A New Year’s Eve Farce: Reporting Live from the Leaky Cauldron… Sort Of

Happy New Year! Wow, I’m sure you are glad to see the back of this epoch. It’s been… real to say the least. We here at The Quibbler are glad to be waving goodbye to 2020 and hello to what we hope is not another year of quarantine and social distancing. (Knock on wood.)

Since gatherings of more than two people have been severely limited this year, our social club fund has netted a healthy little sum, and our editor, after much persuading and promises of better-quality articles, has agreed to us putting up a bar tab at none other than the Leaky Cauldron. So here we are, sipping on elderflower wine, a Salvio Hexia charm on our mouths as masks, patiently waiting for our friends to arrive… in a manner of speaking.

We – The Quibbler‘s small staff – will be at the pub, but everyone else will be joining via something called Patronus Chat. Instead of arriving at the Leaky Cauldron in the flesh, guests will “tune in” via their individual Patronuses – a relative virtual projection for their eyes and ears. We are still not quite sure what it is, but Hermione Granger set it up.

It is now 6:29 p.m. Guests will be arriving soon, so this report will proceed as “live” updates from the night and hopefully make it to midnight without any incidents or mishaps.

6:31 p.m. Firstly, who has arrived? Hermione is here, as is Ron. It looks like he’s started the New Year’s celebrations early…

6:47 p.m. It is alarming at first when a silvery otter tries to cheers you in Hermione Granger’s voice, but we are getting used to it.



7:03 p.m. Harry and Ginny have tuned in. I didn’t get a chance to speak with them yet since the Irish Quidditch team arrived (via several rowdy Patronuses) and immediately started a debate on who “entered” through the door first because of Irish legend. I’ll let Aidan Lynch explain:

The identity of the first person to step through the door of the family home on January 1st is of huge importance…. In fact, many see it as having a hugely significant bearing on the entire year ahead. Should a dark, handsome, stranger come to the door [read: Harry Potter] then the year ahead is bright and full of hope but should a young, red-headed woman coming knocking…well, it’s not good. [Read: Ginny Weasley – Sorry, Ginny.]

7:23 p.m. More arrivals: Minerva McGonagall, Sybill Trelawney, and Molly and Arthur Weasley with Bill, Fleur, and Charlie.

7:54 p.m. Arrival of George, Luna, Dean, and Seamus.

8:36 p.m. I have been stuck deep in a conversation with George and Seamus about whether or not friendly hexes are allowed across Patronus Chat.

9:00 p.m. Kingsley Shacklebolt and Draco Malfoy have arrived, followed by Hagrid and Grawp, Madam Rosmerta, and Aberforth.

9:03 p.m. I am avoiding Madam Rosmerta and Aberforth – they are more than annoyed that The Quibbler didn’t choose their bars to hold this event instead.

9:27 p.m. Ginny, Bill, George, and Luna start a game of “Never Have I Ever” that we cannot repeat… ever.

9:44 p.m. Sybill Trelawney has just asked everyone what their New Year’s resolutions are, then promptly explained who will be keeping theirs and who won’t. Note: Neville is to be aware of a flying saucer, Luna will win the lottery, and Harry (of course) is surrounded by death omens. Interestingly, Minerva McGonagall apparently will try to give up smoking this year. She left the chat soon after this.



9:46 p.m. Ron said that he promises he’ll go to the gym this year, then promptly asked Harry what the gym is.

10:01 p.m. Molly is trying to find her wizard wireless so she can play Celestina Warbeck. Its disappearance is apparently causing an issue. Fleur has a guilty look in her eye.

10:01 p.m. continued: Meanwhile, Arthur brings out his entire collection of rubber ducks…



10:30 p.m. Cheers to everything!



10:32 p.m. Bungbarrel Spiced Mead is actually really nice.

10:57 p.m. Arthur is still talking about his rubber ducks… Only Harry is listening.

11:11 p.m. Kreacher, Hokey, and Griphook have arrived, which prompted Kingsley and Hermione to start talking about work and get booed off the chat – they commenced their own discussion in the corner.

11:13 p.m. Ron becomes significantly more raucous after this.


12:05 a.m. Hagrid has successfully removed the large pair of cymbals from Grawp’s hands.

12:17 a.m. Draco challenged me to a game of Exploding Snap. I won.

12:22 a.m. This happened:



12:30 a.m. Aberforth got tired and grumpy and went to bed.

12:47 a.m. I don’t feel so good.

12:55 a.m. Seamus has made us all do shots of Berry Ocky Rot.



1:10 a.m. I feel great!

1:15 a.m. Apparently, you can send charms through Patronus Chat according to George. He placed a “Sparkle Charm” throughout the room. Now everyone farts glitter.

1:28 a.m. Neville’s Patronus has just tried to kiss Luna’s.

1:39 a.m. Hagrid has fallen asleep on Grawp.

1:40 a.m. Madam Rosmerta put a blanket on Hagrid and left him in her bar. G’night, Rosmerta!

1:57 a.m. Charlie Weasley has thrown up on Molly’s knitting.

2:09 a.m. Luna’s Patronus tries to rid the Leaky of every bit of mistletoe because #nargles and knocked over Tom the barman’s 15 barrels of Salazar Stout.




2:40 a.mmmm. I’mm havink truuubel wiv ffwrds – tis wuuza bid idea…

2:44 a.m. Trobably, potally fit-shaced.

2:48 a.m. Dean here. Hi! Instigating “thought of the day.” Who wants in?

2:55 a.m. Hi, Dean. It’s Luna. I’ve always wondered that if Grindylows live at the bottom of lakes and never break the surface, do you think that they think mermaids can fly?

3:00 a.m. GIMMIE BACK MY PHONE, DEAN! HI, IT’S SAS AGAIN… Whoops, caps lock. Just wishing a happy New Year to everyone except my ex, who should know I’m doing GREAT and I don’t need him AT ALL.

3:03 a.m. To my ex: Accio me later…

3:07 a.m. Did Seamus just blow up his kitchen trying to toast bagels with his wand?

3:30 a.m. Hi, all. Troy, Mullet, and Moran here from the Irish Quidditch team. It’s been a terrific night, many hilaritive moments had by all. Since we are the last (wo)men standing, we just wanted to wish you all a fantastic New Year, and don’t worry – we will make sure everyone here tonight is tucked up in bed, safe and sound.

Good night!



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