splinched myself or permanently transfigured my favorite pen or poisoned my pet. Homework in the wizarding world can be pretty hazardous. No wonder Harry and Ron liked to complain about school.
4. My school sport doesn’t involve risk of death.
Yes, you can get a concussion playing football. Yes, you can break something playing soccer. But regardless of which sport you play, it’s pretty unlikely you’ll end up falling hundreds of feet through the air. Nor will I mysteriously vanish for a few months and end up in Egypt.
5. I don’t need to pronounce a place to travel there.
I have butchered so many names in my life, but I was still able to purchase tickets to fly there. All I had to do was type the name into Google. If I had to travel by Floo powder, I end up trying to go to Weimar and end up in Walmart. That’s not really my idea of a fun vacation.
6. My parents can’t send me a Howler.
My parents can yell at me for making a mistake at school. But to do so, they have to call me and I can take that call privately. With a Howler, though, my failures would be laid out for all the world to see. Talk about public humiliation. Why would anyone even invent those?
7. I don’t have to go on a roller coaster to get my money.
I love a good roller coaster. I think they’re great adrenaline rushes. But when I’m at the bank, I just want to get my money and go, not have my stomach turned inside out. It just takes too much time! Not to mention the fact that if you’ve eaten a heavy lunch beforehand, there’s a pretty good chance it’ll come back up.
8. I have never been attacked by a book.
I like books a lot. I would love to have an enormous library someday. That being said, I do not love the idea of a biting book. Studying can be grueling even when the books are stationary, so the thought of wrestling them the same way I have to wrestle my dog into the bath sounds awful. Give me a Muggle math textbook over that any day.
9. The staircases in my school never move.
Look, there are some school buildings out there that are confusing enough already. I do not need them to start changing floor plans and making it even harder. This doesn’t even just apply to finding classrooms. Imagine trying to find a bathroom in a building like that!
10. Eating a piece of candy will not turn me into a canary.
Or anything else, for that matter. I know Mad-Eye Moody preaches “Constant Vigilance,” but I prefer not having to be paranoid every time I eat. In the Muggle world, food is just food. It might not always taste good, but at least I know I won’t start growing feathers.