“Harry Potter” Characters as “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” Songs – Part 2

After assigning songs from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend to various Hogwarts students, there are still plenty of songs and characters that match up rather well. Expressing yourself through music isn’t only for kids, so here are some adults from the wizarding world paired with the tunes they would rock out to.




Severus Snape – “I Hate Everything but You”

Snape is a well-known sourpuss. The closest thing he can get to a smile is a sneer. He hates the Marauders, most students, and his life. But he loved Lily Potter.




Albus Dumbledore – “After Everything I’ve Done for You (That You Didn’t Ask For)”

Dumbledore had a lot of plans for Harry that he took quite a long time to explain, including leading him to his own death. Harry didn’t ask to be used as a chess piece, and he would’ve appreciated a lot of information being given to him a lot earlier, but Dumbledore was only trying to help.




Remus Lupin – “Face Your Fears”

By having his students confront a boggart, Lupin literally requires them to face their fears, from failing exams to soul-sucking Dementors. He also has to learn to face his own fears about relationships and parenthood.




Dolores Umbridge – “I’m a Good Person”

Umbridge insists that she is on a benevolent mission to protect the students of Hogwarts and serve the Minister of Magic. She puts on a sickly sweet demeanor to play the role of a kindhearted public servant and educator who enjoys nurturing young minds. She also uses corporal punishment on children.




Bellatrix Lestrange – “Scary Scary Sexy Lady”

She is legitimately terrifying. She will torture and murder and enjoy it. She’s literally a witch. But Helena Bonham Carter looks great in a black lacy dress and corset.




Rubeus Hagrid – “So Maternal”

Like Rebecca Bunch, Hagrid isn’t actually a mother, but he’s so maternal toward both Harry and his creatures, no matter how dangerous. He may not be a perfect parental figure, but he’s full of love and would do anything to protect Harry as well as any fanged beast.




Lord Voldemort – “I’m the Villain in My Own Story”

Sure, the Dark Lord sells himself as a protagonist on a mission to purify the wizarding world, but he’s pretty obviously the bad guy. It would be “clear that [his] soul is up for sale” if he hadn’t already ripped it apart.




Newt Scamander – “I Go to the Zoo”

Newt’s happy place is wherever there are animals, whether that means going off to distant lands or deep inside his own suitcase. He often connects more with magical creatures than with other human beings.




The third and final piece in this series is coming soon!

Laurie Beckoff

My Harry Potter journey began in 2000 when I was six and continued through a bachelor's thesis and master's dissertation on medievalism in the series. I'm a Gryffindor from New York City with a passion for theatre, fantasy, Arthurian legend, and science fiction.